


Live In My Memory

by sparkinside (boomersoonerash)



Series: Stay [3]
Category: Everybody Else (Band), Hanson (Band)
Genre: Brother/Sister Incest, Dubious Consent, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fan Soundtracks, Fanmix, Gun Kink, M/M, Murder, Older Man/Younger Woman, Pregnancy, Pregnancy Test, Psycho, Rape, Sibling Incest, Stalking, Surgery, Threesome - F/M/M, Thriller
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-02-08 16:31:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 27
Words: 59,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1948200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boomersoonerash/pseuds/sparkinside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Avery returns to Tulsa for the holidays with her two daughters a whole new can of worms gets opened. Can Avery and her loved ones come out unscathed or will everything fall apart before her eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a fictional story. None of this story is true and I am in no way associated with Hanson and Everybody Else. I do own any original characters. Also, please do not translate this unless you ask me for permission first. Thanks!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "I made dinner earlier," I speak up a smile playing on my lips as he jumps at the sound of my voice. "You didn't have to get take out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Live In My Memory Chapter One

Waking to the sound of crying, I sit up in the still dark bedroom, the room I now share with my husband of six months. Carrick is gone of course he would be his new job at the local bar means he doesn't usually come home until well after three in the morning.

Getting up out of the bed I walk out of the room and down the hall to the nursery where the crying is coming from. When I open the door I smile as I see my seven month old daughter Brennan sitting up in her crib.

"Mama is here baby," I tell her as I bend down to pick her up, my eyes locking with her blue ones the moment she is on my hip. I know her eyes resemble my husband's but they also match another man's eyes too. The man who is actually her father.

Brennan continues to cry as I hold her, her head going to rest on my shoulder while her hand goes into her mouth. At least this time I wasn't awoken because of a dirty diaper, I was awoken because of her teething. Something that has been making her extremely fussy.

"You want mama to get you your teething ring?" I ask her when she whimpers slightly. Smiling to myself I leave the nursery holding her on my hip while I make my way down to the kitchen. Going to the freezer I open it, taking out Bree's teething ring and handing it to her, watching as she lets it go inside of her mouth.

Brennan may only be seven months old but she is already so smart and healthy. A concern I had while pregnant with her. It was the same one I had for Junia when I was pregnant with her.

Going to the table I sit down in a chair, letting Bree lean against me as she chews on the teething ring. I know from the green digital letters staring at me that Carrick should be home soon. Maybe he will agree to take over night time duties then and get Bree back to bed. I know though that the last month has been hard on him, especially since Bree is starting to look more and more like her real dad.

Carrick can say he doesn't blame me or love me any less for giving into Taylor twice but I know that's a lie. I see it every time he looks at Bree now. He is silently judging me for what I allowed to happen between us at the cabin. I just hope he doesn't let him love Bree any less, especially since Junia was created from the same situation with Zac, though in his mind I loved Zac more, I had always loved Zac.

Hearing the front door open I leaned against the chair more watching as Carrick came into the kitchen carrying a bag of take out with him.

"I made dinner earlier," I speak up a smile playing on my lips as he jumps at the sound of my voice. "You didn't have to get take out."

Carrick shrugs his arms, putting the bag down on the counter. "I wasn't in the mood for a boxed meal," he teases his tongue coming out as he does so. "I mean no offense but it's not very appetizing to eat something that tastes like cardboard every night."

I make a face my head shaking, "Well then," I say trying to sound offended. "Why don't you try cooking a real meal with a fussy seven month old and a three year old who still acts like she is in her terrible two's even though she is going to be turning four in a matter of days now."

"Maybe I will," Carrick smirks his eyes looking at mine briefly before he opens the bag taking out a container that looks suspiciously like Chinese food. "What are you doing up anyway? I figured you would be in bed since it's almost three-thirty in the morning."

I close my eyes my stomach turning at the smell of the Chinese food, "Bree woke me up with her crying. I think her gums were hurting because she has calmed down since getting her teething ring."

I hear Carrick let out a sigh. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad sigh and I am too afraid to open my eyes to see the expression on his face so I can know just which one it is.

"I think she is asleep now actually," Carrick finally answers me which causes me to open my eyes to look down at the blonde haired child in my arms. She is indeed snoozing away against my chest, her teething ring still in her mouth.

Smiling I stand from the chair, "I'll go put her to bed then I'll be back," I tell him as I leave the kitchen quickly. Going up the stairs and to the nursery I walk over to the crib and put Bree back down, covering her up. After she is covered I reach down to remove her teething ring then I leave the room trying my best to be silent. The last thing I need is for her to wake up again in a matter of seconds.

When I make it back to the kitchen I see that Carrick has now walked over to the chair I was in minutes ago. "Chair thief," I tease before walking over and sitting on his lap. "How was work?" I ask him curiously.

"The same old same," Carrick sighs again an arm going around my waist. "I can't go with you and the girls to Tulsa tomorrow," he frowns as he looks up at me. The Tulsa trip was one we had planned for months. It was supposed to be us getting there tomorrow in time for a party to be held at my parents for Junia, then we would be staying through New Years Eve.

"I thought you were going to ask off for it sometime last month," I frown now too. A part of me can't help but wonder if he didn't put off asking so he couldn't get time off. So he wouldn't have to go to Tulsa and see Taylor. So he wouldn't have to be reminded again of the fact that he is raising Taylor's daughter.

Moving from his lap I run a hand through my hair. I'm trying not to be mad at him but I can't help it. I really can't help it.

"Avery," Carrick starts after he finishes his food. "Don't be like this. I tried the best I could. I asked two days ago but by this time they were already busy," he tells me as he stands from the table taking the empty container to the trash can. "I tried babe," he assures me when he walks to where I am now standing, his hands coming to rest on either of my cheeks.

I shake my head not wanting him to touch me when I am mad at him. "Did you really try?" I ask before backing away from him. "Or did you just not want to go back to Tulsa? To see Taylor and be reminded that he is Bree's father."

After my accusations I see Carrick's expression change. Clearly he is hurt but not once does he try to find words to deny what I have said. He just turns his back to me and leaves the room, heading upstairs.

I follow behind him and when we reach our bedroom I shut the door as he turns on the lamp on the table near the side of the bed where he sleeps. "If you knew it would be this hard raising Taylor's daughter, pretending to be Brennan's dad you should have said no to doing it," I tell him calmly as I get into bed beside him, covering up and turning to face the wall.

"I didn't know it would be this hard Avie," Carrick finally speaks after he has turned off the light. Feeling his arm drape around my waist I close my eyes. "I never expected she would look so much like him. That seeing her would remind me of the fact that you slept with him. I know it's stupid that it hurts me so much because we weren't even together but it does Avie. I mean with Zac I could understand because you loved him and he loved you, but you and Taylor, there was no love it was just plain fucking."

Sighing I know he has a point, "And you also hate him because he called you up there to catch us. He called my mom to make her worried and then he knew mom would call you and have you come check on me."

I don't have to see Carrick to know he nodded to that. I can feel his head move as he pulls me closer to him. "I love you but I'm not sure I can be around Taylor not when every time I look at Bree who I love, he is all I see."

Frowning I close my eyes, letting my arm rest over his. I hate that it seems my indiscretions with Taylor have hurt him but what else can I do? I can't erase what we did and I wouldn't have aborted Bree. I don't believe in abortion no matter what the circumstances are. I could have done adoption but Carrick himself ruled that one out when I told him I was pregnant.

"I'm sorry," I whisper sadly, turning in his arms. Opening my eyes I find him staring back at me through the dark. "I'm sorry you're stuck with me and my daughters. I'm sorry I messed everything up by being with Taylor and getting pregnant."

Carrick shakes his head, "You didn't mess anything up Avie, I blame him for seducing you. I blame him for everything that happened at the cabin. You went after him to find him but then he twisted things around just so I would catch you and get jealous," he sighs before leaning in to peck my lips. "I like being stuck with you and your daughters...our daughters," he whispers before kissing me again this time longer than a peck.

Kissing him back I smirk on his lips when I feel him press his hips into mine. I can tell just from his hard on where this is leading and I don't object. After the conversation we have just had we need this. We need to make love to each other. A part of me is glad though that he had that vasectomy after Bree was born. I'm not even sure I want more kids and he had said Bree and Junia were enough for him, he didn't need any of his own.

"I love you," I mutter on his lips his hand slips beneath my nightgown to remove my panties. "I love you so much," I whisper hoping that at least once I will mean it. Even after all this time I am still not in love with him, though I do love him. Hell I'm not sure if I will ever love anyone the way I loved Zac.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "I wish he were here too to see this," he whispers.

Live In My Memory Chapter Two

Humming along to the radio in the car I smile as I look in the backseat with the rearview mirror. We are on the one hour drive back to Tulsa today to my parents house. We had left a little late as Carrick let me sleep in which was something he shouldn't have done but he did it anyway.

I really wanted to be mad at him but the way he gave me a pout when he said I looked so good sleeping was enough for me to not be as mad at him as I should have been.

"Mommy?" Junia asks as she locks eyes with me via the mirror. "How much longer?"

I laugh at her impatience, my eyes moving over to Bree who is passed out in her car seat. Luckily for me she has been snoozing the whole drive almost. "Just a few more minutes babe," I tell her as I turn on a familiar street. "You excited to see Nana and Pawpaw?" I ask her as I pay attention to the road again.

"Yeah," Junia says her voice clearly showing excitement. "Do you think they have my presents yet?" she asks knowing there is going to be a party today at their house for her birthday.

Pulling into their driveway I cut the car off, "I guess we'll find out," I smirk before getting out of the car. I'm barely out when I hear the door open and I see my mother coming down the driveway to my car. She has a grin on her face as she opens the door on the side of the car where Bree is.

"I was hoping Bree would be awake," she frowns but goes ahead and gets her out of her car seat. "How long has the princess been asleep?" she asks as she shoots me a look over the top of the car.

I laugh more, opening the door and undoing Junia's booster seat, getting her out. The moment I put her down on the asphalt she takes off to the other side of the car. I'm sure by now she is attached to my mother's leg. My mom has both girls spoiled.

"Not long after we left," I answer, walking over to where my mom and the girls are. Junia is smiling as she looks up at her. "Junebug was too excited to take a nap on the drive here. She knows she is getting a party today."

My mom smiles down at Junia as well. "Well her party was waiting on her to get here. Everyone is already inside," she informs me before heading towards the house. As she goes in with both of my daughters I just stand there frozen on the spot.

If everyone is here then that means Taylor is here too with Natalie. He hasn't seen Bree since the day I gave birth to her. I have deliberately avoided him because I'm still scared if he takes one look at her he will know. He will know she is his and that I have been keeping it a secret. I mean how could he not figure it out? She is becoming a spitting image of him.

Taking a deep breath to calm myself I follow behind my mother, hearing talking from the kitchen. Going towards it I smile when I see almost all of my family standing there. Spotting my mother at the kitchen counter I raise an eyebrow as she picks up the cake bringing it over to Junia. Bree is no longer in her arms.

Looking around the room for my seven month old I stop when I see her in Natalie's arms. Taylor's wife is fawning over her like she does any child. I swear that woman has a severe case of baby fever, then again she always gets one when her children reach a certain age. Wilhelmina is two now. I'm pretty sure that means she has reached the certain age which would make Natalie want another baby by Taylor.

I half wonder how she'd react if she knew the baby she held in her arms was Taylor's at least biologically. Legally she belongs to Carrick and I.

Hearing everyone start to sing Happy Birthday I come out of the trance I hadn't even realized I was in. Singing Happy Birthday as well I smile when I watch Junia blow out the candle on her cake. A part of me feeling a bit sad that Zac isn't here to see this.

Feeling a hand on my back, I jump slightly before turning to look at the person who has touched me. When I do I sigh at the pair of blue eyes staring back at me. The man with the same blue eyes as my youngest daughter. "Taylor," I nod trying to be nice.

Taylor offers me a smile, his hand staying on my back, "I wish he were here too to see this," he whispers. "Zac always loved birthday parties. Junia's first one was a big blow out," he smiles more obviously remembering it. I wish I could say I remember it too but it was one of the many things I had missed out on thanks to Kate and in some ways Taylor's own wife Natalie.

Frowning I run a hand through my hair, "He is here in spirit," I say as I force a smile. I do feel as if Zac is here.

Taylor nods like he understands but to be honest I doubt he does. "I think my wife has stolen your daughter," he says as he looks away from me and over to Natalie who is now sitting off at the end of the table with Bree. She is happily chatting away with her and I almost wonder if Natalie woke her up on purpose.

"Well she can't have her for good," I laugh my head shaking no. There is no way I am letting that woman raise my child. Not after her being part of the reason I left Junia behind.

"But it would save me from having to make another baby with her. She told me last night she wants another," Taylor sighs and I look back at him seeing a scowl on his face. "At least if we too Bree from you neither Natalie or I would have parental ties to her or be responsible if she grew up crazy."

When he mentions not having parental ties to Bree I have to keep myself from looking panicked. I have to remain calm. "Technically if you took her you'd be the only parents she ever knew so, yeah, you would have parental ties to her."

Before I can say anything else to Taylor I hear his phone vibrate in his pocket and he pulls it out. I look down barely even able to register the name on the screen but it almost looks familiar. "I need to take this outside," he informs me his voice sounding rushed. "I'm sorry," he whispers as he walks off and leaves me standing in the middle of the kitchen.

Shaking my head I walk towards the table coming to stop beside Kate. I knew she would be here I had let mom invite her. It was something Junia would have wanted. Junia still loved the woman like a mother too.

"He's been weird for the past month now," Kate whispers to me.

I turn my head looking at her confused, "Who?" I ask clearly confused.

Kate just smiles as if she thinks I am playing her for a fool. "Taylor," she tells me so plainly. "I saw how he just left you standing there after the phone call came through. He has been doing the same to Natalie now for a month. Taking calls outside on the porch, leaving the house for hours on end after those calls. Having private meetings he won't tell her about.

I nod as she confides in me. I'm not sure why she is telling me this or why it matters to me. Hell I don't even know why she was watching Taylor and I so intently. It's not like my life or Taylor's or anyone else in this families is her business. Yes her son is a part of our family but since Zac's death she isn't family anymore.

"I'm sure it's nothing," I shrug being nicer than I want to be.

Kate just rolls her eyes as if she doubts me saying it's nothing. Of course she would doubt my word. She is good at second guessing everything.

After my talk with Kate the rest of the party seems to fly by and before I know it everyone is gone and I am upstairs getting both of my girls ready for bed.

Standing in the guest room I can hear Junia down the hall complaining as she brushes her teeth. I laugh before finishing putting the rest of the clothes I packed in the drawers.

"Avie," my mom's voice speaks from the doorway.

I turn to look at her, "Yeah?" I ask wondering what she wants. I thought she had went to bed over an hour ago.

My mom walks into the room, holding a manila package in her hand, "This was sent to the house addressed to you. I'm not sure why or if someone doesn't know you moved to Oklahoma City," she shrugs.

I take the package from her, raising an eyebrow curiously. Watching as mom leaves the room I go to sit on the bed, opening the package. Seeing a couple of pictures in them I take them out getting even more curious when I see pictures of Bree with Carrick on random outings in the package.

Seeing writing on the back of one I turn it over my face I am sure turning to confusion as I see written in black ink All Lies Come Out Eventually.

Turning the picture over I put it back in the envelope wondering what kind of sick joke this is. No one else knows about Brennan but Carrick and I. How could anyone else know? Had someone heard us at the hospital? Had Taylor had a big mouth and told anyone about our one night stand, anyone that could have done the math anyway.

"Fuck," I whisper harshly as I take the envelope and put it in the drawer under the clothes I had put away. It is going to stay there for the time being and tomorrow I am going to call Carrick. He needs to know about this. He needs to know that someone else may knows our secret.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "It's me," Carrick replies and it almost sounds like he is smiling.

Live In My Memory Chapter Three

The next day I chew my lip nervously as I dial the home phone. I am hoping Carrick is there and hasn't went somewhere before work. I really need to talk to him about those pictures. What was written on the back. I'm still confused how someone else knows.

"Hello," a female voice answers the phone, making my eyebrows raise. Carrick has a female over? Since when did he make any new female friends that I didn't know because this woman's voice sounds so unfamiliar to me.

Clearing my throat I close my eyes before speaking. "Is Carrick there?" I ask hoping my nervousness isn't coming through to some stranger who is apparently at the house I share with my husband.

"Yes, hold on a second," the woman replies so casually before I hear soft murmurs in the background. After what seems like forever but in actuality is only minutes I hear Carrick's familiar breathing on the phone.

"Care?" I ask wanting to make sure it is in fact my husband. That I can obviously by now tell his breathing over the phone.

"It's me," Carrick replies and it almost sounds like he is smiling. "Mike and his wife are over. We both have a few hours to kill before work so we decided he'd come over and we'd watch a few movies, smoke some pot," he laughs. "That was his wife who answered."

Hearing Carrick mention Mike, I try to place him, only just barely remembering meeting him one of the many times I stopped by the bar where he and Carrick worked. "I'm glad that was his wife because I was scared," I admit feeling my cheeks go red. I'm blushing even though Carrick can't see me.

Carrick laughs softly at my words, "Avie I would never cheat on you babe," he reassures me. I want to believe him, I really do but a part of me can't. "So why is my lovely wife calling?"

When he asks why I am calling I feel my heartbeat pick up, "Because I was sent mail at my parents house," I blurt out, not even sure how to explain things just yet.

"And that's the reason you are calling?" Carrick asks sounding so confused. I really don't blame him for his confusion.

I shake my head, again knowing he can't see me, "No," I sigh before looking down at the floor. "The mail I was sent was a bunch of pictures of you and Bree out at different places. On the back of one of the pictures someone had written all lies come out eventually."

Carrick goes silent for the longest time. I'm almost afraid he has hung up on me but then he finally speaks. "You didn't recognize the writing?" he asks his voice sounding worried.

"No," I answer as I frown. "I'm just not sure who else knows Care," I sigh as I look away from the floor. "I'm not sure what this person will do with what they know or what they will expect me to do if they decide to say anything else."

"I'm sorry babe," Carrick apologizes his voice sounding concerned. "D..do you want me to try to make it Tulsa to be with you right now?"

Shaking my head I frown, "No," I tell him knowing that I don't feel unsafe. Yes I am scared that someone knows this secret and may reveal it but I don't feel unsafe yet. "I have my family here. If anything gets too bad I can fudge the truth some and tell them bits and pieces."

"Okay, if you are sure," he hesitates a tiny sigh coming across the lines. "If you change your mind or something else happens, call me."

"I will," I smile as I reassure him. Quickly saying goodbye I hang the phone up and stand from the bed I had been sitting on. Leaving the room where I was staying I walk downstairs finding Junia in the living room with Taylor and Natalie's children. I hadn't know Natalie was going to be bringing them over today.

Going to the kitchen I stop when I find my mother in there with Taylor. Taylor is holding Bree in his arms and I hate to admit how content she looks and how right Taylor looks holding her.

Taylor and my mom look up when they hear me at the entrance way of the kitchen, Taylor moving Bree farther up onto his hip, "She was crying so I went to get her up from her nap before mom even had a chance," he smiled making up an excuse for why he was holding my daughter. "I just..I guess I do miss having a baby this small at home."

Hearing him I really hope my face doesn't show all the emotions running through me, the main one being guilt. I feel bad for lying to him, even if I did the right thing. Brennan deserved a dad who could be her daddy without a bunch of drama. Taylor being her daddy would have just cost too much drama for everyone again and I really didn't want to go down that road, not to mention I really didn't want to ruin Natalie and Taylor's family either. A family who he said he would never leave.

"Then maybe you and Natalie can have another one," I laugh before walking over to where Bree and Taylor are. "What do you say to that Miss Bree? Do you think Uncle Taylor and Aunt Natalie should have another baby?"

Bree just smiled wide at me, "Dada," she giggled making my eyes go wide. She said her first word and of course it had to be dada. She had said dada while Taylor was holding her. Oh the fucking irony in that. I think this is one of those times where I may feel like a horrible mother.

Taylor looks at me quickly then down at Bree. I'm half scared now that he is doing the math. That he is realizing she is his child. That he will somehow know Carrick and I never had sex until I was already a few weeks along.

"Was that her first word?" Taylor asks before looking back up at me. "I mean your face it just got that look on it that most parents get when their child says a first word."

I nod my head yes. It is a partial truth anyway because that was her first word but that really wasn't the look that was on my face. "Yeah that was her first word. Carrick's been trying to get her to say dada for a month now," I laugh as I look away feeling guilt again. Carrick has been robbed of hearing her say dada for the first time. Maybe I can just keep this from him though, maybe he will never have to know she said dada while Taylor was holding her.

Taylor frowns at the mention of Carrick trying to get her to say dada. "I...well..I'm sorry he didn't get to hear his efforts paid off," he shrugs before forcing a smile onto his lips, bringing Bree closer to him. "I'm sure she will say it more by the time you get home though and he'll have numerous chances to hear his daughter say dada for him."

"I'm sure she will too," I smile mine too being forced. Slowly I take Bree from Taylor's arms causing him to pout and her to cry. Rocking her on my hips some to shush her I roll my eyes as that doesn't work and she reaches out for Taylor wanting him to take her again.

Taylor smirks at that and looks at me as if he is asking for permission to hold her. "You really should have just left her where she was happy at," he laughs before taking her out of my arms. "Isn't that right sweetpea? Your mama should have just left you with Uncle Taylor."

Bree just babbles having calmed down from her crying, "dada," she mutters softly a smile appearing on her lips as she reaches a hand out to Taylor's lips.

Taylor takes her hand in his and guides it the rest of the way to his lips, kissing it softly, "You need to stop calling me that sweetpea," he smiles as he locks eyes with her. "I'm not your daddy," he whispers before sitting down at the table, holding Bree on his lap.

Sighing I sit down opposite from them, "So, where is Natalie?" I ask wondering why it was him that brought the kids over and not her.

Taylor shrugs finally looking away from Bree, "She got some letter in the mail last night. She wouldn't let me see it but whatever it was it made her mad enough to leave the house in the middle of the night. She hasn't came back or even called to tell me where she is."

"Did you look at the letter after she left?" I ask him curiously. I know Taylor he is a very nosey person.

"No," Taylor shakes his head shocking me. "Though Natalie did say for me to give it to you which is why I came by here but then the kids wanted to play with Junia so I decided to stay."

Raising my eyebrow when he said Natalie told him to give the letter to me I can't help but feel uneasy. "Where is the letter now?" I ask as I stand from the table.

"On the coffee table in the living room," Taylor nods as he looks down at Bree who is babbling. He smiles and starts to babble back at her.

Chewing on my lip I leave the kitchen, going into the living room where Junia is still playing with some of Taylor's children. Seeing a manila envelope I again feel uneasy but walk over to pick it up.

Taking a deep breath I open it and pull out a piece of paper, my heartbeat going faster. What greets me on the piece of paper is results to what looks like a DNA test. A test that says Taylor is Bree's father. Turning the paper over I am greeted again with black ink. This time it says You Should Ask Your Husband About His Dirty Little Secrets.

Putting the paper away quickly I carry the envelope upstairs and into the room where I am staying. It too goes into the drawer with the first one. This new thing adds more unanswered questions like who the hell would do a DNA test on Bree and how could they even have obtained anything of hers to get one in the first place. Whoever this is, it has to be someone who is close but the only other person besides me who knows is Carrick.

At the thought of Carrick doing something like this I sit on the bed, running a hand through my hair. He wouldn't do this to me. I mean yeah he is starting to see more of Taylor in Bree but he still loves me and he wouldn't, but then again who else could know.

Hearing footsteps I look up from my place on the bed, locking eyes with Taylor who now is no longer holding Bree. "I did read it you know," he finally speaks as he shakes his head. "I saw the DNA test and what was written on the back," he whispers. "I didn't want to believe it but the way you look now..it's kind of telling."

Not able to answer him I just look away which just makes him walk farther into the room, shutting the door behind him. The moment the door is shut I close my eyes afraid of what he is going to do or say.

"H..how long have you known Bree was mine Avery?" Taylor asks his voice so calm. "How long have you been keeping this from me?"

Swallowing a lump in my throat I look up at him finally, "Since before she was born," I admit as I feel tears sting my eyes. "Carrick and I never even had sex until after..after I knew I was pregnant."

After I admit that the room goes silent, neither Taylor or I speaking for the longest time. When there is noise again it's the sound of Taylor's fist connecting with the wall before muttering a few curse words. I just shake my head at the hole in the wall. Mom is really gonna love the explanation for this.

"You lied to me," Taylor states through gritted teeth, holding his hand close to him now. "You knew Bree was mine and let Carrick play daddy!" he yells as he shakes his head. "You let another fucking man raise our baby Avery," he laughs as if he would have actually raised Bree with me if he knew the truth. "You let her get attached to Carrick and robbed me of seven months of her life. Hell I never even got to see her come into the world, I had to wait in the goddamn waiting room while Carrick watched her take her first breath. How could you?" he asks me as he raises an eyebrow his hand still staying close to his chest.

"I..she needed a dad who wouldn't bring drama to her life," I shrug feeling a few tears go down my cheek. "You being her dad would have been too much. I mean you know what my being with Zac caused," I frown as I shake my head. "I didn't want that again so I figured Carrick would be the easy choice. The choice that no one would freak out over. Anyway you told me the day I left Oklahoma City you'd never leave your family. If Natalie had known then she would have left you and ruined your family. I mean look what happened after she got that."

Taylor finally moves his hand, his eyes locking with mine, "I don't care if it ruined my family. You still should have told me Avery," he mutters so sarcastically. "Does Carrick know or is he too a victim of your lie?"

"He knows," I confirm, keeping eye contact with him. I am afraid of what this new piece of information will do to him.

Taylor glares at me, making me feel like a child, "You both knew? You both decided to play fucking house with my daughter," he whispers so harsh. "Tell me Avery? While you were playing house with him did you ever think about me? How I said I loved you the day you left? Did you ever feel fucking guilty for any of this? I bet you did," he finally stops long enough to breathe. "I bet you felt guilty every time you held Carrick and had to know deep down how Bree was conceived. Had to know the man you were playing house with probably couldn't even get you off like I could," he whispers as he bends down to where I am sitting on the bed. "Carrick must really love you to even touch you after you fucked two of your brothers," he whispers again as he gets in my face. "To know your brothers could fuck you better than he ever could."

"Fuck you," I snap back at him finally shivering at just how close his face is to mine.

It's like my saying fuck you snapped a switch in Taylor though because his eyes take on a new emotion I haven't seen from him. "I'm sure that can be arranged," he answers me back his words coming out angry but his actions proving otherwise as his lips meet mine in a hard kiss. A hard passionate kiss.

The moment he kisses me I feel myself respond back knowing I shouldn't. I should push him away from me. I should be a good wife and stop this but I can't.

Kissing him harder I don't resist it when he pushes me on my back against the bed or when he lays over me, his hands making their way up to the top of my button down shirt. He undoes the first two buttons gently but when he reaches the third he pulls away from the kiss long enough to shake his head and mutter fuck it. His hands tugging with enough force that he rips my shirt open, a few of the buttons literally hitting the floor.

After the shirt is undone he yanks it off of me, his lips soon finding their way to my neck, causing me to moan out.

"You like this?" Taylor whispers on my neck his breath hitting my skin, making me shiver. "You like what I do to you?" he asks another question, his lips leaving a rough trail down my neck towards the bra I have on.

Before I can answer him though I feel him pushing the cups of my bra down, his mouth soon covering one of the erect nipples. God it feels like heaven right now even when he applies pressure with his teeth and bites down. It's rough but not too rough and maybe this is what he wants right now.

When Taylor moves his mouth away I whimper watching as he looks eyes with me again briefly before pulling his shirt off and throwing it to the floor with mine, "Tell me you like this," he speaks again once his shirt is off. "Tell me you like what I do to you," he smirked before leaning down to kiss my stomach his lips making a trail down to my jeans.

"I like what you do to me," I mutter out my body shivering again when Taylor undoes my jeans, pushing them off along with my panties.

His lips again wind up on my stomach though much closer to my hips then before. The closer he gets to my pussy though is when his tongue starts to come out, licking each little bit of skin it comes into contact with.

When Taylor reaches his intended destination I feel my head fall back against a pillow, my hands instantly going down to tangle in his hair which causes him to moan out against me. I can't help but like the way it feels as his hot breath hits my skin down there.

Closing my eyes I keep my head leaned back not even sure how long Taylor plans on staying between my legs. Hell with the mood he is in I am surprised he'd even care about my pleasure but it seems like he is caring, especially when he starts to suck on my clit.

"Fuck," I hiss out feeling one of his fingers work their way inside of me roughly. So much for being gentle for too long. Pulling his hair as his finger starts to work inside of me at a very fast paced rhythm I bit down on my lip. Never did I think his fingers would or could be used like this.

When he finally does move away from me I whimper again only to be shushed when his lips come down on mine again. His hands finding mine and putting them on his jeans which I undo for him in a hurry.

"Condom," Taylor murmurs as he moves away from me long enough to reach into his jeans pocket for his wallet. Seeing him find his wallet I am not shocked when I see him produce a condom out of it.

I can't help but look as he opens it then slides it on himself. "It's pink," I laugh before shaking my head.

Taylor glares at me but kisses me anyway, his body adjusting itself to mine. I can feel him right at my entrance. I need him inside of me already.

"Did I say you could talk?" he whispers into my mouth before finally sliding inside of me. Again he isn't gentle and I'm not sure why I thought he would be. Right now he just seems to be taking from me, even if I am giving willingly.

I shake my head no deciding to let him have all the control right now. He can do as he pleases to me and I wouldn't give a crap.

"Didn't think so," he mutters into my mouth as he kisses me harder. His hips seems to be finding a rhythm they like as he moves in and out of me. He is being so rough and when he reaches for my hands again, raising them above my head and pinning me down he only gets worse.

Moaning out I start to move with him, my hands accidentally moving as I do so. Them doing that though makes him just hold on tighter as he continues his rough movements inside of me. I'm starting to think he wants me to be bruises and unable to walk tomorrow.

Closing my eyes I pray that my mom or dad or even Zoe can't hear us, can't hear the way that the bed is now squeaking with our every move. That they can't hear the moans that neither Taylor or I are trying to keep soft and low. I'm not sure now would be a good time for them to find out I have fucked Taylor too. I know they will find out whenever I have to tell them about Bree though maybe just maybe Taylor won't make me. Maybe he will let Carrick and I keep playing house as he put it.

At the thought of Carrick I close my eyes tighter, feeling my orgasm coming on. "Shit Taylor," I whimper out into his mouth not once feeling guilty for what we had just done, even if I had Carrick on my mind as I came.

It doesn't take long for Taylor to follow suit and reach his peak, his body collapsing on top of mine.

"Avie," Taylor frowns after he pulls away from the kiss, his head burying into my shoulder. "You fucking lied to me," he states bringing up the whole situation that seems to have lead to what has just happened between us.

I want to reply to him and I'm about too when my phone rings. He and I both know by that damn Everybody Else song playing who it is calling. It's Carrick, my husband, the man I have just cheated on.

Reaching for my phone I feel Taylor move off of me and the bed. Right when I hit talk the bedroom door slams shut and again I am praying, this time that Carrick didn't hear it. I'm not really looking forward to telling him who it was, though if I do and he asks why I am very prepared to lie. There is no way in hell I can tell Carrick about this, especially not now that I suspect he may be the one behind the letters to Natalie and I.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: I'm frozen. I'm frozen and just let them kiss me.

Live In My Memory Chapter Four

Going into the bathroom I shut and locked the door behind me. I was the only one in the house right now so I didn't really need to but it was a habit. My mom had taken the girls out to go see Santa while Zoe was off at some friend's house. My dad on the other hand I wasn't sure where he had snuck off too but he too was gone.

Turning the water on in the shower I undress and then step in, going under the water. I just want to forget yesterday and Taylor finding out that Bree was his. I also want to forget today, Junia's actual birthday. All I can see still when I remember Junia's birth is Zac and how he had been there for me. How he held her and had taken to her from the moment her saw her.

Feeling tears come out of my closed eyes I let myself sit down as the water hits me. I really fucking miss Zac. If he were here maybe we would have gotten back together. Maybe I wouldn't have fucked Taylor have his daughter. Maybe I wouldn't have someone leaving notes about my daughter's true paternity.

When the water starts to get cold I stand up from where I had sit in the shower. Getting out I turn the water off and reach for a towel wrapping it around myself. Unlocking the bathroom door I exit it quickly, stopping when I hear walking in the kitchen.

"Mom," I call out wondering if she is coming home early. I really hope one of the girls didn't get sick on her. I know last year Junia got sick around Christmas time.

Not getting a response I raise an eyebrow, walking down the stairs. "Mom?" I call out again this time it's a question. I am almost afraid it isn't her but if it isn't then who is it?

When I get to the kitchen I stop in my tracks, finding it empty. Feeling goosebumps form on my arms I get a weird feeling. "If someone is here you better show yourselves or I'm calling the cops," I yell out before walking towards the cordless phone.

I don't even make it there though before I feel a hand go around my eyes and another pulling me close. When I am pressed against a warm body I shiver. The person's hand moves briefly but before I can turn to look they are putting something over my eyes and tying it there.

Getting scared once my eyes were covered I felt the person's arms go around me as they forced me out of the kitchen. I wanted to fight back but this person, they seemed so much stronger than me. "Who the hell are you?" I finally manage to ask as the person forces me to walk upstairs. A part of me right now may be okay with them holding onto me. I really don't want to trip and since I can't see because of this stupid thing around my eyes.

After my question all I get is silence, the person just pushing me up the last stair then walking me down to a room. When we make it to the intended destination I am pushed again, right before they slam the door shut.

The person comes up behind me again before I have a chance to try to reach up to remove the blindfold from my eyes. Feeling their arms around me again I feel tears going down my cheek as they push me against a bed.

"Please," I squeak out not wanting what I think is coming next. This person is going to rape me. They are going to rape me and maybe even kill me if they have any weapons.

Again there is silence and I realize this person isn't going to talk back. Though they do other things. Things I wish they wouldn't. The moment I feel their lips on mine I want to get sick. I want to scream but I'm frozen. I'm frozen and just let them kiss me.

As they continue to kiss me I cry more which causes them to pull away. Their pulling away has me nervous but I soon feel hands wiping away my tears.

"Sick bastard," I mutter out before the person kisses me again, this time much harder than the last. It's during this kiss that I feel my towel drop which causes me to shiver when the cold air hits my body.

Closing my eyes behind the blindfold when I am pushed back, I shudder feeling a body on top of me. The person never once breaks the kiss though. The kiss I am not responding too.

Feeling their hand find it's way down my body and between my legs, I groan out when their hand makes contact with my pussy. Their skin is hot and their hands seems very familiar with my body. Like they know what they are doing as they rub me in the right places. Places only someone who has been with me before would know that I like to be touched.

Biting down to suppress a moan I really don't want to let out I close my eyes tighter. I wish I could stop myself from getting wet. Stop myself from letting this person know I'm getting turned on with how they are playing with me.

When their hand moves I let out a whimper before I can even stop myself. It's after the whimper that I feel them lift up off me briefly. Too brief and I almost wonder what it was for, but when they kiss me again I can feel their bare chest against my own and I know it was to remove their shirt.

Kissing the person back this time I reach up between us to feel their chest, wondering if maybe I can get some clue to who this person is. It could be a random stranger. A random stranger who is really good with their hands and knows how to work me over with them.

As I feel their chest I shiver not feeling the normal hairy chest I have grown accustomed to with Carrick. It has to be a random stranger than because if this were Taylor, he too would have a hairy chest, unless of course he shaved it since our sex yesterday.

Shivering again as the person's lips move from my own, I tilt my head to the side so effortlessly as their lips move down my cheek and onto my neck. They seem to also know the exact places to kiss there too. The exact places to know where to bite and apply pressure.

Moaning out finally, I let my hands move down their chest until I reach their jeans which I undo. The person lifting their hips so effortlessly, letting me remove their jeans. The only material I can feel between us now is a pair of boxer briefs. Boxer briefs with a very obvious hard on in them. A hard on they deliberately keep pressing into my already aching pussy.

"Tease," I whisper out to the person. I know they won't reply back but I don't care. Right now all I care about is what they are doing with their lips and their cock, which presses into me again, causing my hips to move up slowly.

As their lips move down off my neck, I suck in a breath feeling them kiss their way down to my chest. When they reach my hips they leave small kisses on each hip bone before their mouth moves to my thigh. The lips softly kissing right where my tattoo is. A tattoo that hasn't been kissed since the last time I had sex with Zac just mere days before Junia's birth.

When the person's mouth finally makes it to my pussy I moan again my hands finding their way to the hair. It's long so fucking long and I smirk pulling on it slightly. I am happy when I hear a muffled moan come out of this person finally. At least I know they can actually makes noises. Maybe now the sex won't seem so one sided to me. Maybe they will continue to make noises, so I at least know they are liking this as much as I am. They better fucking like this anyway. They did start it.

"Fuck," I moan out when the person's tongue hits all of my right spots. Spots they had to have learned somewhere that I loved getting licked and teased. Pulling their hair again I buck my hips trying to imagine what they look like. If maybe they could possibly be someone I have slept with who wasn't Carrick or Taylor? But then how would they know where my parents live? This just has to be a really skilled stranger. A stranger with a fucking wonderful tongue.

To me it seems like hours that they spend down between my legs. Until I am almost on the verge of an orgasm. Then they pull away. They pull away and I feel movement again. I don't say anything though, I lay there and wait until I finally feel their body on mine again. This time I can feel their cock right at my entrance. A condom on it. I'm thankful for that because I really don't want to have a baby with a man I don't even know.

When I feel them enter me I flinch at the intrusion, my pussy still a bit sore from yesterday with Taylor. A part of me is glad that this person seems to not be as big as Taylor, at least length wise anyway, but damn it in the other department they have Taylor beat.

Slowly the person soon finds a pace with their thrusts that they like. It's not too rough nor is it too gentle. It's right in the middle.

Kissing them again I let myself move with them. I had wanted this to start with but now, now I want this. I blame them working me over with their hand. Finding all of my right spots. This person just knows me, like they were made for me even if they are more than likely some sick pervert who had came here with other intentions.

Moaning when the person gets faster I feel them moving and bringing me with them. The moment I realize they are sitting up and not moving anymore I smirk on their lips, my legs wrapping around their waist as I chose the pace now. I haven't rode a man like this in a few years though it's like riding a bike, you never truly forget how.

When the stranger moans again I smirk even wider knowing they are liking this. Liking how I am doing things.

Letting my lips move from theirs I work my way down to their neck where I kiss and suck at the skin there. Again I am rewarded with moans.

Moaning myself as the person's lips soon wind up on my shoulder as I keep up the work on their neck, I groan out when I feel them biting on my neck as well as sucking. This person is trying to mark me, though I don't understand why. I don't get what their marking me would do except make me remember and just wonder who the fuck they are.

"Shit," I mutter on their skin, feeling my walls start to close in around their cock. Laying my head against their shoulder I orgasm my eyes closing tight again as I picture the only person who has ever made me feel as alive as the person today has. "Zac," I whisper so softly that I hope they don't hear me. Though if they did it doesn't matter, it's not like I know their name to even call it out.

Feeling them shudder beneath me not long after I know they too have reached their end and I start to reach up to move the blindfold off my eyes. Before my hands can make it though the person stops me. I take the hint, they don't want me seeing them, identifying who they are.

When they lay me back and move off me I just lay on the bed and listen to what I assume is them getting dressed. Hearing the bedroom door finally open then shut I reach up then and take the blindfold off, looking around the now empty room.

I don't move from the bed until I hear a car start in the driveway. That propels me to move from the bed, picking up the discarded towel and slipping it back around me as I walk to the window. I make it there in time to see a flash of blue drive away. I feel like I should know that flash of blue but right now I just can't place it.

Shaking my head I turn to walk back to the bed, noticing a slip of paper on the night stand. When I pick it up I'm almost afraid I am going to see that familiar black ink again. Afraid that I may be wrong on who I suspect to be behind the letters and that I just had sex unknowingly with that person, but this time I find red ink. The message on it confusing me.

But for you Sonny, I know I’d give it all up.

Laying the paper back down I sit on the bed, my hand running through my hair. Maybe this was Taylor playing some sick joke on me out of his anger still. That's the only rational explanation I can come up with.

"Fucking bastard," I whisper feeling myself getting angry at Taylor though I know it's my fault he is angry at me. It's my fault he is finding ways to lash out at me, even if they are sexual ones that I'm not objecting too.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "C..Carrick?" I ask wanting to make sure I am not just seeing things.

Live In My Memory Chapter Five

Several days pass after the blindfold sex with Taylor, several days and all I have left are three reminders of it. The actual blind fold, the letter left behind, and a slow fading hickie on my neck. Since then though Taylor hasn't came around or even tried to call. I'm not sure why I thought he would. I just..I thought he'd at least want to talk about Bree, even if we just ignored the fact that we have now had sex twice since I've been back.

Jumping when I hear the door to my room open I look up when I see my mother standing in the doorway. I know she hasn't ever been one for knocking and I really hate that about her.

"Yeah?" I ask looking at her raised eyebrow. She looks like she has something she wants to ask but she is thinking better of it.

"This was in the mail for you," mom sighs walking over to the bed, handing me an envelope that I see is from a Tulsa lawyer.

Taking it from her I am confused about why I have mail from a Tulsa lawyer. Opening it I take out the letter inside my eyes scanning over what it says. The more I read the more I feel myself getting angry. Taylor has decided to sue me for custody of Brennan. He is suing me for custody and also ordering a DNA test on her.

"Asshole," I mutter through gritted teeth. Standing from the bed I drop the letter, not even caring if my mom picks it up to read. Thanks to Taylor's actions she will find out anyway that Brennan is his. Everyone will find out now.

Mom gives me a confused look at my words, "Are you okay?" she asks making no effort to even pick up the discarded letter on the bed.

I shake my head no at her question, "No," I state honestly before pushing past her to leave the bedroom. I have to go talk to Taylor, regardless of whether he wants to see me or not. I have to ask him why the hell he is dragging this through the courts. He should know that after having sex with him twice I would give him anything he wants.

Making it downstairs, I grab my keys which are laying on the table by the door. Putting them in my pocket, I swing the door open but stop in my tracks as I come face to face with Carrick who is now sporting a black eye. Giving him a confused look I don't move from where I am standing. I thought he couldn't come to Tulsa because he hadn't asked off and who the hell has given him a black eye?

"C..Carrick?" I ask wanting to make sure I am not just seeing things because I am pretty sure I am that pissed off that I could be seeing things, though I guess I sort of figured those things would be Taylor's dead body and not my husband standing on my parents porch with a black eye.

Carrick nods, "It's me," he sighs before running a hand through his hair. "Can we talk?" he asks me his eyes flashing with an urgency that I haven't seen from him before.

Moving aside so he can come in, I watch as he shakes his head no.

"I mean away from where people can hear us," Carrick speaks his voice going so low that I can almost make out the last part of what he has said to me.

Taking a deep breath, I walk out onto the porch where he is, shutting the door behind me. "What do you want to talk about?" I ask confused. "And why are you here? I thought you didn't ask off in enough time to get to leave?"

Carrick again runs a hand through his hair before answering me, "He came by the house," he states his eyes looking confused. "I..I never expected to see him again Avie but my god he was standing there on our porch," he sighs his head shaking. "H....he was coming to tell me that he knew, he knew about Bree," he whispers his voice going low and I feel my eyes widen. Taylor has done this to Carrick. Given him a black eye. "He also told me about how he had sex with you," Carrick reveals his eyes looking away from me though there is no venom in his voice. "After he said that, that's when Mike's wife came to the door behind me. She was in nothing but a sheet," Carrick pauses and the words of what he is saying sinks in. "He figured it out right away and before I knew it his fist was connecting with my eye. He told me I had twenty-four hours to come and tell you or he would do it himself."

Taking in his confession I shake my head, not wanting to believe them. Carrick would never cheat on me and fuck things up that is my job.

"You cheated on me?" I ask him, feeling my voice crack which shocks even myself. "You cheated on me and Taylor found out and did that to your eye?"

The moment I mention Taylor I notice the confusion on Carrick's face. As if he hadn't been talking about Taylor but I ignore it because who else would get that pissed over Carrick or know about Bree. "Y..yeah," Carrick's voice cracks. "Taylor did this to me."

Shaking my head I look away from him. I want to be angry at him for cheating because it hurts knowing he did it. Knowing he lied to me on the phone the day I called and she answered, but how can I be mad at him when I cheated on him twice with Taylor.

"Why did you lie?" I ask feeling tears stinging at my eyes. My anger with Taylor and his suing for custody of Bree being pushed back for now. "Why did you lie when I called you?"

Carrick shrugs his head dropping down, "Because I didn't think the truth would do any good. I didn't think you needed to know. I thought I could have my cake and eat it too."

My heartbreaks at Carrick's words. He honestly thinks I wasn't worth the truth. That I didn't need to know. "I would have told you about Taylor eventually," I tell him honestly. "Because I can't lie to you Care. I wish you could have been the same way with me."

"I'm sorry," Carrick whispers as he looks up at me. The moment he does his eyes land on the hickie on my neck that Taylor left behind during our second sexual encounter. "He leave that?" he ask curiously. He moves closer to me a finger running over the hickie. His expression is one I don't think I can read.

I nod my head shivering as his finger lingers on the skin, "The second time we had sex," I whisper feeling guilty now for being with Taylor twice. "He blindfolded me," I sigh my eyes closing. "It was the day after he found out about Bree being his."

Carrick moves his finger away, "I think it'd be best if maybe while you are here in Tulsa we, we take a little break or something. When you come home you can decide if you want to still be married to me," he whispers and I open my eyes watching him back away. "I just sense that a storm is brewing in the distance and it may change everything," he sighs before walking off the porch.

Frowning I watch him. So does this mean he will stop sending me notes about Bree's paternity? Now that he knows Taylor is informed of it. Now that Taylor has actually hit him. And what the hell does he mean about a storm brewing in the distance? Did Taylor tell him about his suing for custody of Bree.

Shaking my head I watch Carrick drive away before stepping off the porch and going to my car. Now I am finally gonna go confront Taylor, though this time it won't be just about the custody. No I plan on also telling him to stay out of my marriage and that no matter how pissed he is at Carrick for cheating on me he has no right to punch him or make him tell me the truth.

Arriving in his neighborhood I slow down when I see a blue truck leaving his driveway. I was right, it was that damn bastard playing a sick joke on me a few days ago. Pulling into his driveway I know he isn't home obviously but maybe he left Ezra in charge of the kids. Maybe I can wait until he gets back and then I can chew him a new asshole.

Getting out of my car I walk to the porch and raise my hand to knock, surprised when Taylor opens the door before I can. Raising an eyebrow I look at him feeling confused, "I thought you...I mean I saw your.." I state looking for the right words seeing Taylor giving me a confused look now. "The blue truck," I tell him feeling my heartbeat get faster.

"It's a friends truck," Taylor shrugs his voice going cold. He moves out of my way so I can come in. "The same friend who gave me this," he whispers so harsh, pointing to the black eye he is now sporting too.

My eyes widen some as I take in his black eye, "Why did your friend punch you for?" I ask wanting to laugh.

Taylor just glares, "Because I ruined an agreement we had," he tells me as he shuts the door. "I wasn't supposed to do something’s and he found out today that I had."

"Maybe that is karma then," I nod before walking into the living room. "You punched Carrick so you get punched by your friend."

"I punched Carrick?" Taylor asks obviously playing dumb. I hate when he plays dumb because it's fucking annoying as hell.

I roll my eyes, sitting down on the couch, "Stop playing dumb you asshole," I snap at him harshly. "You went to mine and Carrick's house. You told him you knew about Bree then you told him we had sex, twice," I sigh seeing him look confused when I mention having sex with him twice. Was he drunk when we had sex? Is that why he is confused now. I don't remember smelling alcohol on him though.

Taylor's face changes eventually to one of recognition like he has figured something out and he runs a hand through his hair, "You are right," he nods finally admitting to what I already knew. "I punched your husband and told him everything I knew," he shrugs. "What can I say? I was and still am mad that you guys fucking kept me in the dark about Bree. I mean I figured you would realize I am still mad, I did after all sue you for custody."

Glaring now I cross my arms, "I figured you were still mad. I'm not sure why you sued though. You should have known after the second time we fucked and I let you keep my blindfolded that I would do anything you wanted Taylor," I inform him before frowning. "If you wanted to see her I wouldn't stop you."

"And what about Carrick?" Taylor asks as he sits down beside me. "Would he let me see my daughter, I mean legally since his name is on that birth certificate he can stop me Avery."

I shake my head, "I don't even know if Carrick and I will stay together," I let him know when he asks about Carrick. "I mean he did cheat on me, that was the other reason you punched him," I smile some realizing that Taylor punched Carrick because he was pissed also about Carrick hurting me. Taylor may have been mad about Bree but he still cared if I got hurt.

Taylor nods almost looking like Taylor's cheating is new information to him. I'm sure he is faking dumb again. That fucking asshole. "I still don't trust him and if you two divorce he could take you for custody of Bree. I'm not risking losing her to him. I want her legally Avie."

"So you are going to take her from me?" I ask him feeling hurt by that. "Even though I'm on your side and will let you see her."

"If it means I don't lose her to Carrick when or if you divorce then yeah I am willing to take her from you," Taylor says sounding so honest. "She is my daughter too and I'll be damned if he takes her or even refuses to let me see her Avery. Also you may stay with him and then what? I don't see Carrick agreeing to let me see her or you even standing up to him to let me see her."

I go silent knowing that he has a point, "Then be ready to fight because I'm not losing my daughter," I speak out harshly before standing from the couch. "I lose Junia and I'm not losing Bree," I tell him before leaving the living room.

Going to the front door I open it and head outside slamming the door shut behind me. Walking to my car I get in driving back to my parents house.

When I reach the house again I park the car, getting out and smiling when I see Junia on the porch playing with some Barbie dolls. "What are you doing Junebug?" I ask her as I sit down beside her.

Junia looks up, handing me a Barbie doll, "Thinking about daddy," she smiles. "I talked to him last night."

Hearing her say she talked to Zac last night makes me frown. I had no clue she talked to him sometimes. I guess she is like me in that aspect. "What did you and daddy talk about?" I ask her as I hold the Barbie she gave me.

"Bree," Junia blurts out so carelessly. "I told him that Care is her daddy though, that he isn't her daddy like he is mine. I don't wanna share him too."

I laugh some at that, "But you share him with Shepherd," I remind her before putting the Barbie back down so she can play with it.

Junia looks up at me again, "Shepherd shares him with me. Shepherd is older mommy," she says as if I should know that. "Duh."

I laugh more, standing from the porch, "If you say so little girl," I mutter shaking my head. Going inside I head upstairs deciding after today that I need a really long nap. A week long nap would be good.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Fuck," I whisper going out of the room too.

Live In My Memory Chapter Six

The next morning I wake up when I hear Bree crying from down the hall. Getting out of bed I stumble down the hallway still half asleep. I'm a little curious though about why Bree has already stopped crying before I have even got to her.

Opening the door to the room she is in, I stop in my tracks when I see Taylor sitting in the rocking chair with her. Her head is on his chest and she seems content as she sucks on a bottle that he obviously made for her. I'm not sure why but my heart is melting at the sight. Damn it I'm supposed to be mad at him for taking me to court not finding him cute as he tends to his daughter.

"I didn't know you were coming by," I speak up to let him know I am in the room. When he looks up at me I frown seeing his black eye looks worse than it did yesterday. His friend sure did a hell of a number on him.

Taylor shrugs but continues to rock with Bree, "I was just out running errands after taking the kids by Pam's for the day. I decided to come by and see my other child before going anywhere else though," he smiles looking down at Bree.

"Natalie still isn't home?" I ask him. I know she wasn't there when I stopped by yesterday but I had thought she was out doing some things, not that she was still gone.

Taylor shakes his head, "Nope, she is still gone and she isn't answering my calls either. Pam says she knows where Natalie is though so at least she is keeping in contact with someone right," he frowns slightly but when Bree looks up at him he stops. "She's so beautiful."

I smile, walking over to where Taylor and Bree are, "She is beautiful," I nod before leaning down to kiss her forehead. "I think she looks so much like you," I confess as I catch his eyes. "I'm surprised you never suspected sooner."

"I think I did deep down, even in the kitchen when she called me daddy, I think I knew," Taylor sighs as he looks away from me. "I just never thought you'd betray me like that Avery," he frowns again, standing from the rocking chair. He moves Bree up on his hip and she goes back to resting her head on his chest.

Frowning I look down at the carpet, "But I did," I finish for him. "I betrayed you and kept you from your daughter for seven months. I know that, we don't have to rehash this over again Taylor."

"But we do," Taylor states, walking over to the door. "I want you to know how much you hurt me," he says his voice sounding so sad. "I missed so much already Avery. Even if I don't get custody of her I will find a way to make it so you don't leave Tulsa and go back to Oklahoma City."

Going silent I watch Taylor leave the room. I'm too stunned to say anything. Exactly how is he going to stop me from going back home, back to Carrick so that maybe we can fix our marriage or even decide to divorce.

"Fuck," I whisper going out of the room too. Going back into the room where I am staying I reach for my cell phone that is beside the bed, seeing a text from Carrick.

I loved you first.

Rolling my eyes at that, I shut the phone off, not even messaging him back. What do I say to that anyway? It's probably his why of trying to get back on my good side after telling me he cheated.

Putting the phone back on the night stand then leave, heading downstairs and into the kitchen. I find Taylor there, Bree in a high chair while Taylor sits at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee, "You aren't going to take that scarf off?" I ask not liking his habit of always wearing them inside.

"Got a problem with me wearing it inside?" Taylor asks curiously. He sits his coffee cup down, taking the scarf off finally. The moment he does I can see his chest hairs sticking out thanks to his inability to button the top two buttons of his shirt.

Fucking hell, he hadn't been the one who blindfolded me. Fucking hell it had been a stranger. That thought made me sick and I ran off towards the downstairs bathroom, shutting the door behind me as well as locking it.

Bending down once I reached the toilet I got sick. I had only had sex with that person because I thought I knew them but now it seems like I hadn't known them at all. Does that classify it as rape? If I only wanted it when I thought I had known the person. If I only wanted it if it had been Taylor or well even in a weird way Carrick.

After a while I stand back up and open the door. Making my way back into the kitchen I see Taylor still at the table though now he is eyeing me suspiciously.

"Just felt ill," I lie to him. It shouldn't be so easy to lie to him but it is. It's like it's natural. Anyway how can I tell him the truth? How can I tell him I had sex with some stranger who I thought was him?

Taylor gives me a skeptical look but stands from the table anyway, "Whatever you say Avie," he shrugs before walking past me. "Tell mom I said hello," he calls out.

I just nod still in shock that the person I had sex with wasn't him. I have never felt so used or violated before in my life.

"I think mommy needs to get drunk Bree," I mutter to her as I walk to the table to collect Taylor's now empty coffee cup. His laziness knows no bounds.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Hours later I smile, my eyes catching Jessica's. I'm glad I have an older sister like her. Someone who if I call her and tell her I need to go and get drunk will take me out and do just that without even asking why. I guess with me she has learned to stop asking questions though. She's probably sure she won't like the answer she gets if she does ask.

"Avery don't you think you have drank enough?" Jessica asks as her head leans in closer to mine. "I'm sure that's your sixth beer of the night."

I laugh at her words, "Just one more Jessie," I tell her. Turning away I look at the bartender and order one more drink. "I need one more drink to forget."

Jessica sighs from her place beside me and I feel her stand up off the bar stool, "Well you are going to have to find your own way home then miss drunker than a skunk," she scolds me. "I need to get home to Joe and Hans before it gets too late. I can't unlike you just forget about my family waiting for me."

Ignoring her words I just let her walk away, picking up my beer when it comes. I take a long drink already dreading the cab ride to my mom's house.

"This seat taken?" a male voice asks from beside me. When I turn to look at them I smirk. He isn't so bad looking. In my inebriated state he could pass for Zac's twin even.

Shaking my head I smirk more when the guy sits down, "It was taken but my sister left me to go be a stick in the mud," I giggle trying not to stare at the guy. I know he isn't Zac but it really is uncanny how much he looks like Zac.

I hear the guy laugh after he orders a rum and coke. I can't help but find it funny that Zac's twin likes the same drink he always liked when he did drink. "Your sister always a stick in the mud?" he asks me his hand coming over to rest on my thigh.

His hand being there makes me shiver but not in the I am cold kind of way. "No."

"Then why she is one tonight?" he asks me right as his drink arrives. I turn to watch him take a drink. As he does so the hand on my thigh inches farther up.

Blushing I chew on my lip, "Because she has a husband and kid to get back too. She has to be responsible," I pout or start too. When his hand reaches the crotch of my jeans I feel myself move in response to his touch. "Don't you think your hands are getting kind of feely mister?" I ask him.

He just gives me a crooked smile which makes my heart melt. It reminds me of Zac's smile and I know I am screwed. I can't resist that fucking crooked smile on Zac or his twin.

"Sorry," he apologizes but keeps his hand where it's at. "I just thought you might like some fun," he replies before taking another drink of his rum and coke. "If not I can go," he shrugs his hand finally moving from where it had been. "I'm sure another woman in here would like to have some fun with me," he spits out before standing from his bar stool.

Watching him walk away I frown. I hadn't mean to hurt him. Standing from the bar stool I go after him not liking the fact that he has decided to go through the packed crowd on the dance floor. When I finally spot him I see him flirting with some blonde bimbo who has a barely there top and even less of a there skirt.

Rolling my eyes I make my way over to where he is, "I'm sorry," I tell him not caring that he is in the middle of a conversation. I know if he were really Zac he wouldn't care but I have to remind myself he isn't Zac. Zac is dead.

The guys looks at me his brown eyes looking right through me. It makes me shiver too. No one has ever looked right through me like that before. "Sorry enough to dance with me?"

Looking down I nod, "I don't dance," I shrug before looking back up. "But I guess I can give you a dance to prove how sorry I am."

Seeing the stranger smirk I feel him put his arms around my hips and he turns me around. His arms feel familiar almost like the ones from when I had sex the other day with that stranger. But just like he is not Zac there is no way he was the stranger either. It's just my drunken imagination playing tricks on me.

When he stops in the middle of the dance floor, I turn myself around in his arms, feeling goosebumps form when I am literally right against his body. He smells nice though like weed, alcohol and some kind of chocolate.

Hearing the song change I blush when he pulls me even closer, starting to dance with me. It's not that I don't like it because I do but damn it do I really need to go and more than likely fuck another stranger? I've already done that and I have also fucked Taylor too since being back.

I am afraid if I keep doing this the person who knows about Bree's paternity may find out and somehow start using my sex life against me. I know I don't have the best reputation, I'm kind of a slut I always have been.

The longer we dance I soon feel the guy's hand go down to my ass which he grabs playfully. I don't mean to moan but I do, my hips moving into the guys anymore. "You have a name?" I ask him, my lips going to their ear which I nip softly. If they want to play the flirting card then we will.

"You can call me anything you want to call me," he whispers into my ear finally pulling away from me. Without saying anything else he grabs me by the hand and starts to lead me out, though before we get to the door someone grabs him by the arm to stop him.

I just stand there watching as things almost play out in slow motion, the person who stopped him throws a punch, the stranger ending up on the floor which causes him to drop my hand. Bending down to see if he is okay I groan as the person who threw the punch picks me up by the waist before I have time to even protest. Their strong arms keeping me in place the whole way outside.

"Do you always leave with fucking strangers?" another male voice greets my ears. I wanna call him on being a stranger too but I don't. He is after all carrying me out of the bar and he seems much stronger than me. "I swear you really don't fucking learn," he growls when he makes it to a blue truck. A truck that looks like the one that I saw leaving Taylor's house.

When he opens the door to the passenger side that is when he finally puts me down, slamming the door before I can get a good look at his face.

The driver's side door opens eventually and I watch him get in my mind reeling when I see the face staring back at me. If I had thought the guy at the bar was Zac's twin I was wrong. This guy here in the truck was Zac's twin. He even sounded like Zac.

"You better be glad I was here tonight," he hisses out before starting his truck. "Next time you won't be so lucky."

Going silent I look out the window as he drives. "Who are you?" I ask breaking the silence. I am almost afraid that he is Zac's ghost coming back to haunt me from the dead.

"Sam," he answers me like he is pissed off. "I'm a friend of Taylor's," he informs me and I know I was right about this truck looking like the one I saw leaving Taylor's house. It was the one I saw leaving his house.

I go silent again not saying anything else to Sam, at least not until he pulls up at my parents house. It's then that I speak to him again. "You know you are a stranger too," I tell him watching as he turns to look at me. "You may know my brother but to me you are a stranger," I whisper when I see him inch closer to me.

Sam's brown eyes lock with mine before he leans into kiss me on the lips and with that kiss I feel like that breath has been knocked out of me. I have kissed Sam before. His lips are the ones that were kissing me mere days ago. Sam is the one who blindfolded me. The one I felt so alive with.

Kissing him harder I let my hands go to rest on his cheeks, "Take me inside," I mutter into his mouth, my tongue finding its way inside. I know I shouldn't but I want to be with Sam again. I want to feel alive again. It's a feeling I haven't felt with Carrick or Taylor. A feeling that only Zac and it seems now Sam, can give me.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Fuck," I mutter at the thought of Sam.

Live In Me Memory Chapter Seven

Sam complies with my request for him to take me inside. He takes me inside, leading me upstairs so effortlessly, making sure to be quiet and not wake anyone up. I almost find it endearing how well he is at walking without making any noise.

The moment we are in the room where I am staying he shuts it behind us, locking it too. I'm glad he did that because I don't want Junia or one of my parents to walk in to see me having sex with some stranger I have never met before.

Kissing him again I groan out as he pushes me towards the bed. I can feel his erection pressing against me. That seems to be leading me on. Making me want to get him naked so he can be inside of me. Giving up control I let him push me on the bed, biting down on his bottom lip when his hands go under my shirt. They are so hot against my skin which suddenly feels cold.

"Avie," Sam whines into the kiss, his hips pressing against me so that I can feel his erection again. It's when he calls me Avie that I wonder how he knows my name. If Taylor has told him at some point. I mean he must know about me somehow. To take me out of the bar before I could leave with that one dude and then the day he blindfolded me. He has to know about me somehow.

Pulling away from the kiss, I take my shirt off, throwing it to the floor before kissing Sam again. The kiss is much like the last one. Heated and passionate. It's amazing how Sam makes me feel things I never thought I could or would feel again. Sam is what Taylor tried to be at the cabin when Bree was conceived. Sam is my life line and the anchor that is keeping me from drowning. He is the missing puzzle piece.

Sam's lips move away from my own. They makes a trail down to my neck where he kisses the hickie he left last time. His tongue coming out to lick it softly. He is like a dog almost, making sure his mark is still there.

"I love you," Sam whispers on my skin. When his breath hits it I shiver my eyes closing tight. Hearing him say he loves me makes me want to cry. I can't say it back still because no matter how alive he makes me feel he isn't Zac even if he has Zac's face.

If he gets offended at me not saying I love him back he doesn't say anything. His lips just keep trailing down my body. "It's so sexy when you don't wear a bra," he mutters before leaving tiny kisses on each of my breast. I wish he'd suck on them like Taylor has done. At the thought of Taylor I want to kick myself. I will not think of Taylor during sex with Sam.

When his lips get to my jeans I feel him move away long enough to undo them. I lift them myself to help him take them off along with my panties. "I'm going to eat you," Sam mutters so seductively as he pushes my hips apart his head going for it's intended destination.

All I can do once he gets there is moan out when he kisses me. He is deliberately teasing me though, just kissing the lips and nowhere else. His scruff rubbing against me every so often. I'm a sucker for the scruff. That's the one thing I always liked when Zac had scruff. How it felt when he did his favorite past time.

The longer he stays down there the louder my moans get, especially when he stops teasing me and goes to work with his tongue. His tongue again was so good. I'm sure he probably could have learned a thing or two from the same oral sex school Zac went too.

"Sam," I whimper out letting my hands go down to his hair which I pull on softly. Hearing him moan like he did the last time I smirk. "So fucking good," I mutter out to him before he slips a finger inside of me. His fingers are much rougher than Taylor's were.

When I think of Taylor again I frown, hating myself. I wish I had some sort of brain bleach so I could remove Taylor from it. He comes up at the worst possible times.

Sam keeps up his work though, his finger finding a good pace to move in and out of me. When I feel my orgasm start to come on, I close my eyes tighter, pulling his hard before whispering his name out. I want to yell it but I figure with others in the house that would be a bad thing to do.

Sam moves away from my legs, coming up to kiss me on the lips, his tongue finding it's way into my mouth. All I can taste on him is me and that kind of gives me a rush to taste myself on his tongue. I always used to like tasting myself on Zac.

Pulling away from the kiss Sam looks down at me before moving away. I frown when he sits up like he is going to leave. I haven't even taken care of him yet. "Wait," I tell him as I sit up and catch his arm. "I haven't helped you with your problem," I smirk before kissing him again.

This time when we kiss I push him down on the bed and get over him. If he got me off by going down on me then I am going to return the favor. I'm gonna go down on him too because it is only fair that way.

Kissing him harder I undo his yellow plaid button down shirt, pushing it off him in a hurry. After it is off my lips trail down his neck where I suck and kiss on the skin. I'm tempted to mark him but I'm not sure if he'd like that. Zac liked but Carrick doesn't. I'm not even sure what Taylor likes when it comes to marking.

"Avie," Sam moans out his hands going to my back. The moment his nails dig in to the skin there I shiver and bit down on his lip. It feels nice to have his nails digging into me.

"I wanna mark you," I whisper on his neck my tongue going out to lick the skin much like he had previously licked where he marked me.

Sam moans more tilting his head to allow me better access or at least I think that is what it means. Smirking I leave a mark on his neck. Not as big as the one he left on me but enough that he'll be able to see it when he looks in the mirror or anyone standing close to him can see it.

After the mark is there I kiss my way down his chest, stopping to tease each of his nipples which makes him moan louder. Seems he is like Zac and likes to have his nipples played with during sex. I'll have to try to remember that when I am sober.

Moving my lips farther down his body I stop when I reach his jeans. Before I have a chance to undo them though, Sam sits up pushing me away quickly.

"I...I have to go," Sam mutters standing from the bed. He reaches down to pick up the shirt I had taken off him, buttoning it quickly.

I frown as I watch him. I'm confused about why he pushed me away before I could take care of his problem for him. Why he wouldn't let me give him a blow job. "Are you sure you won't let me take care of your problem?" I ask him. He keeps his back to me though not even facing me.

If I was expecting him to answer me he doesn't. He just leaves after fixing his shirt. Laying back on the bed I sigh when my eyes see the ceiling. I'm still so put off about why Sam left before I could return the favor. Had I done something wrong unknowingly? Had he not wanted me to suck his dick?

Closing my eyes I frown more feeling like shit now. I had never had anyone just leave in the middle of getting freaky. It stung, it stung more than it probably should have and now I was back to feeling less alive. With Sam gone I was back to feeling like a piece of me was missing.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
"Avery," Zoe's voice says loudly which causes me to wake up groaning. Looking towards the door, I pull the covers over my naked body more. "Mom wanted me to tell you breakfast was ready," Zoe smirks as she takes in my appearance.

I groan at the mention of breakfast. I'm not feeling like eating. Not after all the drinks I had consumed, "I'll be done soon," I tell Zoe who smirks more and walks off. After she is gone I lay farther into the bed, pulling the blankets over my head. All I can remember from last night is almost leaving the bar with some stranger. I think I'm vaguely aware I didn't leave with them though. I left with Taylor's friend Sam who brought me home.

"Fuck," I mutter at the thought of Sam. Most of the memories are fuzzy but I do remember the oral sex and then him running off when I wanted to return the favor. I'm still baffled by why he ran off. I really need to ask Taylor about him. Tell Taylor I need to speak to him. I feel like I need to apologize to Sam for whatever I did to freak him out. I'd also like to see him while sober too, at least then maybe I would know if he was at least cute enough to let his face go between my legs.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Here I am," I force a smile. "Why were you looking for me?" I ask my eyebrow raising curiously.

Live In My Memory Chapter Eight

Later that day once I'm finally able to function without the results of drinking too much kicking my ass, I bundle both of the kids up and decide to take them to the park. It's cold but Junia needs something to do to get her pent up energy out. She also needs something to do besides talking about how she talked to Zac again last night.

It's not that I don't like that she talks to Zac because I do. What gets me this time is the fact that she says he gave her the new doll she has been playing with all morning. Now to be honest I don't really remember packing that doll or her even having it to begin with but I know there is no logical way that Zac gave Junia that doll last night.

Sitting down on a bench I watch Junia run off to the slides a smile crossing my face as I park Bree's stroller in front of me. I would have taken her to the swings but she has chosen now to fall asleep for her nap. It figures she'd chose to fall asleep right as we got to the park.

I'm not sure how long I'm sitting on the park bench until I hear Shepherd's voice call out for Junia before I see him run over to the slides where she is at. If I had known Kate was going to come here today I probably would have opted out of this park trip.

"There you are," Kate nods giving me a smile as she sits down next to me. "I was looking for you. I went by your parents but your mom said you took the girls to the park," Kate rambles a hand running through her long hair. She is being unusually nice and it scares the fuck out of me.

"Here I am," I force a smile. "Why were you looking for me?" I ask my eyebrow raising curiously.

Kate swallows hard, her eyes training into mine, "Shepherd said he saw Zac last night," Kate informs me and I feel my body get colder, much colder than it really is. "He kept going on and on about it at breakfast, hell he even has a toy I know I didn't buy him Avery. He says the toy came from Zac."

Looking away from Kate I run a hand through my hair now. Shepherd's story matches Junia down to a t. They both have toys they say that Zac gave them last night. But how the hell is that possible? How could Zac have given them toys last night? Zac is dead, he has been dead for a year now. It's something I have tried to come to terms with though a part of me still misses him like crazy, still feels as if he were alive but I know that's not possible.

"Junia has a toy too," I tell Kate finally able to speak. "She says it came from Zac."

Kate pales at my information, "Shit," she whispers shaking her head. "But there is no way," she frowns. "I mean I saw his...I think I saw his...fuck," she curses one last time.

I'm sure if I could see my own face right now it would be one of confusion. Kate rarely cusses. Not since she found God after marrying Zac. So to hear her using such language now is astounding and new. Have I died and woken up in some alternate reality?

"Think you saw his what?" I ask her confused by what she is trying to say.

Kate turns away from me, her eyes staring at the kids now, "I think I saw his body," she whispers and I feel my heart stop beating. "The day in the studio. I showed up after Taylor texted me," Kate reveals telling me things I hadn't know. "I went to the office, the door was cracked but I could see the blood on the wall from the crack and what looked like his arm on the table. That's all I could stand to see. The blood on the wall was just too much for me."

Taking in what Kate is saying I shake my head, "You never opened the door?" I ask her clearly shocked by her revelation. I don't blame her for not opening the door or seeing the body. I'm not sure I could see it either, but I do blame her for lying about things. I blame her for making it out like she saw Zac's body when she didn't. "How could you lie about such things? I mean you made everyone believe you saw his body."

Kate shrugs and it's then I notice her tears, "I just wanted people to feel even more sorry for me Avery," she finally speaks. "Everyone knew I was divorcing him, everyone but you of course. I knew they'd all blame me for his death so I wanted sympathy and I let them believe I found his body. Taylor wasn't around to correct me."

At her words I shake my head, "You are pathetic," I tell her honestly. "I knew that when you blackmailed me to leave my own daughter but this, this is new," I sigh before shutting my eyes.

"The Junia thing was a lie too Avery," Kate whispers her voice cracking. "Natalie and I we made up the plan together. It was my idea but she wrote the false letter about me going to child protective services. Her mom helped her make it look legit."

Closing my eyes tighter I feel a lump form in my throat, "You lied to me," I say my voice coming out strangled as tears go down my cheeks. "You robbed me of a life with Zac and Junia. I missed having a family with the man I love because of you," I frown as I open my eyes and wipe away my tears. "And because of you I can't get that back either. Zac is dead now so even if we wanted too we couldn't be together."

"I know that," Kate speaks her voice low. "I'm sorry Avery. I know it's too late for it but I am. I'm sorry for all my lies."

Laughing some I look at her curiously, "Why are you telling the truth now? Why now?"

Kate looks down at her pocketbook that is resting on her lap, "I got a letter yesterday. Someone knew all of my secrets. They had a copy of the letter Pam faked. They said if I didn't tell the truth, didn't reveal all of my lies that I would lose Shepherd. They would make me lose him for taking Junia away from you."

At the mention of her getting a letter I sigh, "It seems everyone seems to be getting letters lately," I tell Kate before standing up and grabbing a hold of Bree's stroller. Hollering for Junia I watch as she runs over to me. When she reaches me I bend down to her level and tell her to say goodbye to Kate for now. That we have to get back to Grandma and Grandpa's.

Watching as Junia does as told. I take her hand once she is finished and I lead her back to the car while pushing Bree with my free hand. Making it to the car I open the backseat, first putting Junia in and then Bree. Once both girls are in then I load the stroller up.

Getting in myself I see my cell phone in the cup holder. It's lit up so I know I have text messages. Picking up the phone I soon open my messages seeing three from a number I don't recognize. Clicking the first one I see that it's telling me that my husband is in the hospital. Clicking the second one I get the same message along with a please get here asap. When I click the third it's just a get here asap along with a woman's name. Heather. I don't know who Heather is but I get the feeling she is probably Mike's wife.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Two hours later I find myself running the halls of the main hospital close to where Carrick and I live in Oklahoma City. When I get to the waiting room I hear someone calling my name and turn to look seeing a slutty brunette walking my way.

"I was wondering if you were going to make it," Heather or at least I hope she is Heather snaps at me. "Carrick bless his soul wanted his wife here for him, though I told him I'd be okay being here for him. That he didn't need you."

Glaring at Heather I shake my head, "Sorry, I had my kids at the park and my phone was in the car. After I got your messages though I dropped the kids off at my parents and got here as quick as I could. What happened?" I ask not sure why he is in the hospital."

Heather frowns as if even remembering it is too painful for her, "W..we were at your house. We had just finished..you know," she shrugs. "There was a knock at the door so Carebaby went to go and get it. The next thing I know is hearing yelling and things breaking. When I heard the gunshot, that's when I got scared and went downstairs. By that time the person was leaving. I just watched them drive off in a blue truck," she stops long enough to breath. "Carebaby was lying on the floor with a gunshot wound to his arm. He said the person wasn't trying to hurt him, just rough him up and teach him a lesson. They didn't like that he was still fucking me. Apparently they had been watching the house all day and saw me show up."

Hearing the part about the blue truck all I can think of is Sam. Sam shot Carrick but why, why would he care if Carrick was cheating on me? Why is Sam so obsessed with me? Why would Sam watch our house...why would he even blindfold me? The only one with answers though is Taylor. Taylor is after all friends with him.

"Can I see Carrick?" I ask Heather who nods.

"He is in room 203. They already did surgery to get the bullet out," Heather calls out after I start walking away.

I just roll my eyes at her words. Making it to Carrick's room by power walking I open the door and watch as he opens his eyes when he hears the door shut behind me.

"Avery," Carrick smiles sitting up slowly. "I wasn't sure you would come."

I roll my eyes again, sitting down in a chair beside his bed, "I shouldn't have came. I mean your brunette slut would have done a brilliant job standing in for me," I tell him as my voice turns cold. "Why are you still fucking her? I mean I thought your text yesterday..I thought maybe you would stop."

Carrick frowns, reaching for me hand, "It was one relapse," he justifies. "I was scared once you saw him I'd lose you. I can never hold a candle to your brothers, especially him."

"Taylor?" I ask confused. I feel Carrick squeeze my hand and I squeeze back not sure why I am being affectionate with him. "Trust me I wouldn't have sex with Taylor again," I reassure him. I'm too mad at Taylor over the Bree custody thing to have sex with him again, even if I did think of him during sex with Sam. "And you should know I'd chose you over Taylor any day."

Carrick looks at me confused, "Not Taylor," he sighs looking down. "Zac."

The moment he mentions Zac I let go of his hand, "Zac's dead," I tell him. I know Kate hadn't seen his body but Taylor had. Taylor wouldn't lie to everyone.

"Trust me Avie, I don't know how or why but Zac has been on our porch twice now. He has roughed me up twice because I'm cheating on you, the woman he loves," Carrick whispers his eye going to my hand where I wear the ring he gave me on our wedding day. "The woman I love too."

Hearing him say that Zac has been on our porch twice I stand up from the chair, "You said Taylor did that," I snap feeling angry at him for even trying to tell me Zac is alive. He isn't, he is dead. "Stop fucking lying," I yell before turning to leave his hospital room.

I don't look back once at all after leaving his room. I just continue walking until I make it to my car where I get in and break down in tears. Why is everyone seeing Zac lately or saying they have seen him. He is dead and he isn't coming back.

"Why can't I see you?" I finally ask through my tears. "Why can't I see you Zac? Show yourself to me."

Hearing a knock on the window I jump, turning my head to see Taylor's blue eyes staring at me through the glass of my car window. How did he know to be at the hospital here in Oklahoma City?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Your friend," I start not sure how to start this. "Why did he really shoot Carrick?"

Live In My Memory Chapter Nine

Getting out of my car, I look at Taylor who is standing there like he expects something of me. When he pulls me into a hug I'm powerless to resist him. I'm powerless to pull away.

"He shot Carrick for other reasons, besides the cheating," Taylor whispers when his lips come to rest on my ear. I shiver at the contact, confused as to why he knows the reason for Carrick being shot or well the reasons both Carrick and Heather gave me. I'm also confuse as to how he knows just why Sam shot Carrick or even that Sam did it.

I pull away, looking him over, "How do you know what Heather said was the reason that Carrick was shot?" I ask him looking into his eyes. "How did you even know your friend did it?"

Taylor looks away from my eye contact, "My friend and I, we were close by when Heather or whatever the hell her name is was talking to you," he explains. "It was my friend's idea to be at the hospital. He figured they'd call you and tell you to be there. He wanted to see the explanation they gave you," he shrugs finally looking at me. "I know my friend did it because I was in the truck while he was arguing with Carrick. I watched as he shot him."

"Your friend," I start not sure how to start this. "Why did he really shoot Carrick?" I ask another question. "I know his name is Sam by the way," I inform Taylor wondering if Sam has told him about the blindfold sex or the night at the bar. "Why did Sam shoot Carrick?"

Taylor chews on his lip like he is thinking over whether he should tell me. "Carrick is the one who sent Natalie the letter," he speaks so soft. "Apparently Sam's been keeping tabs on Carrick for awhile. Wanting to make sure you were okay, that Carrick treated you okay. Somehow he happened to overhear a plot that Carrick and his fuck buddy had. They were going to make you look crazy Avie. They were going to pin Natalie's letter and other things on you," he tells me and I feel a chill run down my spine as I think of the letter that Kate got and the one I got. "Carrick was planning on getting you locked away somewhere and taking the girls. He..he didn't want them to know they were the product of incest. He didn't want them to be scarred by the truth one day. I guess he thought with you out of the picture he could protect them from that."

I shake my head trying to comprehend what Taylor is saying to me, "Why does Sam even care what Carrick does to me?" I ask Taylor as my voice goes soft. Tears are now going down my cheek and I'm not sure how much longer I can stand on my own. The betrayal that Carrick had planned hurts like a bitch. "Why would Sam watch me and Carrick for months," I frown not sure why Taylor's friend is so obsessed with me.

"Because Avery," Taylor whispers as he reaches over to wipe my tears away. "Sam loves you," he frowns as he pulls me into him again. "Sam loves you," he repeats his words.

Crying more I bury my head into Taylor's neck. I don't understand how Sam can love me. I don't even understand how Sam has come to know of me enough that he would watch Carrick and I for months, that he could fall in love with me. It's sick and fucking twisted.

"C..can you drive me back home Taylor?" I ask into his shoulder not sure if I can make the drive myself. "I just don't feel like driving after what I found out about Carrick," I tell Taylor before pulling away from the hug. "I need my big brother," I smile sadly. I'm sure he can tell I'm not sure I mean him. I'm sure he knows I really mean Zac. My life is falling apart and I need Zac but I guess Taylor will have to do.

Taylor nods, his hand going to rest on my cheek, "Sam left to head back to Tulsa. I need a ride back there anyway, so yeah I can drive you there," he smiles before leaning in to kiss my lips. It's a brief kiss but it makes me feel better.

Moving away from Taylor I walk to the passenger side of the car and get in. Buckling up I go silent as Taylor gets in and starts the car beginning the hour drive back to Tulsa.

As he drives I just lay my head back and close my eyes drifting off to sleep. I'm vaguely aware of being woken up once by what sounds like Taylor's phone ringing. When or if he answers it though I don't know what is said because I have gone back to sleep.

When the car does come to a stop I open my eyes, becoming vaguely aware of my surroundings, "Why are we here?" I ask Taylor as I look at the apartment I once shared with Zac. "Why did you bring me here?"

Taylor turns the car off, his eyes looking at me again, "Because this is Sam's early Christmas present to you," he sighs like he is angry. "Sam leased out your old apartment for you today. He wants you and the girls to stay here instead of going back to Oklahoma City after Christmas. Apparently he left the keys to the place under the mat."

Looking at Taylor I raise my eyebrow, "H..how did he know where Zac and I lived?"

"I may have told him at some point," Taylor smiles but it doesn't seem sincere. Brushing that off though I get out of the car and head to the apartment Zac and I shared. Bending down I look under the mat and sure enough there is a set of keys to the place.

Smiling I use the keys to let myself in. I hope Taylor won't mind that I want to go in for a few minutes. That I just want to see the inside of the place where I shared so many good times with Zac. Where Zac and I had made Junia.

Going inside I pull my jacket closer because it's cold in the apartment. The apartment looks furnished though. Like something that had been done recently. Just how long has Sam been planning this? I know his obsession with me is creepy but this is sweet. This is the place where I have my last remaining good memories of Zac and my bad one, the day I left and ignored his pleas to stay via phone calls.

Making it to the bedroom I shared with Zac I open the door. A smile coming to my lips as I go into the room. All I can remember in here is the numerous times we made love. The time we made Junia. Sitting on the bed I notice a piece of paper on the night stand which I reach for. Again I am greeted with the handwriting from the day Sam had sex with me while I was blindfolded.

Merry Early Christmas. I'm sorry about your husband but he was a piece of shit to begin with. I hope soon that we can meet face to face when you are sober but right now I don't think you are ready for that. I hope Junia liked the doll I got her.  
Sam

Dropping the note on the ground I swallow hard. Sam had just confirmed in this that he was the one who gave Junia her doll. The one she said came from her daddy. Swallowing hard I shake my head recalling that Carrick said Zac was the one who shoot him. That Zac was the one who had been on our porch twice now.

"No," I whisper out not wanting to believe what my mind has come too. Could Zac...could he really be alive? I mean after all with Kate not having seen the body or been the one to take care of it. Her leaving it up to Taylor. Could Taylor actually be trusted? Could I really take Taylor's word that he found Zac dead in the office?

Standing from the bed I leave the room and apartment quickly, going back out to my car where Taylor is still waiting.

"You okay?" Taylor asks me when I slam the door and buckle up. "I mean going in there didn't bring up bad memories did it?" he asks as if he is so concerned. How the fuck can he act concerned about me if he is lying about Zac being dead?

"I'm fine," I lie not wanting to let on to Taylor that anything is wrong. That I now suspect he is lying about Zac. That Zac is somehow alive. "I just want to get home to my girls," I tell him before forcing a smile on my lips.

Taylor looks me over as if he doesn't believe me but he starts the car anyway. Driving it back to our parents house. "I was wondering if you'd bring the girls and spend Christmas with me? Natalie is still gone and Pam talked me into letting her keep the kids so that Natalie could come to her house and spend Christmas with them. I don't want to be alone and I'd like to spend time with Bree."

"I..sure," I agree not really sure why. I don't trust him so why am I agreeing to spend Christmas with him, agreeing to let him go near Bree. "The girls and I will spend Christmas with you," I smile again this time it isn't as forced.

Taylor grins at my agreement. He looks like a kid in a candy store. I didn't think my agreeing to be there would have made him that happy but apparently it has. Maybe he does want to catch up on lost time with Bree but thanks to Sam or maybe Zac he will get to for the rest of her life. I mean I don't see myself going back to Carrick now so I guess I will live in the apartment I used to share with Zac.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Everything is good," I smile hoping he believes my words.

Live In My Memory Chapter Ten

Christmas gets here quicker than I know and I smile as I find myself standing in Taylor's kitchen listening to Junia talk to him about her newest toys that she had just opened in his living room. I know just a few days ago I was mad at him but it's like whenever I see or hear him with one of my daughters something inside of me changes.

"You know a little help making this food would be nice," I tell Taylor trying to stay stern. Since I was coming over I decided I would help him fix the lunch for that day. Tonight would be the big blow out at my parents house. "I mean I've nearly really fixed an apple pie before."

Taylor laughs telling Junia she can go in the living room to play now. "You know, you could just let me fix this by myself," he smirks when he comes to stand beside me taking what I am holding out of my hands before I can protest. "Natalie does trust me enough not to burn down the house and fix food by myself."

Laughing I shake my head, "It's not that I don't trust you," I try to justify as I watch him get the apple pie ready so effortlessly. "I just want to learn how to cook more by myself," I shrug watching him put the pie in the oven. "I mean before Zac and I ended things all I could cook was Spaghetti and mom's Meatloaf. Zac and I mainly ate out because he couldn't really cook either."

"Yeah I remember Zac saying once all he could cook was frozen corn dogs," Taylor chimes in laughing more. "I am surprised you and him survived so long on take out and spaghetti and meatloaf," he sighs sounding so offended at our food choices. "Maybe I should teach you how to cook so Bree doesn't grow up on take out all the time when she is with you."

I chew on my lip when he mentions teaching me how to cook, "Maybe you should," I nod as I sit on one of his counters watching as he starts to fix a few more things. I've never taken the time to watch him cook before but it is really attractive. Something about the look on his face when he is so wrapped up in preparing the food. The way he licks his lips. I almost wish he were licking parts of me like that.

Taylor must feel me staring because he turns to give me a look after he gets some of the food on the stove. "Something the matter Avery?" he asks as he walks over to where I am sitting on the counter.

"No," I lie shaking my head. "Everything is good," I smile hoping he believes my words. I really don't want to tell him that I got turned on watching him cook. That my panties may or may not be wet because of him.

Taylor smirks leaning into me, "It's okay if you got flustered watching me cook. You wouldn't be the first person," he whispers when he moves his lips just inches from mine. I really have to resist the urge to kiss him. I am mad and upset with him for numerous reasons. He isn't going to get in my pants right now.

I raise my eyes curiously, "Who else has gotten flustered watching you cook?"

Taylor winks at me before moving his lips onto mine, kissing me like I knew he was intending to do when he moved so close to me. Closing my eyes I give into weakness and kiss him back.

I'm not sure how long we kiss but I know it gets interrupted by a knock on the door which causes Taylor to pull away with a pout. When he moves away from me I move off the counter and follow behind him watching as he opens to the door to reveal a pretty blonde standing there. She looks like she could have walked off the cover of some magazine.

"Sorry I'm late," the blonde smiles pushing her way in past Taylor, "Sam couldn't keep his hands off me this morning. You know his penchant for morning sex always makes us late for everything," she laughs before her eyes finally land on me and her laughs stop, a blush creeping up on her cheeks.

Taylor just stands there dumbfounded, "I..I didn't know you and Sam were coming Sadie," he smiles though I can tell it's a fake one. When he sees Sadie looking at me he blushes, "Sadie, this is Avery my sister. Avery this is Sadie, Sam's girlfriend."

Sadie makes a face, "You have another sibling?" she asks like she is so confused. "I thought it was just you and Sam," she whispers but it's low enough that I can hear her. "I mean that's all you guys have ever made it out to be these last few months that I have finally met you."

"We do have another sibling," Taylor nods and I stand there confused. Sam is our..no. He can't be. I mean I may have decided Taylor lied to me but that doesn't mean I wanted to be right. "Where is Sam?" Taylor asks Sadie urgently, his eyes darting to me like he doesn't want me to see Sam if he is here.

Sadie rolls her eyes, "You know that bastard. Always has to run some errands before making it somewhere. He should be getting here soon. Said something about having to give a present to the mother of his child. I honestly don't see why he cares for her. I mean from what he has said she ripped his heart out when she left him."

Walking away from Sadie I feel my blood start to boil. Grabbing an umbrella that is hanging on Taylor's coat rack I go outside. I am going to wait for Sam. I am going to wait for him and kill him when I see him. His death will be by this umbrella.

Slamming the door shut I stand on the porch swinging the umbrella back and forth. When I hear a car pull in the driveway I glare seeing that familiar blue truck parked in the driveway. I can't see the driver but they obviously can see me.

Sam is being a fucking coward it seems because he isn't getting out of his truck. He is staying in it. If he wants to be like this then fine I will go to him. I will murder him in his truck.

Walking off the porch I stop when I get close enough to see who the driver is. I stop in my tracks when I see Zac's face staring back at me from behind the truck. His face I'm sure mirrors mine, one of shock. He hadn't expected me to be here seeing Taylor and I sure as hell hadn't actually thought I was right in assuming he was alive. In assuming that Taylor had lied.

When the door of the truck opens I watch as Zac gets out, his hair in a fucking bun and looking very much not dead. Keeping the umbrella in my hand I hold it tighter as I charge towards him, "Bastard," I spit out when I reach him.

I go to raise the umbrella but before it comes down he reaches up to grab it, "Avery," he tells me so calmly that it makes me shiver. "Don't do this," he frowns taking the umbrella from me.

Reaching out with my hands I push him. I push him so hard he stumbles back a bit. "You aren't dead," I choke out before the tears that I hadn't even known where there come spilling out. "You aren't dead."

Zac moves forward once I start crying, his fingers reaching up to brush away the tears I was crying, "I'm sorry," he whispers softly. It's almost too soft that I don't hear it. "I know I have some explaining to do," he sighs before resting his forehead against mine.

Closing my eyes when his forehead rest against mine I sigh, "You have a lot of explaining to do Zachary Walker Hanson," I mutter out using his full name on him.

"Sam," Sadie's voice calls from the front porch making Zac pull away from. "What the hell is going on?" she asks sounding as confused as I feel.

Opening my eyes I watch as Junia comes running of the house behind Sadie thanks to the open door, "Daddy," she yells happy to see Zac obviously. "Daddy you made it to spend Christmas with me and mommy," she grins when she reaches where Zac and I are. Her arms are lifted and I know she is expecting him to pick her up.

Zac returns her grin before bending down and picking her up, "I did make it here to spend Christmas with you and mommy," he nods though I can see through his lie. He hadn't expected us to be here just like Taylor hadn't expected him or Sadie to show up.

Looking at Zac I shake my head, not even sure if this is real or if I am dreaming. But seeing him alive and holding Junia on Christmas of all days, the very day that we finally made it official in 2009. It sure seems surreal.

"We should head inside," I tell him keeping my voice calm. "Taylor should have lunch ready soon. I'm sure you also need to explain to your girlfriend why your child's mother is also your sister," I smirk before turning and heading inside. The moment I pass by Sadie I feel her staring at me with shock. Yeah, she can join the shocked club today.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
A few hours later I chew on my lip as I sit beside Zac in his truck. Lunch has long been finished and Taylor has taken Bree and Junia upstairs to occupy them while Zac talks to me. Sadie who I think is still shocked or confused or both hasn't put down the wine and I'm sure she is still in the kitchen drinking whatever wine Taylor has left to offer her.

"How are you still alive?" I ask Zac finally breaking the silence that has come over us the moment we got in the truck. "Why are you still alive?"

Zac laughs at my last question. It's bitter sounding so I know he doesn't take it well. "Would you rather me be dead Avery?"

Laughing myself I run a hand through my hair, "To be honest, yeah I would," I admit not feeling ashamed. "Because it would mean you hadn't lied to me or everyone else who loved you. That you and Taylor weren't assholes," I spit out feeling my anger start to sit in.

"I lied because no one wanted me Avery," Zac counters his words coming out equally as harsh. "Kate was divorcing me, the woman who ruined everything I loved to have me was leaving me and she was going to take my kids, one of which wasn't even hers. You, you had moved on too, I mean you made that apparent when you fucked Taylor and had me catch you. No one wanted me so I decided to give everyone what they wanted. A life without me."

Listening to him try to explain himself I feel myself getting more angry as he goes on, "I wanted you Zac," I tell him. "I wanted you. I only used Taylor to make you think I had moved on. I was just trying to abide by Kate's orders and leave because if I didn't she would have turned us in," I spit out feeling pissed now that I know that was a lie too. "I never stopped loving you though."

Zac laughs again at that, "If you never stopped loving me, then please explain how the hell you have a child with Taylor and why you are married to Carrick?" he whispers as he reaches for my hand with the wedding band on it. "The ring looks horrible on you by the way," he states before slipping it off my finger roughly. "It's cheap as hell," he says almost disgusted.

I'm about to reach over and take the ring from him but before I can he rolls down the window, throwing it out into the driveway. I guess he is showing me what he thinks of my marriage to Carrick.

Glaring I cross my arms, "I have a kid with Taylor because he comforted me at the cabin. We were both grieving your death," I start but then stop when I realize Taylor had nothing to grieve. He knew Zac wasn't dead. He had always known it seemed. "Or he was pretending to grieve your death," I frown feeling like a fool for the times at the cabin, even if I did get Bree out of those.

"Carrick, it was because he was there for me. He never judged me or at least he acted like he didn't. He helped me get Junia back," I smile knowing at least Carrick had done a few good things for me even if he had fucked me over in the end.

Zac goes silent at reasons for what he asked, "And you fucking Taylor since being back?" he asks as he leans in whispering that into my ear. "Did you think he wouldn't tell me about that? Why do you think I punched him?"

Shivering I close my eyes, "Because I'm a grown woman," I answer him my eyes opening. "I could do as pleased because I thought you were dead," I shrug my head turning to face him. "I kissed him today too for your information. Right before your blonde girlfriend showed up."

Watching Zac glare sends a shiver down my spine. "You wanna use your mouth for pissing me off?" he asks me so harshly. "How about using it for what it's good for," he smirks before I hear him unzip his pants. When I look down I see him bringing his hard cock out of the hole in his jeans were just moments ago his zipper had been.

I look back into his eyes knowing he is serious with his words and I also know I can't say no to him. I can't fucking tell him no even when I am mad at him.

Licking my lips I bend my head down, taking his cock in my mouth which gets me a few moans and his hand buried in my hair.

"Avery," Zac grunts out as I move my mouth on him slowly. "Fuck suck me harder," he whimpers but even then I know he isn't asking me, he is telling me so I do it.

While I am working him over with my mouth I hear my phone ring from the pocket of my pants. I know from the ringtone that it's Carrick.

Feeling Zac's hand move from my hair I soon feel it in my pocket. When he pulls the phone free I know he is going to answer it but I'm scared of what he will say.

"Carrick," Zac speaks into the receiver once he has hit talk. "Y..you want to talk to Avery?" he moans out as I slow my mouth down on his cock deliberately. "Well I hate to tell you but her mouth is being used for other purposes right now. I'm sure once she removes it from my dick she can call you back," he finishes speaking.

I hear him hit end and then I speed up my movements with my mouth again, my tongue gently brushing across his skin some. I hope he knows just because I am sucking his dick that he isn't off the hook. This is just me finally giving him what I was going to give him the night he brought me home from the bar.

Swallowing him when he comes, I move my head away a smirk playing in my lips now as he adjusts himself, "I hope you enjoyed that because I'm done with you," I tell him honestly. "You lied to me and I'm not sure I can get past that," I frown before getting out of his truck. "Enjoy your new life with Sadie as Sam."


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "I missed you," he tells me not even waiting for me to let him in.

Live In My Memory Chapter Eleven

The days after Christmas seem to run in a blur. I don't see Zac for several days especially while I have Taylor and my father help me move my things into the apartment that Zac had leased for me. Once everything is settled though I am sure I will hear from him again.

 

That's why when someone knocks on my door two days before New Years I'm certain it's him but when I open it to find Carrick I raise an eyebrow but move out of the way so he can come in.

 

"I umm I filed for divorce," Carrick states handing me some papers. "And I'm also suing for custody of Brennan," he tells me so cold that I almost feel like a stranger is standing in front of me. "I know Taylor is suing too for a DNA test and also for custody but I'm willing to fight him as well, especially since I'm legally Brennan's father. Do you think a judge will really give you Brennan once he knows that she is Taylor's? That you had sex with your own brother?"

 

Standing there in shock I lay the papers down on the counter, "Do you think you will win custody once they know you aren't her father Carrick?" I ask him feeling angry. "Do you think any judge will give you Bree once they know you have no ties to her biologically? I mean I could always bring up your adultery Carrick. In some courts that would make you an unfit parent."

 

Carrick laughs softly, "Do you really wanna play dirty Ave?" he asks me as he glares. "Cause I can bring up the fact that you have cheated since you have been here. I can bring up you fucking both of your brothers again," he smirks like a cherisher cat. "Face it, you and Taylor are both going to lose Brennan," he tells me before turning on his heels and leaving, slamming the door behind him.

 

After he slams the door Bree starts crying from her nursery and I glare at the door as if it's Carrick. If looks could kill Carrick would have been dead had he been that door right now.

 

Going into the nursery I pick Bree up from her crib, rocking her on my hip, "I'm sorry Carrick woke you up," I tell her as I kiss her cheek softly hearing her calm but not enough. I know if she keeps crying she is going to wake Junia up from her nap and that's the last thing I want.

 

"Come on how about mama fixes you a bottle?" I ask Bree as I walk into the kitchen with her on my hip. "You want a bottle?" I ask making a face at her. My making a face gets her to giggle slightly while I get the stuff to make her bottle for her.

 

While I am making it she starts to cry again and I frown. Before I can get the bottle finished another knock comes on the door and I roll my eyes, taking Bree with me to go and get it. Opening the door I glare when I come face to face with Zac, "I thought I told you to have a nice life with Sadie. I thought you'd get the hint I never wanted to see you again."

 

Zac rolls his eyes, "I missed you," he tells me not even waiting for me to let him in. He just pushes his way inside. "You need help?" he asks taking Bree from me and making funny faces to her which just makes her giggle.

 

I glare more but shut the door behind me, "I could use you entertaining her while I fix her bottle," I concede before walking to the kitchen again. "And you may have missed me but you brought that on yourself," I tell him knowing it's his fault I don't want anything to do with him. "You lied to me and made me believe you were dead."

 

I feel Zac following behind me but he says nothing coherent. Instead he just babbles to Bree who keeps giggling at what he says. It sort of reminded me of when Taylor did that the day he found out Bree was his. Maybe Zac and Taylor are more alike than I'd like to admit.

 

Finishing the bottle I turn around to hand it to Zac but stop when I see him sitting in a chair with Bree. Both of them engaged in some kind of babble conversation that no one but them can understand. "I should have got to see you like this with Junia," I sigh as I hand the bottle to him and watch as he takes it, feeding Bree for me. "We should have raised her together."

 

"We could be raising her now," Zac chimes in locking eyes with me. "We could be raising her now along with Bree. I'd take Bree on as my stepdaughter. Hell we could also make another baby too and maybe get a boy this time," he laughs but not once does he look away from me. "I ended things with Sadie. I told her everything. She wanted to try being together still but I couldn't do it. Not when I still love you."

 

Shaking my head I break our eye contact, "It's not that simple as you loving me Zac. You may love me but you still lied. You hurt me and made me grieve for you. I can't just forget that and be with you like nothing changed. Like everything is fine because it isn't fine."

 

Zac frowns and I see him open his mouth and start to say something but he is stopped when we both hear little feet coming down the hallway. Junia is up from her nap now. There will be no more argument over what Zac has done or why I can't just forgive him.

 

"Daddy," Junia says excitedly when she walks into the kitchen. I watch her walk over to Zac and Bree a frown coming on her face when she sees her daddy can't pick her up now. "Why you holding Bree for? She's not your little girl?"

 

"I'm holding her because your mommy asked me too," Zac tells Junia as he moves Bree on his other leg. "You can get up here too baby girl," he says patting his free leg now.

 

I can't help but laugh when I watch Junia hesitantly climb up but glare at Bree once she has. It seems she doesn't like the idea of sharing Zac with someone else, well besides Shepherd though she claims Shepherd shares him with her.

 

"Can mommy take Bree now?" Junia asks looking at me frowning some. "I don't want you holding her daddy," she pouts, crossing her arms.

 

Laughing more I go over to take Bree from Zac, "Is that better?" I ask Junia who just grins as she moves into the other leg as well.

 

Junia nods her head, "I don't like sharing my daddy like I share my mommy," she tells me so matter of fact.

 

Sitting down at the table I just eye Zac remembering what he said about us trying for another baby if I took him back. "What if mommy and daddy have another baby?" I ask curiously wondering what she will say to that.

 

Junia goes silent for a while as if she is contemplating her answer then she shakes her head no, "No," she speaks turning to wrap her arms around Zac's neck. "No baby. I wanna be daddy's baby."

 

Zac laughs now, holding Junia to him, "You will always be my baby regardless of me having another one," he smiles rubbing her back softly.

 

I can't help but smile as well. I know Zac may have lied about his death which is keeping me from going back to him but I could never, would never deny him the right to see Junia who doesn't seem to be affected by Zac's lie and his suddenly coming back.

 

Zac puts Junia down after a while telling her to run off and play in her room. She obeys him leaving us in the kitchen with Bree who seems to have dozed off in my arms. "Would you have another baby with me?" Zac asks as he looks at me again. "I mean you asked Junia that question."

 

I shrug, "I can't think of having another baby. Not when Carrick is threatening to take Brennan away from me now too."

 

"Carrick is what?" Zac asks through clenched teeth.

 

"He came by today to give me divorce papers along with telling me he is taking me to court for custody of Brennan. He knows that Taylor is trying to get custody too as well as proving that he is her daddy but I guess Carrick is going to try to fight that."

 

Zac glares before standing from the chair, "I'll fucking take care of him," he mutters leaving the kitchen without saying another word to me. When I hear the front door slam shut I jump slightly in my chair.

 

Standing from the chair eventually I go and put Bree down in her crib again before deciding to clean up some. It's about dinner time when I have another knock on my door which I go to answer. Finding Taylor there I roll my eyes, "What is this the universe trying to kill me?" I ask ignoring his confused face.

 

"Zac told me to come be with you right now," Taylor shrugs before pushing his way past me. "Apparently he thinks we're both going to need alibis."

 

I look at him confused now, "Alibi's for what?" I ask him after I shut the door.

 

Taylor shrugs almost as confused as I am, "He didn't say. He just said for me to come be with you and the kids. To give you an alibi and me as well."

 

Nodding I hear a timer going off, "Well in that case you better stay for dinner. I hope you don't mind boxed lasagna for dinner."

 

Hearing Taylor laughing but not complaining I walk into the kitchen and get the lasagna out of the oven. I'm glad Taylor unlike Carrick doesn't complain about my boxed food even if he doesn't like the idea of it. Even if it's not homemade cooking like he would make.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "I took care of Carrick," Zac tells me when he pushes his way inside.

Live In My Memory Chapter Twelve

Waking up that night to a loud knocking on the door, I groan moving my arm up and making a face when I hit someone's body. Opening my eyes I take in the surroundings, realizing that I must have fallen asleep on the couch with Taylor of all people.

After dinner he had decided to stay even longer and when he had wanted to watch some movie on tv I hadn't protested. I let him stay and somehow I guess he had joined me in laying down on the couch or maybe we had wound up this way in our sleep.

Hearing the knock again I get off the couch glad that I didn't trip over Taylor's sleeping form. Why did he have to get near the end for though?

Making it to the door, I open it to see a very bloody Zac looking back at me.

"I took care of Carrick," Zac tells me when he pushes his way inside. "I took care of him and he won't be bothering you anymore."

Eying Zac I feel an awful feeling grow in the pit of my stomach, "What do you mean you took care of him?" I ask not even sure I want the answer to that. With the blood on his face and hands, I'm sure I can make my own guesses what happened.

Zac doesn't answer me though he sees Taylor still asleep on the couch and I see his eyes flash with a jealousy I hadn't known he was capable of. I'm afraid he may do to Taylor whatever the hell he did to Carrick.

"I killed him," Zac finally does answer. "I killed the piece of shit. One bullet to the brain and a few stabs just for fun."

Feeling my mouth drop open I want to get sick. I want to go and hurl but I don't. I'm frozen in my spot. "His body?" I ask him afraid that they will pin this murder on him somehow. But how can you pin a murder on a dead man? Zac is legally declared dead.

"Let's just say the fish are probably having a really good meal," Zac smiles answering my question on what he did with the body. The smile just sends shivers down my spine. How can he be so cold? How could he just kill Carrick like that?

Shaking my head I finally move from where I am standing. Heading into the kitchen I open the fridge and get out a coke. I don't have beer here so I am going to drown my fear and worries in caffeine. Lots of it.

Looking at Zac when he follows me I make a face, "Clean yourself up," I tell him harshly after taking a long drink. "What if Junia wakes up and sees you like that? What are you going to tell her?"

Zac just sighs but he turns away and I hear his footsteps lead to the bathroom. After he is gone I break down crying as I take drinks of the coke in my hand. My hand is shaking and so are my legs. It's a wonder I can even stand up on my own right now.

Carrick may have been bothering me but I didn't want him dead. I didn't want Zac to kill him. I'm sure we could have worked things out without Zac having to kill him.

Putting down my half empty coke can I walk towards the bathroom wanting answers from Zac. I need to know what could make him do such a thing. What could make him put a gun to Carrick's head. When I open the door to the bathroom though, I stop in my tracks when instead of finding Zac undressing for a shower or even in the shower, I find him sitting on the toilet getting himself off.

I know I should walk away after catching him like this but the moment he looks up at me I just shut the door behind me, my cheeks feeling flushed as my body gets turned on from watching him pleasure himself. I know why he is doing it and that part makes me sick but the other part of me, the part that is ruling my vagina finds it hot.

"I..I should go," I speak up coming to my senses. Reaching for the doorknob I look at Zac who is still looking at me. His hand working faster and faster. I can tell from his breathing and the way his eyes roll into the back of his head that he is so close to coming.

My suspicions are confirmed correct when he moans out my name seconds later. The moment he says my name I swallow hard still unable to turn the doorknob and open the door.

Zac cleans off his stomach where it seems most of his come went, then he stands up, coming over to me and moving my hand from the doorknob. "Stay," he whispers before leaning down to kiss me on the lips.

Kissing him back I can taste blood in my mouth and I really hate knowing where it came from but I don't pull away, "Taylor," I protest into his mouth tasting even more blood in my own now.

"He is sleeping like a log," Zac smirks when he pulls away from the kiss. "I want to take a shower with you Avery. I want to be with you," he tells me before kissing me again, this time much rougher than the last.

I kiss him again but I don't say no. Not when he pushes me against the wall, his hands trailing under my shirt or when he removes my shirt his lips trailing down my neck. I'm not sure if this makes me a bad person. Being with the man who has just killed my husband.

"Zac," I whimper out as he undoes my bra, letting it fall off before his mouth takes up residence there. "I thought you wanted to take a shower," I smirk when he teases my nipple with his tongue. If I have to compare his breast sucking to Taylor, he wins hands down.

Zac pulls his mouth away which causes me to whimper more, "I'm just getting you worked up for that shower baby," he smiles that damn crooked smile and I get the same butterflies I did as a teenager. As the girl who fell in love with him. Every time I am with Zac I am that same fifteen year old girl again.

This time I initiate the kiss and I grab for his hands putting them on the waistband of my jeans. He must take the hint of what I want because he undoes them and pulls them down in a hurry along with my underwear. Once they are gone his hand finds its way between my legs and I'm moaning into his mouth as he rubs me down there.

"Damn baby," Zac mutters into my mouth. "I like knowing that I can get you this wet with a few simple kisses and teases," he smirks when he pulls away again. "I like knowing I can still get you turned on," he tells me as he slides a finger inside of me, moving it slow. Too slow for my liking.

Closing my eyes I moan out, my hips moving involuntarily. "Stop teasing me," I sigh when he adds a second finger, keeping it slow as well.

"But I like it," Zac reasons not even stopping his teasing with his fingers. He keeps them slow too slow and before I know it they are both gone.

When I open my eyes I watch Zac walking away from me. He is going to the shower which he starts and I can't help but let my eyes linger on his ass. It may not be as big as Taylor's but I still like it. Hell who am I kidding? I love it, especially when it's naked and staring at me.

Zac turns to look at me after he gets the water started, "I felt your eyes on my ass," he smirked again before walking over to me. "You know," he says as he reaches for one of my hands and puts it on his ass, "you can touch it whenever you like. It is after all your ass to touch. Just yours and no one else's," he whispers as he kisses me again briefly.

I laugh but grab his ass quickly, "Maybe all I want is a quick touch right now," I wink before stepping in the shower. It's funny how he has the ability to make me forget that I am mad at him. That I was fuming mad at him. How can he turn me from mad to horny in a matter of seconds?

"Bitch," Zac spits out though it isn't meant to be rude. I can tell from the way he sticks his tongue out once he has joined me in the shower.

Reaching for a wash cloth I put some soap on it then reach up to clean the blood on his face. I'm washing away the physical evidence on him that he has killed my husband. That he has murdered someone in cold blood. "Why?" I ask wanting to get that out before we get sexual again. "Why kill him?"

Zac frowns when I ask why. Watching as he chews on his lip I see a pain in his eyes I don't think I have noticed before. "Because he kept hurting you," he tells me as he takes the wash cloth from my hand and washes my face off. It had never occurred to me that our kissing would lead to me having blood on me. Yeah I had tasted it in my mouth but I hadn't known it was still on me. "He kept hurting you and I don't want my soul mate hurt."

At his words I frown as well and soon kiss him again. I know him doing it for me is wrong still but how can I stay mad at Zac? How can I ever stay mad at him when I love him and he loves me? His love for me may be on the verge of something crazy but he loves me.

When he kisses me back I bit down on his bottom lip when he pushes me up against the wall. The wall is cold but his body heat makes up for that tenfold.

I can't help but moan out, especially when his cock which is hard again intrudes into my body, "Zac," I whine out into his mouth. I'm not upset that he is inside of me. I just wish he were being gentle but he isn't. He is being rough and hard much like Taylor is every time I have been with him since the shower sex at the cabin.

"Problem Avery?" Zac asks into the kiss before moving his lips down to my neck which he kisses and sucks on until I am sure he leaves a mark. His old one was gone so now he wants to leave a new one. To show people that I am his, only his, but I'm still not sure I am. How can I still just take him back when I am mad at him for lying and now also killing Carrick.

I shake my head but speak no words, instead I let my nails dig into his back. I close my eyes trying to forget everything about Zac that I am mad with. I try to enjoy this moment with him and I succeed long enough to reach my orgasm which makes my toes curl. I haven't had an orgasm like that in so long.

Feeling Zac shudder against me and then his head resting on my shoulder I open my eyes and look down at him, holding him closer. He looks like a lost child. Such a lost child and I want to help him but I'm not sure I can just like right now I'm not sure he can help me forgive him and get past the hurt.

"I..you need to go," I mutter pushing him away from me before I step out of the shower and reach for a towel, slipping it around myself. "I don't want you here when the kids wake up."

Leaving the bathroom I hear Zac following behind me and if I thought he was going to protest my throwing him out he doesn't, instead he leaves like I ask him too. He leaves without even saying goodbye to me. Rolling my eyes I sit down in the chair opposite where Taylor is still sleeping on the couch.

"I heard him," Taylor speaks making me jump. I thought he had been asleep the whole time. "I know he killed Carrick," he sighs as he sits up, his blue eyes landing on me. "I don't want him around Bree. He isn't in the right frame of mind right now."

Staying silent at Taylor's words I frown not sure what I am supposed to do now. Taylor doesn't want Zac around Bree and honestly I don't blame him but I'm not sure Zac will stay away from me. I'm not sure I can stay away from him no matter how mad at him I am.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "How did you get these?" I ask finally able to form a complete sentence.

Live In My Memory Chapter Thirteen

Days seem to pass quickly after Zac kills Carrick. So quickly that I wonder if I am living my life in fast forward. I haven't seen Zac since the night nor have I seen Taylor either which I think is weird because he has usually tried to see Bree every day or every other day.

"I wonder where your daddy is?" I ask Bree as I sit with her on the couch. Junia is over at my parents so for now it's just Bree and I. "I think I miss seeing your daddy so much," I reason feeling confused by that. I'm not supposed to miss seeing Taylor. I don't love Taylor even if I have found myself kissing him and having sex with him.

I mean I'm just used to seeing him that has to be the case. I have to just have been used to seeing him. I don't need another complication in my life. I really don't want another complication in my life.

"How about we go visit daddy," I smile at Bree before standing from the couch. Putting her on my hip I walk to her nursery to go and change her out of her pajamas and into something else. Something more suitable for a cold January day.

I'm not sure how Taylor will feel about an impromptu visit but then again it wouldn't have come to this if he hadn't stopped coming by lately. I wouldn't have to be surprising him like this just so he could see his daughter..our daughter. This visit was strictly for Brennan and not because of my own desires to see Taylor.

Picking Bree up once I have her changed, I leave the nursery and soon my apartment once I gather everything I will need. Putting Bree in my car I stand up and shut the door, nearly jumping when I come face to face with Sade when I turn around. I hadn't seen her since Christmas and I'm not even sure how the hell she knows where I live.

Sadie eyes me and I feel myself blush, "I followed Zac here the other day," she finally speaks obviously able to sense my confusion. "I just came to tell you that you aren't the only other person he has fucked that he is related too," she starts before looking down and pausing as if to contemplate her words.

I roll my eyes and walk to the driver's side of my car, "And just who else has he fucked?" I ask her wanting to laugh. Before she knew about me all she had known about sibling wise was Taylor. The thought of Zac and Taylor even having sex just makes me want to laugh. I mean obviously they both have a penchant for incest but I don't think either would have a penchant for sex with other men. Especially not after Zac caught Taylor and I before he faked his death.

"Taylor," Sadie answers me which makes me roll my eyes again. "I have pictures to back that claim up," she informs me and I turn, watching as she opens her purse to hand me three pictures.

Against my better judgement I take the pictures feeling sick as I look at the first one. It is Taylor going down on Zac. Switching to the second I feel even worse when I see Zac fucking Taylor from behind his hands firmly pulling on Taylor's hair. In the third I just have to look away as I am faced with Taylor now fucking Zac.

"H...how..." I start unsure of what I want to ask. How can I even form words right now? I have been kept in the dark yet again about something by Taylor and Zac. "How did you get these?" I ask finally able to form a complete sentence.

Sadie shrugs a smirk playing on her perfect lips, "I had Zac followed," she nods. "I thought he was cheating on me so I had him followed and I got these pictures. I found it kind of hot he'd fuck his brother," she smirked more. "Just like I find it hot he fucked his sister."

Shaking my head I open the door to my car and get in. "You are a sick fuck," I tell Sadie before throwing the pictures in the empty passenger seat and slamming the door. Now I have even more of a reason to go to see Taylor. Now I can confront him about something..or a lot of things. All of his fucking lies which I have let him get away with.

Arriving at Taylor's house in record time I park my car and get out, quickly getting Bree as well before going walking onto the porch where I knock loud and furious. I want him to know this is important.

When he answers the door after what seems like forever to me I glare at him, moving Bree up on my hip. "You fucked Zac," I snap pushing my way inside the house. "You fucked Zac while he was supposed to be dead."

Taylor shuts the door, walking over to me. "Good morning to you as well Avie," he mutters as he takes Bree from my arms before I can even protest. "And I didn't fuck Zac," he lies to me with a damn straight face. How can he use a straight face to lie? Hell how can he even lie?

"I have proof," I admit taking Bree back from him. "And I didn't say you could hold her," I snap again knowing that it's a petty thing to get mad over but I am just going to be childish right now. "Sadie has pictures," I reveal shaking my head. "She showed up as I was leaving to come and see you. She showed me the pictures of him doing you from behind."

At my words Taylor sighs before taking Bree back, "Zac didn't tell me she had pictures," he says his words letting me know that he did indeed have sex with Zac. "And she's my daughter too Avery, I can hold her any time I want without asking you," he reasons turning his back to me as he heads towards the living room.

"Well she does, they are in my car," I tell him as I follow him towards the living room. "W..why did you sleep with him?" I ask feeling scared of the answer he will give me.

Taylor sits down on the couch, holding Bree in his lap, "I slept with him because things just happen sometimes Avery. H..he had came over one night when Natalie and the kids were out in Georgia visiting her brother. I was cooking and one thing lead to another. I guess he like you gets turned on when watching me cook."

I can't help but blush at Taylor's explanation, "But that wasn't the last time was it?" I ask before sitting down beside him on the couch a smile on my face as I watch Bree trying to kiss Taylor's cheek.

"No it wasn't," Taylor frowns as he holds Bree closer to him. "After that we started into a three month affair that ended a week before you came back home Avery."

Swallowing at his revelation I close my eyes, "You two were having an affair that lasted three month? What stopped it?" I ask curiously wondering why I keep asking questions. I mean it was curiosity that killed the cat. I am afraid if I keep going I will get killed from shock.

"I stopped it because I knew it wasn't right. Neither of us loved each other he was just lonely and missing you and I was just lonely period," he shrugs as if him being lonely is something that shouldn't be new but to me it is. How can he be so lonely when he has Natalie and the kids here? How can he be so lonely when he has so much?

"And Zac was okay with you stopping it?" I ask one more question deciding it will be my last one.

Taylor smiles as he locks eyes with me, "Of course he was okay with it Avery. He knew my reasons for ending it and he agreed with them."

I nod going silent. I am trying my best to digest everything that Taylor has told me but I am not sure I can digest it all in one day or even one month.

"So how come you were coming to see me?" Taylor asks breaking the silence with a question of his own.

"Bree missed you," I shrug not wanting to reveal that I too had missed him. "She got used to seeing you around almost every day and she missed you."

Taylor gives me a cocky smirk as he shakes his head, "Bree missed me huh?" he asks before looking down at Bree who has seemingly fallen asleep in his arms. "Did she tell you that in her baby talk?" he asks looking up at me again still smirking. "Or did you really miss me and decide to blame it on our daughter?"

Glaring at his obvious flirting I move away from him some, "I didn't miss you," I lie shaking my head.

"I missed you," Taylor whispers his voice going low and making me feel aroused. "N..Natalie is back in town though she is staying at her mom's. I was busy with her and the kids this week."

Hearing Natalie is back in town I can't help but feel guilty at getting aroused just a few minutes ago by Taylor. I know it's wrong to even want Taylor again. He is still married to Natalie and I know how well my last affair with one of my married brothers turned out, not to mention I am scared of what Zac would do if he finds out we had sex again.

"Is Natalie still pissed about Bree?" I ask him as he stands up from the couch.

"Of course she is," Taylor rolls his eyes as he looks down at me. "I'm going to go put her in the nursery upstairs," he nods. "I'll be back soon."

I nod my head briefly watching as he walks away. Once he is gone I chew my lip sitting back against the couch. I'm not sure what is wrong with me lately, why Taylor is having the ability to turn me on, why I miss him when he isn't around. Zac is back and I'm supposed to be wanting to jump back into his arms even if I like making him grovel and beg at my feet. I'm not supposed to be second guessing if maybe going or taking Zac back is wrong.

Standing from the couch I decide to go upstairs where I find Taylor still in the nursery watching Bree sleep. "She looks so much like you when she is asleep," I smile as I go to stand beside him.

"I think she looks like you," Taylor says as he moves closer to me. "Beautiful," he mutters before leaning over and kissing my cheek softly.

Closing my eyes briefly I swallow hard. "I missed you too," I tell him as I turn my head to look at him. I feel myself getting butterflies at how close his face still is to mine.

Taylor just nods his head as he inches his face closer to mine and before I can even have a chance to back away his lips are on mine. The kiss is much different than anyone we have shared before. It's slow and almost loving. Slowly I find myself responding, my body turning as I do so I can wrap my arms around his neck. I want to feel as much of him as I can right now.

The moment I have my arms around him Taylor's tongue finds it's way into my mouth though maybe I willingly let it in there I don't know. I also don't know how we seemingly find our way out of the nursery and into his bedroom without once breaking the kiss. It's like magic almost or really good fucking luck, especially for Taylor who is the clutz of the family.

Kissing him back I am brought back to the reality of things though the moment my back hits the bed. Pulling away I look up at him, "Zac," I mutter before biting my lip.

"Won't find out," Taylor tells me as he looks down into my eyes. "He won't find out."

I shake my head at his words, "I love him," I say trying to convince myself that my love for Zac should be enough to stop me from having sex with Taylor.

Taylor looks like he is pained by my words but he doesn't say anything about them that would show it, instead he just shakes his head. "I know you do," he whispers before kissing me again.

Closing my eyes I kiss him back again, letting my hands slide under the shirt he has on. My doing so causes him to shiver and moan. I like knowing that I can make him moan like that, that I can make him turned on.

Deepening the kiss I let my hips move up into his a smirk crossing my lips when I feel his erection through his jeans. "Did I do that?" I ask into his mouth, flipping us over so I am on top. I want to be on top this time. I want to be the one in control of things. I want to dominate Taylor.

"Of course you did that," Taylor answers back as he pulls away from the kiss and pulls my top over my head. Once it's off I reach behind me, unclasping my bra soon letting it go to the floor with my shirt.

"I want this," I tell Taylor before kissing him again and it's the truth. I do want this even if I love Zac. I want to be here right now having sex with Taylor.

Taylor smirks on my lips as he kisses me more, his hands going towards my breast which causes me to moan. I keep moaning as he finds one of my nipples and starts to play with it, getting me wetter than I already was. "Fuck," I groan out as my hips move down into his. "Fucking hell."

Moving away from the kiss I reach down undoing the buttons on his shirt, pushing it off him once it is unbuttoned. I can't help but smile when I see he has shaved his chest. "I like," I tell him as I run my hands down his bare chest, my lips soon moving down to kiss the places my hands had just been.

"Ave," Taylor moans out pushing his hips up as my kisses keep getting closer to the waistband of his jeans.

Smirking I pull away right as I reach them, "Now...what should I do with these?" I ask as I let my finger run across the waistband of his jeans, chewing on my lip as if I really have to think about the answer to that question. When Taylor glares at me I just laugh before unzipping his pants, sliding them off of him along with his boxers.

I reach for his hands after that wanting him to finish undressing me which he does. He does it quicker that Zac ever has which makes me laugh again before I lean down to kiss him. "I'm in control now," I say to him as I hover over his cock which just makes him whimper. "I chose how fast or slow we go."

Taylor nods his head and I hope that is his way of agreeing with me. If not then oh well. "Yes master," he whimpers out playfully.

"I am your master," I agree as I slowly slide down on him a moan finding it's way out as he fills me up. It's been almost a month since he was last inside of me and I swear he feels much better than the last time.

Before I can start moving on him though I hear the bedroom door burst open and hands grabbing my hair roughly. I can't help but panic even though I am almost sure I know who it is.

"Keep your hands off of my woman," Zac's voice sounds from behind me as his grip on my hair tightens. "Mine," he snarls before turning me around and leading me out of the room. "I can't believe that fucking bastard," he continues talking as he walks me down the hall towards the guest bedroom. "Trying to fuck you when he knows I'd be back. He was the one who offered to let me stay in the guest bedroom after I left the motel I had been staying at."

When we reach the guest bedroom I jump some as Zac slams the door obviously with his foot because the hand in my hair doesn't move and I can see from the corner of my eyes his other hand going down out of my sight and soon coming back up.

Turning my head slightly I freeze when I see that in his other hand he is now holding a gun which he is pointing right at my head.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Just..examine them really closely," he nods as he locks eyes with me.

Live In My Memory Chapter Fourteen

Swallowing hard as I look at the gun I feel Zac let go of my hair. I am making no effort to move, scared that if I do he is going to use the gun on me. I'm afraid that Zac is going to kill me like he killed Carrick.

"Get on the damn bed Avery," Zac speaks smacking my ass hard which makes me jump.

Nodding I slowly make my way to the bed and sit down on it, locking eyes with Zac who is still holding the gun. "Are you going to kill me?" I finally ask as my voice gives away just how scared I am that Zac is mad enough to end my life. He may love me but it's apparent that something has changed in him during his time away and it scares the shit out of me.

Zac laughs at that question making his way to the bed where he bends down, putting the gun right at the temple of my forehead. "Are you afraid I will?" he asks his voice harsh and his eyes turning the blackest I have ever seen them look. "You afraid I will put a bullet into that precious head of yours?" he asks as his free hand goes in between my legs roughly and his index finger dips into my wetness causing me to moan out loudly.

"Y..yes," I mutter out biting down on my lip as his finger starts to move inside me making me squirm.

Zac just smirks before pressing the gun harder against my head, "I'd never kill you baby," he whispers seductively as he adds a second finger inside of me harshly which causes my eyes to squeeze shut. "I love you too much to kill you."

"Then why are you holding a gun on me?" I ask him as I try my darnedest not to moan as his fingers continue their assault on me. It feels too good though after already being turned on anyway.

"Because I want to have a little fun with it," Zac says to me and I open my eyes looking back at him. "I want to fuck you senseless while holding you at gunpoint," he smirks almost looking like an evil villain from one of those killer movies that teens watch.

I can't help but feel my eyes widen at his words, "You could accidentally hit the trigger," I say trying to think of a reason this is a bad idea.

Zac adds a third finger inside of me and I soon hear a click on the gun, "The safety is on," he whispers obviously trying to reassure me. "Though I have had sex with the safety off before," he mutters before moving his fingers out of me and moving them up to his mouth where he licks them clean. That act is so fucking hot.

"Fine," I mutter knowing I have lost mind or I am just damn horny and want Zac to fuck me senseless.

After I give consent I feel Zac push me back on the bed, laying the gun down long enough for him to undress quickly and lay over me, his lips going to my neck as he slides inside of me. It's after he is inside of me that he grabs the gun again and puts it back to my temple.

"Y..you forgot a condom," I tell him in between moans as he starts to thrust in and out of me hard and fast. It feels amazing so amazing that I don't really want him to pull out to put a condom on.

Zac nips my neck at that comment, "I want a baby with you Avery," he mutters on my skin. "We can give Junia a brother or sister," he groans as his movements get harder inside of me, the gun going closer to my temple. It's bad but I am starting to get a thrill of it. "Don't you want to have my babies?" he asks as his lips go up to my ear.

I go silent after what he whispers. I know Zac I told him I couldn't think of having another baby when Carrick was threatening to take Bree away but now Carrick is dead. "I....not yet," I whisper as my nails dig into his back. Bree is only seven months old. I do want to wait until she is at least two before having another child.

"I can pull out," Zac says as his breathing gets hard. "Put a condom on."

Shaking my head no I dig my nails farther into his back. I don't want him pulling out now, not when I already feel so close to my orgasm.

"Thought so," he whispers as he moves even faster the bed moving now with his movements. I can't help but pray that Taylor doesn't hear it and come in here. I really don't want him to interrupt sex for me the second time today. I would like to get off once.

Closing my eyes when my orgasm hits I feel my nails break the skin of Zac's back as I moan out his name over and over again, shivering when I feel him soon cum inside of me not long after, his finger hitting the trigger on accident which makes me jump as I hear it.

Zac just moves off me a small smile on his lips, "I just wanted to see your reaction," he tells me between breaths as he lays beside me.

I glare before sitting up in the bed, "You are a crazy asshole," I spit out feeling angry at him. Standing up I quickly grab the sheet off the bed.

"But it wasn't on," Zac sighs as he too stands up and wraps his arms around me right as the door opens and Taylor steps in the room, freezing at the sight in front of him.

Taylor looks down clearly not wanting to see Zac and I, "I..I just came in here to tell Avery that Bree is awake. I think she may be hungry."

I nod and move away from Zac, "Her bottle is in the diaper bag that I left in the car. I'll go get it after I get my clothes on," I sigh knowing my clothes are in his room. Turning back for a minute I reach for the gun on the bed, seeing Zac is looking away from me. He is bent over to grab his clothing and Taylor is looking at his ass with furrowed eyebrows, almost as if Zac is missing something back there.

Dismissing that thought I leave the room, going down the hallway to Taylor's where I put my clothes on in a hurry before going down the stairs and out to my car to get Bree's bottle.

Once I have the bottle in my hand I come back inside, going to the nursery where Bree is in fact awake and sitting up. Picking her up I offer her the bottle which she takes happily, resting her head on my shoulder. Holding her closer I swallow hard. I know Taylor is right not wanting Zac around her. Zac is slowly losing his mind it seems. What he did with the gun today proves that.

"What is mommy going to do baby girl?" I ask her as I sit down in the rocking chair. "How am I going to tell Zac that I can't be with him because I fear for the safety of my kids," I frown also including Junia. She may be his child but I also fear for her safety as well. I thought he loved me enough not to harm me but I know if that gun hadn't had the safety on that I could be dead right now. Zac could have killed me.

Shaking my head I hold Bree on my hip as I leave the room watching as Zac all but runs past me to get downstairs. Not long after he has past me I look at Taylor who has now also came out of the guest room. "What the hell was that about?" I ask before I hear the front door slam shut.

Taylor shakes his head before stepping closer to me, "We just had a disagreement," he frowns looking confused. "Do you still have those pictures Sadie gave you?" he asks me his voice going hushed as if he expects Zac to hear him from outside.

"Yes," I answer back my voice equally as low as his was. "Why?"

"Just..examine them really closely," he nods as he locks eyes with me. "Examine them really closely and really well," he adds on before passing me, going downstairs as well. "And I think it would be best if for the time being you let Bree and Junia both stay at mom and dad's especially since Zac has a key to your house."

Following him down the stairs I shake my head, "He has a key to their house too," I tell him once I reach the bottom. "I mean that's how he had sex with me one time. He snuck in their house and blindfolded me. I thought it was you but it wasn't."

Taylor stops in his tracks, "Trust me Ave their house is safe," he said clearly looking like he meant his words.

"Fine," I nod. "So you know Zac is losing it as well?" I ask as I walk towards the front door knowing I should go. I might as well take Bree to our parents where Junia already is.

"Something like that," Taylor says though he is hesitant to say anymore. "Just be careful okay. Check in with me every day and look at those pictures."

I nod again unsure of what else to say. Sighing I leave his house and go to my car, putting Bree in her car seat. Once she is buckled in I get in and drive away. I can't help but feel confused at Taylor's something like that comment or his instance that I examine the pictures closer. Then again when am I not confused by Taylor in some way.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "It has to be this way Avery," he whispers as he leans close to my face.

Live In My Memory Chapter Fifteen

Waking with a jolt in my bed, I look around the room as I hear a banging on the door. A loud incessant banging that I am sure wants to be answered. Begrudgingly I stand getting out of the bed not caring that I am still in my pajamas or that my hair is thrown into a now messy bun.

"I'm coming," I yell as I make it out into the living room, the knocking finally stopping after I yell. Reaching the door I throw it open giving Taylor a look as he raises his hand about to knock again.

Taylor just blushes before pushing his way in. "Have you seen Kate?" he asks concern dripping out of his voice. "She and Natalie are both missing," he informs me which makes me slam my door shut behind him.

"But you said yesterday you had seen her," I say shaking my head, not understand how they can be missing.

Taylor nods, "I had but today they both dropped the kids off at moms. Said something about how you had called them to talk about some things from the past," he continues sounding confused.

"I didn't call them," I tell him as I go to the couch and sit down. "Did they mention what things from the past?" I ask confused by that comment.

Taylor goes silent as he starts to pace back and forth in my living room, "I'd reckon the day they made you leave after giving birth to Junia."

I feel my eyes widen at Taylor's words, "You knew Natalie played a part in that?" I ask feeling just a bit hurt that he had known but not said anything.

"Natalie came by last night and confessed everything. Said she wanted us to try to start new with no secrets. Z..Zac was upstairs," he adds as if finally realizing something. "Shit," he mutters as he stops pacing back and forth. "He heard us, heard her."

I close my eyes knowing why Taylor is worried now. Zac had killed Carrick because he had threatened me. Now Kate and Natalie were missing after Natalie confessed her part in my leaving after the birth of Junia. "Y..you don't think Zac took them do you?" I ask feeling hesitant because of his answer. I know it's going to be a yes.

Taylor nods his head yes as he sits down next to me, "I don't even think Zac is Zac," he says looking right at me.

"What do you mean by that?" I mutter in confusion not understanding how Zac isn't Zac. Of course Zac is Zac.

Taylor runs a hand through his hair before looking away from me. "Where are the pics that Sadie gave you?" he asks as he finally speaks. "I told you to look them over but obviously you haven't done that yet otherwise you would know what I mean. Otherwise you wouldn't still be so naive to the changes in Zac's attitude lately."

Glaring when he calls me naive I stand from the couch, walking towards my bedroom where I had hidden the pictures in the top drawer. I can feel Taylor walking behind me but I don't say anything to him. Instead I let him follow me. Opening the drawer once I am in the bedroom I get out the pictures and hand them over to Taylor. "Show me whatever it is that would make me less naive oh wise one," I snap off a little harsh.

I cross my arms as Taylor flips through the pictures finally finding one and holding it out to where I can see it. "Do you see that tattoo on Zac's ass?" he asks which makes me rip the picture from his hands to examine it closer, my heart stopping as I can plainly indeed see a tattoo on his ass. A cross with mine, his and Junia's initials in it.

"B...but Zac doesn't have that," I speak knowing that I haven't seen that on him since he has been with me since being back.

Before Taylor can respond back to me with both hear a loud knock on the bedroom door making me drop the picture to the ground. There standing in my bedroom doorway is Zac holding a gun right at us.

"You know," Zac speaks as he inches farther into the room. "You really shouldn't have showed that too her Taylor," he sneers as he grabs me suddenly, holding the gun to my head much like he did during sex, though this time I don't feel safe or turned on. "Because now I am going to have to kill her."

Taylor shakes his head as he steps closer which causes Zac to move back, his arm on me tightening. "Not so fast or I put a bullet in her precious head," he snaps. "I didn't want to do that until you two met our other party guests. You see I brought them here because I was hoping Avery would do me the honors of killing them though I didn't expect you to be here Taylor. I killed one before we got here but that was because she wouldn't stop running her damn mouth when I told her to shut the fuck up."

Swallowing when he said he had already killed one of them I turn my head slowly, "W..who did you kill?" I ask as my voice cracks.

"Well I can assure old blue eyes over there it wasn't his wife," Zac answers me and I can see a look of relief washing over Taylor's face. "But poor Shepherd...my...oldest child's mother is no longer with us anymore. Her body is now in my truck bed covered by a blanket. She took a bullet right in the middle of her eyes. Much easier death than Carrick's."

I feel tears going down my cheek as Zac talks about all of this. The way he sounds almost gleeful at killing Kate. The way he sounds gleeful at Carrick's death. This isn't the man I love. There is no way he is really Zac.

"Who are your other two guests?" Taylor asks Zac as he steps closer to him which again causes Zac to move back with me. "You said you had two? If you killed Kate that just leaves you Natalie."

Zac nods as he backs away some more until we are in the hallway. "Well come and see for yourself Taylor," he mutters moving his hand with the gun away from my head long enough to motion Taylor out of the room.

Taylor takes his cue, exiting my room and heading down the hallway, a hallway which Zac soon leads me down, gun still held to my head. When we make it to the living room I stop in my tracks staring at the two people in blindfolds on my couch. One is Natalie but the other...the other is Zac as well.

Tensing up I turn my head slightly, "Y..you aren't Zac," I tell him watching as he moves away from me finally and goes over to Natalie and Zac.

"You are right Avie baby," Zac mocks as he takes the blindfold off of the man on my couch. "This here is your precious Zac," he smiles before kissing his cheek. "I am Sam."

Swallowing hard at his revelation I lock eyes with Zac as he sits on the couch clearly looking terrified. Terrified and afraid. I can't blame him because I too am terrified and afraid.

"Sam?" I ask the guy who is standing with the gun. "Your name has always been Sam? You're the guy I left with at the bar?" I ask feeling nauseas as I think about it. "The guy who beat Carrick up and bought this place? The guy who had sex with me while I was blindfolded?"

Sam shakes his head no to my questions, "I was at the bar that night," he smiles as he undoes Natalie's blindfold as well. "But I wasn't the one you left with. You see your precious Zac was there too. He is the one who punched me when I tried to leave with you. He is the one who brought you home. I followed him and then kidnapped him when he left. The blindfold sex wasn't me either," he mutters. "That again was your precious Zac," Sam smiles as he pulls Zac up from the couch undoing his hands and handing him the gun.

"As for Carrick...I didn't punch him. Zac did that after he found out he was cheating on you. Though I did kill him..I killed him after setting him up for the letters I was sending you about Bree's paternity," Sam laughs as if he has won some kind of prize. "I never expected all my plans to come together so well," he smirks as he walks away from Zac after handing him the gun.

Looking at Zac who now holds the gun I turn to Sam, "You don't want me to kill your last guests do you?" I ask as I shake my head. "You want Zac to kill everyone."

Sam just nods as he steps closer to me, "It has to be this way Avery," he whispers as he leans close to my face. "So that I can have him all to myself."

Nodding at Sam's words I move away from him turning to look at Zac. "You know what you have to do," I tell him as I watch Taylor go over to Natalie who he puts his arms around. Natalie is hysterical and Taylor looks close to being the same way. "I'd die for love and Sam loves you," I tell Zac resigned to my fate. "I'd die for love so kill me. Kill me so you can be with Sam," I smile seeing a pained expression cross Zac's face.

Feeling my heart beat faster as Zac raises the gun I nod slowly before seeing his finger go to the trigger. Closing my eyes I count to three before ducking seconds before the gun does fire. Opening my eyes after counting to three again I watch as Sam lands beside me on the floor a bullet hole now in his head. A bullet hole that probably matches the ones he gave Kate and Carrick.

Ignoring the tears now going down my cheek I stand up slowly watching as Zac drops the gun to the floor before coming over to me. Backing away from him I shake my head.

"Let me see your ass first," I spit out wanting to make sure this time that I am really talking to Zac and that Sam hasn't conned his way into living. "I want to see your tattoo," I nod expecting him to drop his pants in front of Natalie and Taylor as well. Hell it's not like Taylor hasn't seen his ass before either. As for Natalie she is already emotionally damaged from Sam, I really don't think seeing Zac's ass could make it worse.

Zac just gives me a look before complying. Undoing his jeans and dropping his boxers just far enough to show the tattoo that he had in the pictures with Taylor.

"You can put your pants back on," I say feeling relief too that Sam is the dead one on the floor. Walking over to Taylor and Natalie I stand Natalie up, undoing her hands. "We need to call the cops," I whisper feeling as if everything is falling apart. How could I have been so duped by Sam? How could I have let Sam have sex with me? How could I let him around my kids?

"We have to tell them everything Sam has done," I finally breakdown as I fall to the floor. "How he killed Carrick, made him seem so guilty. How he had sex with me when I thought he was Zac," I creak out as I feel arms go around me. Turning my head I look at Zac sadly not able to finish the rest of my words. Instead I just continue to cry as Zac pulls me closer.

I can hear Zac talking to Taylor giving him orders but I don't register them. I don't register anything anymore right now. I think I am too much of a wreck to do that.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Don't fucking touch me," I spit out, watching as he moves his hand away a look of hurt flashing in his eyes.

Live In My Memory Chapter Sixteen

Several hours after Sam is dead I run a hand through my hair as I sit in a police interrogation room. I'm not sure of how many questions I have been asked or even just how long I have been here but I know it feels like years almost. I'm getting sick of it really. I just want to go home...no not home as the apartment reminds me of Sam now and all he has done. I just want to go somewhere and rest.

Finally when the police officers let me know I am free to go I stand from the chair, leaving the room in a hurry. Spotting Taylor and Natalie standing by the doors I run to Taylor throwing my arms around him, not even caring that his wife is standing there or even caring when I finally notice Zac there too.

In the end I am not sure I can fully trust Zac right now or have him touch me. He looks too much like the face that is now haunting me. He looks too much like Sam. Sam manipulated me..he made me think he was Zac. He had sex with me and that thought makes me sick. He had sex with me twice unprotected. He used me and because of him I don't want to even touch Zac right now because just looking at him reminds me.

"I want to go home," I whisper to Taylor when I feel his arms go around me. "Please just take me home."

Taylor pulls away nodding his head, "I'll take you and Zac both back to the apartment," he volunteers as he turns away from me slightly but I shake my head no at his words. I don't want to go back to the apartment and I don't want to be with Zac alone.

"No," I speak up making Taylor turn to face me again. "I don't want to go back to the apartment. Sam ruined that place for me," I frown feeling tears in my eyes. "And I really just don't want to be alone with Zac right now. Not when all I see is Sam's face."

Natalie then takes it upon herself to speak, "Then what do you suggest my husband does Avery?" she asks her voice coming off angry. I get her being angry I really do but surely after everything she isn't going to be angry with me. "If he takes you anywhere else he knows I'm gone. I told him when I came back that I would only be with him if he promised to get custody of Bree and get you out of our lives," she reveals making me feel again like I have been punched in the gut for the second time in twenty-four hours.

I knew Taylor had filed for custody but I just figured he would drop it. I had no clue that now Natalie wanted that, that Natalie wanted me out of Bree's life much like Kate had once wanted me out of Junia's life.

Shaking my head the tears I had felt in my eyes earlier are soon going down my cheek. I don't mean to cry but it just happens. I can't control how I feel at the moment and I hate that. I hate not having control of my emotions. "Y..you want to steal my daughter from me?" I ask through tears as I back away from everyone some.

As I back away Zac goes to put his hand on my arm but I pull it away from him, "Don't fucking touch me," I spit out, watching as he moves his hand away a look of hurt flashing in his eyes.

Taylor swallows and this time he reaches out for me, pulling me close, "We'll talk about this when I take you to my house," he says as he eyes Natalie the whole time.

"If she goes to our house I am going to my mom's indefinitely," Natalie tells him her voice sounding serious like she wants Taylor to know she means what she says.

"Then go to your mom's," Zac answers instead of Taylor. "Go to your fucking mom's like the bitch you are. Can't you see she needs Taylor right now," he reasons as he raises his voice at her which surprises me. "She needs him," he yells before going outside, obviously leaving both Natalie and I stunned though Taylor looks the least bit stunned by what happened. By Zac's admission that I need Taylor right now.

Just looking down I follow behind Zac feeling Natalie and Taylor following behind me as well. When we make it Taylor's car, the car we are all going to have to ride in I sigh. I almost wish the police weren't still holding Zac's truck for evidence but they are because that is were Sam put Kate's dead body and also Carrick's after he killed Carrick.

Going to the back once I hear Taylor unlock his door's I get in and buckle up turning to see Zac get in on the other side. "I'm sorry," I tell him trying to apologize for how I acted when he tried to touch me earlier. I can hear Taylor and Natalie now talking under hushed breathes too as Taylor drives towards Pam's house. "I'm sorry for telling you not to touch me."

Zac shakes his head as he stays looking away from me which hurts some. "I get it," he says as chews his lip briefly. "S..Sam he raped me multiple times Avery. He raped me months before he even kidnapped me. I know what it's like to hate my face," he admits his voice harsh and bitter. "You hate me now because of him and I understand that."

"I don't hate you," I frown before unbuckling and moving closer to him. "I don't hate you," I repeat before putting my head on his shoulder. "I could never hate you but I don't feel comfortable with you. I just remember everything Sam did when I look at you. How he used me."

To that Zac doesn't say anything though he does turn his head. Watching as his face inches closer to mine I hold my breath when he kisses me, but eventually I kiss him back. I kiss him and let my hand go to rest on his cheek. It's when I feel the car come to a stop that I pull away, watching as Natalie gets out of the car, heading inside of her mom's house.

It isn't long after Natalie leaves the car that Taylor pulls out of Pam's driveway. "Do you want me to take you to Ave's apartment or somewhere else?" Taylor asks Zac which makes me look at him curiously.

Zac sighs, "Take me to mom and dad's," he says looking as if he is nervous and maybe in a way he is nervous. He does have to face them after faking his death. "I..I need to see them and my kids. I have to tell Shepherd about his mother," he frowns which makes me frown. I may not have gotten along with Kate but I never wanted her dead. I never wanted my nephew to lose his mother. Hell I never wanted Junia to lose the woman she had spent her first two years of life with.

Taylor just nods and continues driving, staying silent after that. Maybe it's best Taylor is silent because I'm not sure what can be said right now between any of the three of us.

When Taylor arrives at our parents I watch as Zac gets out of the car and Taylor pulls away again, this time heading to his house. I don't say anything the entire ride there or even when we both get out. Though I do speak once we are inside, "Can I use your bath tub? I want to take a shower," I smile or try too.

"Of course," Taylor nods as he looks me over. "You know where everything is right?"

Laughing I nod, "You've lived here for years. I think I should remember," I tell him before turning and heading into the bathroom. Getting there I shut the door and undress before bending over and starting the water after the stopper is in. While the tub fills up I find the bubble bath Natalie keeps on hand and pour some in. I don't normally take bubble baths but I just need to relax right now. I need to try to forget everything that has happened.

Once I was satisfied with how high the water had gotten I turned off the faucet and stepped in, letting myself relax some once I had sat down. As I close my eyes I can hear the door open and close which makes me open them again to find Taylor walking to the edge of the tub.

"You doing okay?" Taylor asks me as he bends down. "I mean at the police station, the way you went off on Zac when he tried to touch you. How you clung to me when you hugged me."

Swallowing at his words I shake my head, "I'm not sure I will be okay for awhile," I frown being honest with Taylor. "Every time I look at Zac all I see is Sam and Sam used me. He had sex with me twice..twice when I thought he was Zac. I just feel so disgusted and dirty and ashamed that I didn't know the difference. I'm also mad that I don't feel safe with Zac anymore because of Sam."

Taylor frowns at my words, going silent for what seems like forever, "I'm sorry Sam did that to you," he finally speaks his voice sounding sincere. "He also raped Zac too though you know," he says calling what Sam did to me rape. "It was before Zac and I. I feel like that was one of the reasons Zac was with me sexually. I helped him forget things. I helped him forget what happened."

I smile sadly at his words, "Hugging you helped me forget," I inform him, locking eyes with him. "But being with you always makes me forget the bad things," I confess coming to a realization that scares the shit out of me. I am still very much in love with Zac but it seems Taylor has also worked his way into my heart. I am in love with Taylor.

"I love you," I whisper out so soft that I am not sure he hears me but when I see his face change just the least bit I know he did hear my words. "I love you too," I smile again sadly as I remember him telling me he loved me the day Carrick and I left for Oklahoma City. He had said he loved me but not enough to leave his family. "I love you Taylor."

Taylor looks away after I say it a third time. His face looking as if he thinks I don't mean what I say but I do. I mean every word that is coming out of my mouth. I love Taylor...no he isn't Zac but I love him. He gives me things that Zac can't just like Zac gives me things Taylor can't.

"You're just saying that because of what's happened," Taylor finally breaks his silence as he looks at me again his blue eyes showing hints of weariness. "You don't love me not when you love Zac."

"But I do love you," I counter before shaking my head. "I love you even with loving Zac. I love you and that's why I need you right now. Why I noticed you first at the police station. It's because I love you."

At my words Taylor stands up pacing the bathroom floor, "I'm married to Natalie," he tells me as if that should change things. "You heard her tonight. She wants us to have custody of Bree and you to be gone from my life."

I nod acknowledging that I had heard Natalie. "Do you love Natalie?" I ask him which gets him to stop pacing finally as he looks at me. His face already giving me my answer but I want to hear him say the words. "Do you love your wife?" I ask him again rewording the question.

Taylor shakes his head no, "I haven't been in love with her for awhile. I don't love her but I do love my family..my kids. If I leave her she'll take them from me."

"Fight here then Taylor. Fight her and take her to court like you would have done me," I tell him before smiling for real this time. "If you aren't happy with her then leave her and fight her for the kids if she threatens to take them."

Taylor finally cracks a smile as he looks down at me, "You are going to ruin my life Avery," he mutters as he bends down beside the tub again. "You are going to ruin everything."

I shrug before reaching out and grabbing his shirt collar, "But you'll every minute of it," I smile before pulling him into a kiss. The kiss is different then the one I shared with Zac earlier. This kiss is full of much more want and need as if we are both searching for something, while the kiss I had shared with Zac was more tender because we had both already found what we needed, we just have to find a way to get back to it.

When Taylor pulls away from the kiss eventually I frown playfully but soon smirk as I watch him undress quickly and soon slip into the tub so that he is facing me. Almost effortlessly I move towards him, letting my legs rest against his hip as I hover over his hard cock. I knew what was going to happen and I knew neither of us could fight it. We were going to betray Zac by making love but then again I am sure our kiss had already done that.

Locking eyes with Taylor I bite my lip when I move down on him a moan coming from his mouth which just makes me smirk. Leaning in I kiss him again before trying to find a pace as I began to move on him, feeling him eventually matching me.

"Fuck," I groan out when his nails graze into my hips. "Fucking hell," I mutter as I kiss him harder my eyes falling closed. Taylor's movements along with mine are driving me crazy as is the concept of how forbidden this is but damn it, it feels good and it's helping me forget. Helping me feel safe.

At the thought of safety I think of Zac then trying not to feel guilty because of this. Hell maybe he knew this would happen. It happened between him and Taylor when he was broken so maybe he knew when he told Natalie off that I would fuck Taylor too since I am broken. Though I doubt he expected me to realize I was in love with Taylor.

Biting down on Taylor's lip I moan out his name when my orgasm hits and I can feel also feel him reach his peak around the same time. Pulling away from the kiss I just look at Taylor as I chew on my own lip now.

"I love you," I say speaking again before resting my forehead on his shoulder where I leave light kisses. I know right now I can sit here and pretend things aren't complicated but they are. Zac is back...and I am having issues with him, though I still love him. I will always love him, but I also now realize I love Taylor too...I love Taylor and he is the one who can help me while Zac can't.

I am so fucking screwed and I can't help but feel in the end that someone is going to get hurt...maybe even me.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "You okay Ave?" Taylor asks and I turn my head to look at him.

Live In My Memory Chapter Seventeen

I knew I couldn't ignore things forever nor could I stay with Taylor forever, no matter how appealing that sounded to me. So after three days of being at his house I agree when he asks if I want to go to our parents. I know from his late night phone calls when he thinks I am asleep that Zac is staying there with the kids. His kids and also Bree. Zac is good man for all that he must be going through right now and still watching the kids..one of whom he has never even met.

When we arrive at my parents house I can't help but feel nervous. I am almost afraid that Zac will know just from looking at me that I have been having sex with Taylor every day I have been with him. I am scared he will know and hate me. I don't want Zac to hate me. He can't hate me.

"You okay Ave?" Taylor asks and I turn my head to look at him. That question sure is a loaded one.

Shrugging I chew my lip, "What if he knows?" I ask before looking away from Taylor, my cheeks getting hot. "What if he takes one look at me and knows I have been having sex with you?" I ask laughing some trying to ease the tension I feel.

Taylor laughs at that too but his laugh seems more genuine than mine. Almost like he knows Zac won't be mad at me. Like he knows something I don't know. "I am sure he won't notice just from looking at you Ave," he tells me before he gets out of the car. "Now come on beautiful. We have kids to see and parents to drive use crazy with questions about Sam."

At his mention of our parents asking us questions I take a deep breath and get out of the car following Taylor onto the porch. He doesn't even have to knock. The moment he gets his hand raised to do so our mom is throwing the door open, ushering us both inside before shutting the door behind us once we are in the house.

"Avery," mom speaks as she looks at me. "Zac is upstairs and you are free to join him. Right now I need to scold your brother for helping Zac fake his death," she speaks as she crosses her arms which makes me giggle softly but I nod, quickly leaving the room to head upstairs to find Zac.

Getting upstairs I hear talking coming from the playroom so I head there, smiling when I see Zac playing with Shepherd and Junia. Bree is in the playpen in the corner and it looks like she is sleeping peacefully. I really swear that kid could sleep through anything which has to be something she gets from Taylor. Not from me because I wake at the drop of a dime.

Junia looks up from playing with Zac a smile crossing her face when she notices me. "Mommy," she yells excitedly as she runs over to me and I bend down to pick her up, kissing her cheek softly. "Daddy was teaching Shepherd and I how to build castles with Lego's," she grins as she points to where Zac and Shepherd are still building away. "They wouldn't let me put my barbie in the castle so she could be queen," she whispers so only I can hear.

"That's not nice of them," I tell her as I walk over to where Zac and Shepherd are. Bending down I put Junia back on the ground and smile at Zac when he turns to look at me. "I should ground you for not letting your daughter put her barbie in the castle so her barbie could be queen."

Zac just laughs at me shaking his head, "It was Shepherd's idea not to let her."

"Oh yes, just blame the kid," I reply sarcastically before sticking my tongue out at him. "You are so cruel to blame things on him like that."

Shepherd looks up at me shrugging, "Not the first time," he smiles and I wonder if he knows just how much he looks like Zac when he does that. "Mommy used to get onto him all the time for that," he frowns when he mentions Kate which breaks my heart.

Looking at Zac I see him frowning too so I reach out and put my hand on his cheek giving him a smile. I want him to know things will be okay. They have to be now. Kate may be dead but he is here and Shepherd has him. Shepherd has me and he also has Taylor. Maybe we can all three be there for him.

"Can we talk?" I ask Zac as I move my hand off his cheek. "Alone," I imply as I stand up. When Zac stands up too I exit the playroom, going down to the guest room that I had slept in when I first came here in December. A room that from the looks of it Zac has been occupying for the last three days.

Once we make it to the room I shut the door behind us, "H..how is Shep taking Kate's death?" I ask feeling horrible that he has to even go through losing another parent though this time for real.

Zac shrugs, "As good as can be expected. He misses her god does he miss her but he's adjusting. It's Kate's mom I am worried about," he sighs as he sits down on the bed. "She got into town last night. She is already talking about taking Shepherd back to Georgia with her."

"Can she do that?" I ask him before sitting down beside him. "Just take him back to Georgia with her?"

"No," Zac states as he shakes his head. "I'm alive still and my rights are still in place. She could take me to court but unlike Kate she would never do it."

Nodding I reach over and take his hand having to remind myself that he isn't Sam. That he isn't going to hurt me. "I'm sorry for what he did to Kate and to you..I mean him raping you," I frown before squeezing his hand softly. In the past three days Taylor has confessed everything he knew about the first time Sam raped Zac and how Zac turned to him. How Zac needed him too like I need him now.

Zac smiles some before lifting my hand and kissing it softly, "I am trying to get over it," he tells me and I believe him because he sounds sincere. "I am trying to stop dreaming about the torture he inflicted upon me when he had me tied up. Forget the images of him killing Kate and Carrick both in front of me."

At the mention of Sam killing Carrick in front of him I feel a lump form in my throat, "D..did he go easy?" I ask wanting to know he didn't suffer. I feel so responsible for his death. If I had kept my mouth shut on him trying to get custody of Bree he could still be alive.

Zac shakes his head no and I decide not to press for more details. I can tell from the pain in his eyes that I probably don't want to know. I just want to remember Carrick in the happier times I shared with him. I want to remember happy Carrick the Carrick I fell in love with.

"I am sorry," I say again before leaning in to kiss Zac on the lips softly. I am sorry for all he has been through because as much as Sam has hurt me he hurt Zac a lot more. He hurt Zac way more than he did me. I can not even comprehend how Zac is still sane right now. How he doesn't need Taylor again.

Zac kisses me back, dropping my hand as he lets both of his hands go to my cheeks as he deepens the kiss. It's when he deepens the kiss that I moan out into his mouth. I just kissed him a few days ago but I have missed the feel of his lips on mine, so different than Taylor's. Rougher and more chapped.

When we both away to breath I blush as I look into his eyes. All I see looking back at me is a man in need. A man who needs me. "I...we..." I start but am interrupted by the door opening. Turning my head I freeze like a deer in headlights when I see Taylor standing in the doorway looking at us as if he has just walked in on something he shouldn't have. I try to ignore the look of hurt apparent in his eyes.

"Get in the damn room," Zac speaks breaking the silence that had enveloped the room. "Get in the damn room and shut the door," he mutters at Taylor who nods and obeys Zac's words.

After the door is shut Zac pulls me closer to him, "I want to watch as you fuck her," he whispers before kissing my neck softly which makes me shiver. "I need to watch you fuck her Taylor."

I swallow hard feeling as if Zac has lost his mind. Wanting to watch me fuck someone else, no correction, needing to watch me fuck someone else. How can he need this? How will this make things better for him. Before I can protest though Taylor is sitting on my other side and I know I can't run. I want to run but I can't. I am trapped here on this bed between both of the men I love.

Closing my eyes when Taylor's lips kiss the other side of my neck I shiver again when I feel Zac's lips again on my neck. They are both kissing my neck. I swear they are trying to kill me. I swear they are.

Moaning I close my eyes tighter when I feel Zac's hand slide beneath the waistband of the pants I have on. His hand slowly rubs me through the cotton material of my panties which only gets me wetter than what I was before.

"She's wet for you," Zac mutters on my skin as he rubs me harder. "She is wet for you Taylor," he repeats before moving his hand out of my pants and I feel him move from the bed. Now would be the good time to run but I am too turned on to do it. I am too turned on therefore I will give Zac what he wants. The chance to see Taylor fuck me.

Opening my eyes when Taylor moves his mouth away from my neck I turn my head and let my lips go to his own, kissing him as if my life depended on it. Kissing him as if this is what I need and maybe I do need to be fucked by Taylor just like Zac needs to watch me fuck him.

Feeling Taylor lay back on the bed I lay over him, kissing him harder as my hands travel up his shirt. I pull away long enough to remove it and my own shirt but then I kiss him again. It's during this kiss that I feel him reach his hands behind me to undo my bra which quickly falls off effortlessly and I reach between us, tossing it to the floor with our shirts.

I swear as we continue to kiss and I reach down undoing Taylor's jeans that I also hear Zac undoing his own jeans. Is he actually going to get off to me fucking Taylor? I mean I know if I admit it those pictures of him and Taylor did get me hot but they shouldn't have..I shouldn't be turned on at the thought of the...though then again I also shouldn't even be fucking either of them but I am and I have.

Sliding Taylor's jeans off I bit down on his lip as he quickly sheds me of my own remaining clothing. Straddling him I pull away from the kiss and smirk, "Tell me how you want it," I say as I turn my head from him briefly looking over to see Zac standing in a corner of the room jerking off at the scene in front of him.

Smirking more I look back at Taylor who responds that he wants it hard and fast. Leaning down to kiss him again I slide down on his cock a moan coming out as I do so. I only stay still on him for a few minutes but then I start to move, riding him as if he is the best damn cock I have had.

He isn't though, the guy in the corner jerking off is but Taylor never has to know that he is second best to Zac. Hell I am sure I'm not the best Taylor has had either so it really shouldn't matter.

Closing my eyes as I ride Taylor faster I become faintly aware of Zac's foot steps getting closer to us and when I feel his body on top of me I close my eyes tighter, letting my hands rest on Taylor's chest as Zac slides inside of me a little to harsh for the entrance he is using.

"Fuck," I grunt out breaking away from the kiss. "Fuck this feels good," I speak as Zac starts to move on me. The movement from him is making me move on Taylor as well and I smirk liking the feeling of having two dicks inside of me even if one is in the entrance that I really don't like to be used.

Before I can speak again I feel Zac turn my head and he kisses my lips which makes me smile. It's during the kiss that I let myself zone out and enjoy the rest of this experience. I let myself be fucked by both Taylor and Zac who both seem to cum inside of me at the same time. I reach my peak only after Zac sneaks his hand around and plays with my clit while Taylor keeps moving inside of me.

Collapsing on Taylor's chest after I turn my head watching as Zac lays beside Taylor and I after he moves out of me. Zac just smiles before moving closer to Taylor. "She loves you," he tells him which shocks me that he is able to tell that already. "She loves you too," he whispers before kissing Taylor on the lips and shocking me again.

I have to admit what shocks me the most by his too is that I am not sure if he means I love Taylor as well as him or if he was telling Taylor in his own way that he also loves him. When they separate from the kiss I look at the both of them before biting my lip. I know it's impossible but I almost wish we could just all be together. That I didn't have to chose one over the other.

"I love her too," Taylor speaks finally which makes me blush and look at Zac. He doesn't say anything except nod his head but I can tell from the look on his face that he is contemplating something though he never says what. Instead he just pulls me away from Taylor and over towards him.

Closing my eyes I yawn before falling asleep next to Zac with Taylor on the other side of me. Again as I drift off I wish that we could all just be together.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Taylor said as much himself," he sighs before frowning more.

Live In My Memory Chapter Eighteen

Waking hours later I frown when I find the bed empty of both of my brothers. Standing I dress quickly and fix my hair before leaving the room. Going down the hall I don't see anyone upstairs so I head downstairs where I hear people in the kitchen. Going that way I stop when I spot Zoe, Our parents and the kids all at the kitchen table eating. The only ones still missing are Zac and Taylor.

Zoe spots me first and she gives me a small smile, "Zac is outside on the porch," she tells me before looking away. I nod even though she can't see me and head for the front door. Opening it I step outside where I find Zac on the porch smoking what smells like a joint.

"When did you start smoking again?" I ask him as I sit down beside him. He just looks at me shrugging a smile on his face as he hands the joint to me. I take it from him and take a drag before handing it back. The last time I got high was with Carrick during our time in California. "Where did Taylor go?" I ask when I spot his car gone.

Zac sighs before taking another hit from his joint, "Natalie called him," he frowns which makes me frown. "S..she's in the hospital. Apparently she thinks she could be pregnant."

"But she hasn't been back long enough to get pregnant by Taylor," I mutter as I shake my head. If Natalie is pregnant then there is no way that baby is Taylor's. Taylor has to know that so why would he go running to her?

Zac nods handing me the joint again, "Taylor said as much himself," he sighs before frowning more. "But Taylor said Natalie is his wife and he has to stand by her. He wanted me to tell you that he is going to tell Natalie he is dropping the custody suit against you then he is going to talk Natalie into moving to Georgia so she isn't bothering you or me."

When I hear Zac's words I put the joint to my lips and take another drag before handing it over. The news of Taylor trying to talk Natalie into moving to Georgia makes me sad because I know deep down that means he will go with her. He is going to leave Zac and I behind to go have a life with Natalie.

"He's leaving us," I whisper as I feel a few tears go down my cheek. Tears I didn't even know wanted to come out.

Zac takes the joint from my hands, "Correction he is leaving you," he says so soft that I don't hear him.

Hearing him I look over at him confused as I remember the threesome. He seemed to love Taylor too especially towards the end and Taylor was into him. "But the threesome and I swear when you said I loved him too that was your weird way of telling Taylor you loved him."

"I do love Taylor but I'm not in love with him. Not like you are Avery," he states his voice coming out so sad. "You're in love with Taylor and I can see it. I don't want too but I can and it hurts," he whispers and it's then that I notice the tears on Zac's own face. "You don't look at me like that anymore not like you look at him. I just am trying to figure out when things changed. When you fell out of love with me and in love with him."

Going silent at his words I look away from Zac unable to answer him. I don't feel like I have fallen out of love with Zac so I don't know where he even has that idea but I am in love with Taylor. That part I can't deny. "I didn't fall out of love with you," I frown feeling more tears go down my cheek. "I still am in love with you."

Looking back at him I see him wiping his tears away as he finishes the joint. "I can see it Ave," he states as if that should be enough for him. "That light in your eyes when you look at him. The need and the want. It used to be reserved for me but now when you look at me it's not there. What's there is just a look of plain love one would have for a friend or close companion."

Shaking my head I refuse to believe Zac's words. I refuse to believe that I could possibly have fallen out of love with Zac. I think I would know if I had fallen out of love with him. I would know. Zac is just being crazy.

"I called Becky while you were asleep," Zac continues talking after my silence. "Shepherd and I are going to go to Georgia for a few weeks. Becky is having the funeral there anyway but we both think a few weeks around Kate's family may help him grieve too."

Hearing him I shaking my head again, "What about Junia and I?" I ask not liking the fact that he is going to leave us like that. Not when he just came back to us.

Zac looks down running a hand through his hair, "You guys will be fine," he says still looking down. "I'll call every night that I'm gone. Maybe my being gone will make you realize when you fell out of love with me," he whispers to me. I glare at him not understanding how he can still be saying I have fallen out of love with him. Screw how I was looking at Taylor. I know that I am in love with Zac too.

"You do that," I snap at him before standing from the porch and heading inside. Going to the guest bedroom I just lay down in the bed turning away from the wall. I stay there even when Zac comes back, his arm slipping around my waist as his lips kiss my neck softly.

Turning to face him nothing is spoken between us as I lean in to kiss him nor is anything spoken when we eventually make love to each other. It's just something that doesn't need words right now not after the words we had spoken on the porch. It's after we make love that I can I finally go to sleep curled up in his arms because I finally feel safe there again.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Several weeks have passed though now since that night on the porch and our love making. Zac did leave for Georgia with Shepherd two days after that and he has kept good on calling every day to speak to Junia and I. Besides him leaving though Taylor also talked Natalie into leaving and they left just a day after Zac. She wasn't pregnant though the night he went to the hospital. She just had a bad case of food poisoning.

"Mommy?" Junia asks as she brings me out of my thoughts. "Can we go to Aunt Jessie's now?" she asks and I look her over seeing that she has gotten dressed for her play date with Hans. He may only be a year old but Junia loves to play with him. She loves to dress him up like a girl because she knows he won't protest like Shepherd would.

I smile nodding my head as I stand up from the table where I had just finished my breakfast several minutes prior. Taking my dish to the sink I wash it off before heading down the hall where I find Bree sitting up in her crib a smile on her face. Picking her up I turn to see Junia standing at my feet. "Can you go get her bottle out of the fridge?" I ask grinning when Junia leaves the room to do so. Sometimes I am glad I have her here to help me with Bree.

Taking Bree to the changing table I lay her down long enough to get an outfit out of her closet then I turn around to change her diaper and dress her. As I pick her up once she is dressed I hear Junia come back and I hold Bree firmly on my hip as I bend down taking the bottle from Junia. Handing the bottle to Bree I smile as she takes it and puts it to her mouth. She's eight months old and has already learned how to hold her own bottle. A skill she developed this week.

Going out of the room I head back down the hall only making two stops. One to grab another bottle out of the fridge and the other to grab my keys and Bree's diaper bag. After I have all those I make my way out of the apartment and head to my car. Luckily for me Junia takes it upon herself to get into her own booster seat so all I have to do is get Bree adjusted and we are set for the road to my sister's house.

When I finally make it to my sister's house I get Junia out first watching as she runs off to the porch most likely to knock on the door though I had warned her on the way here not to do that. Once I get Bree out I walk to the porch where my suspicions of Junia knocking are confirmed by my sister standing in an open doorway.

"Sorry for her knocking," I apologize as I walk inside the house. The moment I am inside my nostrils are assaulted by the smell of sausage and eggs cooking. A smell that literally turns my stomach so much that I gag right there on the spot. After I gag I turn to face Jessica not even giving her time to talk, all I do is hand the baby over before running to the bathroom where I shut the door. I make it to the toilet right as I gag again this time losing the breakfast I had ate at my house before leaving.

I stay by the toilet until I am sure I am done and once I think I am I flush the toilet and go to the sink where I turn the water on to wash my face. It's while I am washing my face that I hear the door open and close. Looking up and into the mirror I see that Jessica has joined me in the bathroom and so has the smell of her breakfast which has me running to the toilet again.

"I would ask if you are okay but clearly I see that you aren't," Jessica laughs after I hurl for the second time that day. "I mean clearly I can tell something has made you sick."

I roll my eyes but stand up after I flush the toilet again, "No shit sherlock," I mutter sarcastically as I wash my mouth off again. "It's the damn smell of your sausage and eggs that made me sick."

Jessica nods, "I figured as much," she smiles as she comes over and pats my shoulder. "I had a strong aversion to both when I was pregnant with Hans."

"But I'm not..." I start but stop myself before the words come out of my mouth. Before I can finish that sentence I have to calculate in my head when my last period was. My math leads me to December first which would have made my next period due on or around December twenty-ninth.

Feeling my body go numb I run a hand through my hair. December twenty-ninth was a month ago..well a month and two days now. I was late which meant I was pregnant. I was never late unless I was pregnant.

"I'm pregnant," I mutter as I look at Jessica. "I'm pregnant and Bree is only eight months old," I whisper before chewing on my lip. I can at least settle my mind at ease that this baby isn't Sam's. We weren't together sexually until two days after my period had been expected. I had only hooked up with Carrick though he had had a vasectomy, Taylor who had worn a pink condom and Zac...Zac who had blindfolded me but also used a condom.

Shaking my head I sit down on the toilet after pushing the lid down, "No," I whisper as I shake my head. "All the people I had sex with during my projected window can't be the father," I speak up thinking my thoughts out loud.

"All the people?" Jessica asks and I look up to see a look of confusion cross her face. "Just how many people do you have sex with in a week's time?"

I want to laugh at her question but I can't because I don't find it funny. "Three," I answer honestly feeling dirty right now. "Three people. Carrick but he had a vasectomy. Then Taylor," I admit finally revealing to someone else in the family that I was screwing Taylor, a fact that I had been able to keep secret even with him filing for custody. "Taylor used a condom but then so did Zac when he blindfolded me and had sex with me on Junia's birthday."

At my admissions now it's Jessica's turn to go quit for awhile her face showing many different emotions. "Well," she starts and I can tell she is trying to swallow everything I have said. "Condoms always break. You need to ask Zac or Taylor if the condom was broke when they took it off," she tells me offering me a half-smile. A half-smile that I can tell she is faking.

I return it with my own fake smile because I am not sure I can even ask them that. Hell maybe I'm not even pregnant maybe stress caused me to be late though I wasn't too stressed around the time my period was due. Yeah I had, had the stalker thing where Sam was sending notes but I wasn't as stressed as I was after the Sam thing.

"I..if you want to be sure you're pregnant I have a pregnancy test under the sink. I bought a lot when we were trying before Han's. Obviously I never used them all," Jessica smiles as she turns her back to me and leaves the bathroom.

After she leaves I move off the toilet seat, retrieving a pregnancy test box from under her sink. Opening it I read the instructions and soon do as they say. Once they have all been followed I lay the stick on the sink and wait. I almost feel as if I am waiting for a death sentence when it comes to finding out if the rabbit has died or not.

Standing once the wait time is up I make my way to where the stick is and pick it up my hands shaking as I do. Staring down at the results I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad about what the test says because looking back up at me from the stick is two pink lines.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "What are you doing here? How did you find out where we lived now?"

Live In My Memory Chapter Nineteen

I wait two days after taking the pregnancy test in Jessica's bathroom to even go out to Georgia to confront both of the guys on if the condom broke. One of the reason's for the wait is because I wanted to be sure I was pregnant which meant calling the doctor I had used for both Junia and Bree. Sure enough though their own test came back positive and they had set me up for an ultrasound for next week. The doctor knew again that this baby was high risk. I had told her as much when she gave me my results. She knew that I'd have to be monitored for problems. Problems was the one downside of having babies by my brother's.

Smiling as the cab drops me off at the house Taylor and Natalie have bought I pay the driver and get out. I have decided to confront Taylor first because I really don't want to tell Zac first and then have him turn out not to be the father. That would just make his whole me falling out of love with him thing worse.

Making it onto the porch I raise my hand and knock waiting for Taylor or Natalie to answer the door. When the door is opened I sigh in relief at the fact that it's Taylor I come face to face with and not Natalie.

"Avery?" Taylor asks as he looks at me confused like he didn't expect to see me out in Georgia. "What are you doing here? How did you find out where we lived now?"

"Mom told me," I confess before looking down. "Can I come in? I really need to talk to you about some things. Some very important things."

Taylor nods moving out of my way so I go inside not seeing or hearing anyone. "The kids gone?" I ask not giving Taylor time to talk if he was going to. I am just curious where his kids and Natalie are right now. I don't want to be in the middle of telling Taylor my news and having them come home.

"Natalie has them on some field trip," Taylor shrugs as he leads the way towards the living room. "You know how she is about history and making sure they learn about it," he laughs as he sits down on the couch. Sitting down beside him I nod my head because I do know how obsessed Natalie is with history and museums and taking the kids places.

"So, what did you need to talk to me about?" he asks interrupting my thoughts and making me blush. "I swear if you are here to rim me a new one for moving away I was hoping you'd understand. I left because I want you and Zac to be happy. I left because I know with me there you'll never love Zac fully and he deserves that. You deserve to give him everything he needs. You love him and he loves you and that's how it's supposed to be."

I sit back on the couch letting Taylor ramble. I figure it's best if I do that because if I don't he'll just get pissy with me. He has always hated when people interrupt him. When he finally finishes I shake my head. "So do you think like Zac...that I fell out of love with him?" I ask deciding not to bring up my pregnancy just yet, not until he answers this.

"We had a conversation about it after the threesome," he nods as he offers me a smile. "We both seemed to agree that you didn't look at him with the look of love you had for me. That you only looked at him like he was a friend or someone you cared really deeply for not someone who you were in love with. The spark was gone."

Letting Taylor speak again I swallow as I listen to him talk. Maybe he does have a point, maybe I don't love Zac anymore but after everything he put me through with grieving him who could blame me for not loving him? Who could blame me for falling out of love with him?

"Maybe you have a point," I mutter not liking the fact that I am admitting this out loud. "Maybe I don't love Zac anymore but that's not the reason why I came here. I came here because I need to know if our condom broke when we had sex the day you found out Bree was yours. We did it so rough that it could have broke."

After I tell Taylor that I watch as his face changes to confusion as he silently tries to figure out why I am saying these things. Why I would be mentioning something that happened two months ago almost. He just shakes his head no eventually. "N..no the condom didn't break," he finally speaks sounding sure of his answer. "Why are you even bringing this up for?"

I smile slightly feeling relieved that the baby is Zac's. "I'm pregnant again. Apparently I got pregnant around that time frame and well Carrick had a vasectomy and you and Zac used condoms when you guys had sex with me.," I reveal watching his face change again this one to more of an understanding one. "I guess I know who my baby's daddy is now," I smile more as I put my hand on my still flat stomach. I am carrying Zac's child again. Zac and I are having another baby.

"Did you and Zac ever talk about having anymore kids? I mean before Junia was born," Taylor questions which surprises me. I wasn't really expecting it.

I shake my head no a frown forming on my lips. "Sam and I did once. He tried to convince me to have his baby but I guess that would have been a let down because I was already pregnant," I smile feeling thankful for that and also my not giving in to what Sam had wanted even if I had thought he was Zac then. "Zac and I never really talked much about babies except for the one we were having. I guess back then I just figured we would talk about family planning after Junebug was here but then we didn't."

When I feel Taylor's hand rub my arm comforting me I smile more swallowing a lump that had formed in my throat. "You and Zac sure never seem to have fate on your side," he whispers and I look at him knowing what he means. First my leaving then Zac faking his death and now all this shit with Sam we have been through.

"Maybe we just aren't meant to be," I say before looking away from Taylor. I hate to admit that out loud but I have already admitted I don't love him. "If we were we would be. I wouldn't have fallen out of love with him and in love with you," I state feeling shitty with myself right now.

Taylor rubs my arm more and I close my eyes feeling tears sting my eyes. I'm not sure why I am so emotional lately now. If it's because of my pregnancy or all I have been through. "I don't love Zac anymore," I whisper before moving into Taylor and crying harder. Saying those words kill me but it's the truth. I don't love him yet I am having a second baby by him. "I never thought I'd fall out of love with him."

Feeling Taylor kiss my forehead I inhale his scent as he pulls me closer. He smells like chocolate and weed today. "It happens though," he tells me and I know he is right. People fall in and out of love all the time but I just thought that Zac and I had been an epic couple. That we would last forever but it doesn't seem like we are. "You need to tell him. I mean even if he already knows you need to confirm it for him."

I nod my head as I pull away from Taylor, "I'll tell him when I tell him about the baby," I smile sadly before wiping my eyes and standing from his couch. "Which I should call a cab and do that."

"You don't need to call a cab. I can take you to where he is staying," Taylor smiles as he too stands from the couch. I don't tell him no. Instead I follow him out of the living room, watching as he grabs his keys before we go outside to his car. Getting in once the doors are unlocked I buckle up.

Once we are on the road I watch as he takes roads that I know don't lead to Becky's house. Hell it may have been a few years since I'd been in Newnan but I was certain I knew where Becky lived and these roads weren't leading there. "This isn't the way to Kate's mom's," I speak up finally not sure I believe Taylor is truly taking me to Zac. I should have taken a cab.

Taylor shakes his head, "We aren't going to Becky's," he informs as he looks over making a face. "Zac bought a house last week. He told me about it when we met for lunch yesterday. He let me follow him home so I could know where it was in case there was an emergency."

Hearing him I feel shocked by his revelation of Zac buying a house here in Newnan. I had only thought this trip was temporary but now it seems Zac had other intentions he never planned on telling me or at least he wanted to put them off. "Was he going to tell me about this?" I ask Taylor hoping that he gives me the truth.

"He planned on telling you when he went back to Tulsa to get his stuff," Taylor answers my question as he pulls into a driveway of a house that I am guessing is Zac's. "I guess he's going to have to tell you sooner than that now"

I force a smile at that and open my door, getting out of Taylor's car. "I'll see you later," I nod knowing that I am going to have to see him again. We are going to have to come up with some kind of custody arrangement for Bree, that is if I can't convince him to leave Natalie and come back to Tulsa with me.

At my words Taylor just nods and I shut the door. I wait until he has left before I turn to go onto the porch. As soon as I get there I stop when I see Zac sitting on the porch swing already. "I heard Taylor pull up," he says as he nods and pats the spot beside him for me to sit down. "What are you doing here? I mean I guess Taylor told you this was my house that I bought but I never expected you to come here to Georgia. I just figured I'd tell you when I went to get my stuff next week and then whenever I wanted Junia I'd just drive to Oklahoma."

"I'm here because I needed answers from you and Taylor. I got my answer from Taylor and it wasn't the one I needed. Now I need yours," I shrug before looking at him. "And yeah Taylor did tell me about the house being yours. I guess it makes sense you moving out here because you think I don't love you anymore."

Zac looks away at my last statement, "I don't think Ave. I know it," he speaks so soft that I almost can't hear him. "Before you ask me whatever you need for answers I just want you to tell me you don't love me."

Closing my eyes I fight back tears that want to come out again. "I..I don't love you," I finally speak the words to him feeling like my world has just crashed. How can being honest be so painful. "I fell out of love with you while you were gone. I had to learn to mourn you and move on and I did. I moved on and fell out of love with you."

Opening my eyes I look at Zac to see him crying too. I guess even though he knew it, it still hurt to hear me actually say it to him. "Thanks," he finally speaks before wiping his tears away quickly. "N..now I know I can try to move on and you can too."

I nod at the words he speaks though I am not sure moving on is going to work out well for me. Not when soon I am going to have three children. "Moving on might be a little difficult soon," I shrug as I see confusion flash on Zac's face. "I came here because I need to know if the condom you used during our blindfold sex broke. I..I'm pregnant Zac."

Zac's face pales so much that I am afraid he is going to faint. So afraid he is going to faint and I am also sure that gives me my answer. "I...we...I didn't use a condom Avery," he informs me which shocks me because I could have sworn I felt one but maybe I was wrong. "I didn't use a condom."

When he repeats his words I smile some as I put a hand on my stomach. I am having another baby with Zac and even though I don't love him I think that thought makes me happy. "We're having a baby then," I say as I lock eyes with Zac. "We're having a baby Zac."

For the first time since I showed up here at his house I see Zac smile before pulling me into a hug which I hope means he is happy about this. "I love you," he whispers into my ear. His words make me frown because they sound much more sincere than any of mine will sound if I tell him I love him. Instead I just nod my head letting him know I understand.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Your daddy has a girlfriend?"

Live In My Memory Chapter Twenty

After my talk with Zac about the baby and not being in love with him anymore it seems like time just flies by. I end up going back to Tulsa three days after that mainly because Shepherd wanted me to stay for awhile which I did for him. Now though it's June and I am six months pregnant. Six months with a baby boy. I had decided to find out like I had with my other two kids and I was glad I was having a boy finally after two girls.

As I thought of my girls I smile to myself. Bree who turned one last month is off in Georgia with her daddy. A daddy who is in the process of leaving his wife. Apparently Natalie had cheated again with the same man she thought she could have been pregnant by. That had been the final straw for Taylor who left Natalie. When he had came to get Bree last week he said he was in the process of filing for a divorce and then he'd move back here to Tulsa and find his own place big enough for his kids whenever he had them all.

Junia was the only child I had with me now for the past few days and I frown some knowing she misses having her sister around. She also misses having Shepherd close by and the one visit she has made to Georgia proved awful as she didn't understand why she couldn't just stay with daddy in Georgia like Shepherd. To say she was a daddy's girl was an understatement.

"Mommy?" Junia's voice comes through breaking my thoughts and I smile as I turn to see she has joined me on the couch. "Can we go to the lake today?" she asks me referring to the cabin my family owns. "You said we could one day while Bree was with uncle Taylor."

I nod remembering I did say that to her, "We can if you want? How about going to get your bathing suit on and I'll go get mine on and we can go."

Junia smiles happily as she moves from the couch running down the hall. "Don't run inside," I yell after her as I stand up from the couch as well and walk down to my room. Shutting the door I go to my closet where I had put my bathing suit after taking the girls to the pool a few days before Taylor came to get Bree.

Getting the suit out I put it on quickly and throw my hair into a bun before grabbing a pair of shorts to but over my bikini bottoms. I know I am six months pregnant but wearing a maternity bikini is a lot easier for me to do than wearing a one piece. I feel less confined and restricted.

Leaving the room I go down to the bathroom where I get the sunscreen then once I have it I head to Junia's room smiling when I see she has her suit on. "Come here Junebug," I smile as I bend down to her level. "Mommy has to put sunscreen on you."

"But I hate it," Junia pouts but she lets me do it anyway. I am sure she remembers the bad sunburn she got once when she talked Carrick into letting her go without sunscreen.

Once I am done with her sunscreen I stand up and put the sunscreen on myself, "See even mommy has to wear it," I tell her when I am done applying it. Keeping the bottle in my hand I pick her up and kiss her cheek. "You'll always be mommy's baby," I whisper as we leave her bedroom and head down the hall.

"I'm four now mommy. I'm not a baby," Junia giggles as she rests her head on my shoulder. "Bree is the baby for now," she sighs as she puts her foot against my belly. "Milo will be the baby when the stork brings him."

I nod before going outside and shutting the door behind us, "Milo will be the baby when the stork brings him," I agree as we walk to the car where I soon put Junia in her booster seat before getting in myself. "What do you think about Milo being daddy's baby also?" I ask Junia as I pull away from the apartment and head towards the interstate.

"I'm daddy's baby," Junia insists her voice getting whiny at that. "I'm his baby."

Laughing I shake my head some, "But you just said earlier you weren't a baby," I remind her. I can't help but wonder what she will say to that. She is after all known for being random.

"I changed my mind," Junia answers and I look at her through the rear view mirror laughing more when I see the pout on her face. To say she is Zac's daughter would be the truth in this moment because she is acting just like him. I find it funny and heart warming at the same time.

Eventually I pull my car onto the road that leads to the cabin though when I get to the cabin I raise an eyebrow when I see a car already there. A car that is parked beside Zac's truck.

Getting out of my car I go to get Junia out and hold her on my hip. I barely get her out before I hear someone hollering my name and I turn to see Shepherd running toward us in his wet swim trunks. Bending down in enough time I catch him and pull him into a hug. I hadn't known Zac was in Oklahoma this week. I guess I figured every time he was here he would call to see if he could get Junia. Then again he doesn't have too either.

"Hey there buddy," I say before kissing Shepherd's cheek and standing Junia down beside him. "What are you doing here?"

Shepherd makes a face after I kiss his cheek, "Daddy brought me," he explains as he looks towards the lake. "He is still swimming with his girlfriend," he informs me and it's then that I realize why Zac didn't tell me he was here. He didn't want me to know he had a girlfriend or ruin his getaway with her.

"Your daddy has a girlfriend?" I ask him as I stand up watching as Junia takes his hand which makes me smile some and it it just makes Shepherd give another face.

Shepherd nods his head turning away as he leads his sister towards the water and I follow behind them. "Her name is Rachel," he says once we reach the lake and I can see Zac swimming around with some brunette who is wearing a skimpy bikini. One I wouldn't wear if kids were around. I am trying not to be jealous hell I have no reason to be because I no longer am in love with that man yet here I am feeling jealousy seeping into my bones. Jealousy that gets worse when the brunette kisses Zac before dunking him under water.

"Mommy why did daddy kiss that woman like that?" Junia asks a little too loudly which seems to get Zac's attention as he comes back up. When Zac looks over at where I stand with the kids I force a smile before nodding. I want to go and run but I am frozen in place as both Zac and his girlfriend Rachel get out of the water and come over to us.

I can tell that Zac is forcing his own smile and Rachel just looks confused, "I didn't know your sister's daughter called you daddy," she speaks up which makes me give Zac a look. So he hasn't told her about us having a child together. "I mean I assume this is Avery the one you've pointed out in pictures of the whole family."

"I am Avery," I say to Rachel as I look her over feeling jealous of how tiny she is and how much she looks like she is younger than me. "And this is my daughter Junia," I say as I look down at Junia who grabs onto my leg and hides her face from the lady who is a stranger to her.

Rachel seems to go silent when I say Junia's name. It's like she is doing some sort of math or calculations in her head. "How can your sister be the mother of your daughter?" she asks Zac finally sounding confused. "I mean I saw pictures of you holding a baby named Junia that you claimed was yours and now your sister says she is hers too?"

Zac's face goes red at Rachel's words and he looks away from everyone, "Maybe we should talk in private Rach," he whispers as he grabs her arm and leads her away. I guess this means I am in charge of both kids right now.

Looking down at both of the children I sigh but force another smile, "Let's go get in the water okay," I nod before feeling Junia move off of my leg. She is the first one to go in with Shepherd and I following close behind her. I make sure both of them don't go out too deep by swimming out just a bit farther and every time they start to make it towards me I move one or the other back towards the shallow end. I know Shepherd could swim out deeper if he wanted but it's Junia I worry about. She isn't as good at swimming yet and she always tries to copy Shepherd so if she swam out too far she'd be in trouble.

When it starts to get dark and Zac hasn't came back yet I round up Shepherd and Junia and make my way towards the cabin where I find Zac sitting alone on the steps of the porch. "Shep can you take Junia inside so both of you can dry off?" I ask watching as he nods his head before grabbing Junia's hand and leading her inside.

Once they are inside I sit down beside Zac, "Where is Rachel?" I question him noticing her car is gone.

"She went to stay at a hotel. She claimed she couldn't be around me right now after finding out that I dated my sister," Zac laughs bitterly before running a hand through his hair. "I should have known she'd find out eventually and been honest from the start but I don't know how to tell anyone about what we had. That we have a child soon to be two children together."

"I understand why you didn't tell her," I tell him as I reach over and rub his back trying to comfort him. "I mean I am so lucky Carrick understood so much and was willing to still be with me when we thought you were dead. That he was willing to take care of Junia, Bree, and I."

At the mention of Carrick I watch as Zac closes his eyes and I want to kick myself. He is probably still haunted by images of watching him get murdered. "Why did you choose to be her mom again?" Zac asks surprising me. "Why did you choose to want her after I was dead? I wanted you to do that so many times before I faked my death."

Swallowing loudly I sit there in silence for awhile as I think of an answer for him, "Because she was the last good thing of you I thought I had left and every time I looked at her when I was here before your memorial I felt guilty because I thought what I had done by leaving you guys was why you did it. I thought that my sleeping with Taylor and abandoning you and Junia was why you killed yourself," I shrug feeling pathetic. "I knew though I needed Junia not just because of you but because I loved her when she fell once and hurt her head. I took her to the hospital and I realized I was her mother and I loved her and I couldn't let Kate keep her. I needed my daughter...our daughter with me. That letting Kate drive me away was stupid."

If Zac has anything against my words he doesn't say anything. "I faked my death because I was a coward," he speaks as he looks away from me. "I thought you had truly moved on then and I just..I didn't want to see you happy without me. I never knew you hadn't moved on. I never knew faking my death would make you move on completely," he confesses and I hate the way his voice reminds me of a lost child. It makes my heartbreak for him and it makes me feel guilty.

"But you have moved on now," I smile before realizing my hand is still on his back. Moving it off I blush some. "You are dating Rachel. If she really likes you she may be able to get over your past," I say trying to make him feel better. Instead it makes my jealous bone act up again as I picture him with her.

"I'm dating her but that doesn't mean I don't still love you," Zac frowns before standing from the porch steps. "I'll never stop loving you. You're the first woman I loved. I may have married Kate but we both know I never loved her."

I stay seated on the steps until Zac goes inside. It's after he goes in that I finally get up and go inside as well to get Junia so we can go home. "Junebug," I speak when I see her sitting on the couch with Shepherd watching some cartoon. "We need to go home now. It's getting late and we need to get you fed and in bed."

"I wanna stay here mommy," Junia speaks which makes me shake my head. "Shepherd said they are staying all weekend and I wanna stay with him and daddy," she pouts as she stands from the couch and walks over to me. "Please can I stay?"

Bending down to her level I look her in the eyes, "You have no clothes here baby girl," I remind her. "You can't stay here with no clothes."

"You can go and get them," Zac speaks which makes me turn my head to look at him. "I can make the kids grilled cheese and you can go and get her clothes."

Standing up again I nod but turn to leave the cabin, "I'll be back then after I go and get her stuff and change clothes," I smile before I open the door to the cabin.

I am able to leave quickly and I drive the hour drive back home quickly. Getting home I decide to shower and change clothes before packing Junia's stuff up. Once I have her stuff packed I am back on the road and headed to the cabin. When I get there I park my car and head to the porch where I find the door in front of the screen door open.

The sight I see sitting at the kitchen table makes me stop in my tracks because it Zac and his kids along with Rachel. All of them are laughing at some joke or something funny. Backing away from the door I sit down on the stairs holding the bag with Junia's clothes in my hand. The sight of Zac acting like a happy family with Rachel who must have gotten over her disgust and came back while I was gone has hurt me.

It hurts so much and I'm not sure if I am ready for Zac to try to move on. I'm not sure if I'm ready to move on. I'm not sure I want Zac being happy with another woman and acting like a perfect family with anyone but me. But that is selfish of me isn't it? It's selfish of me to want that if I don't love him but maybe if I want that then I love him still.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Yeah. I guess the surprise is out huh?"

Live In My Memory Chapter Twenty-One

"Avery?" Zac's voice breaks my thoughts and I realize I am still sitting on the steps at the cabin though I am not sure how much time has passed since I have been sitting her. Turning my head I look at him and stand up holding out Junia's bag of clothes.

"I brought her clothes," I tell him as if that explains things. "I didn't want to ruin the bonding time with Rachel," I confess before feeling my cheeks grow hot. "I guess she came back while I was gone."

Zac nods as he takes the bag from my hands, "She did come back while you were gone. She said she likes me too much to let my past get in the way of our future," he smiles so big and the smile breaks my heart. I should be happy that he is happy I really should. "I guess we can both be happy now. I mean I have Rachel and I assume you'll have Taylor once he moves back here."

Sighing when Zac mentions Taylor I shake my head, "Taylor and I talked about that when he came to get Bree. We...he...we had sex again but the spark wasn't there. We decided it was best if we just stayed platonic," I lie not wanting to reveal that the spark had been there. I just couldn't get with Taylor. I had told him I couldn't do that to Zac.

"Oh," Zac frowns before running a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up."

I shrug, "It's not like you knew," I laugh before looking away from him. "How long have you been dating Rachel?" I ask knowing I need answers. I need to know he is happy. Maybe then I can try to get over the fact that I have realized I am still in love with him.

"Since March," Zac smiles again right as I look at him. "She is a teacher at Shepherd's school. We met when I went to pick him up for school. I brought her here this weekend because well I wanted to propose. I probably still will but I am not so sure she'll say yes."

When he mentions he wants to propose I feel as if I have been stabbed in the heart with a long sharp knife. Especially when my mind goes to the engagement ring he had gotten while I was pregnant with Junia. A ring he had told me to wear to prove I would spend forever with him. After I had thought he was dead and I got the ring back I had worn it around my neck but sometime after I married Carrick I had taken it off. I had taken it off and now it was in some shoe box in my closet.

"You were going to propose before telling me?" I ask feeling offended though it's not being offended that comes across in my voice. What comes across in my voice is hurt.

Zac's eyebrows knit together and I know he is confused by me being hurt. Why wouldn't he be when he thought I no longer loved him anymore.

"I didn't think it would matter," he shrugs his shoulders as he steps closer to me. "I mean I know we have Junia but I just didn't think it would matter."

Laughing I look down, "It does matter Zac. How would you feel if I brought some man into the picture dating wise and he asked me to marry him before I even told you that we were dating?" I ask before crossing my arms over my belly. "How would you feel?"

Zac goes silent as if he is contemplating my words. As if they have made some sort of impact on him but I am not sure they have. Zac can be dumb at times and I fear now is one of those times. I fear he is just going to be typical Zac right now. Then again I fell in love with typical Zac so I can't really judge him too harshly.

"I guess I'd be ticked because of our kids. Not knowing if the man is good with them or even knowing what he is like," Zac finally speaks. "Is this your way of asking me not to propose to Rachel?" he asks right as Rachel opens the door and comes out onto the porch.

"Y..you're going to ask me to marry you?" Rachel smiles as she walks closer to Zac. I want to run over and knock her out of the way but I don't. Instead I just stand there watching as she puts her hand on Zac's back.

Zac turns to look at her a smile on his lips again, "Yeah. I guess the surprise is out huh?" he asks as he puts Junia's bag down on the porch and gives me a look that tells me he has to go through with it now. As he pulls out a box I just stand there frozen in place. "Rachel Trinity Grossman," he smiles more as he drops down to one knee. "Will you do me the honor of being my wife?"

As the words come out of Zac's mouth I half wonder if this is how he felt when he watched Carrick propose to me. If the pain in my heart equaled his own at that moment. If it did I am sorry for that moment even if it did lead me to making love to Zac for the first time that night.

"Yes," Rachel says tearfully as she breaks my thoughts. She isn't the only one crying I realize when I feel tears going down my own cheek.

The moment Zac stands up and puts the ring on her finger is the moment I bolt from the porch. I can't really run well at six months pregnant but I sure as hell fast walk towards my car where I get in and slam the door shut. When the door is shut is when I lean against the seat and break down crying.

Hearing the passenger side door open I don't have to turn my head to know it's Zac. I don't have to because I know. "Ave?" he questions and I turn my head to face him, wiping my tears away.

"Did it hurt this much when you watched Carrick propose to me?" I ask him before more tears fall from my eyes. "Because it feels as if my heart is being stomped on over and over again," I continue not giving him time to talk. "I saw you guys playing happy family. That's why I was on the steps when you came out. Seeing that made me realize I loved you but maybe deep down I knew I always did because I lied about there being no spark between Taylor and I. I just couldn't do that to you. I couldn't be with him because I knew it would hurt you. But maybe a part of me did it because I knew I still loved you and I never stopped."

Zac frowns as he listens to me, "You don't know what you are saying," he speaks as he reaches over to wipe the tears from eyes now. "You're just pregnant and upset."

"I'm not just pregnant and upset Zac," I snap at him and he jumps some. "I love you. I'm still in love with you."

"Rachel," Zac speaks as he looks towards the cabin where Rachel is probably inside being the happy giddy bitch. "I love her Avery. Taylor's your better choice. Just go be with him and let me move on with Rachel."

Shaking my head at his words I can't help but glare. I am pissed that he is again trying to push me towards Taylor. Push me towards someone who I don't want. "Why do you want me with Taylor so badly?"

"Because every time I touch you all I am gonna see is Sam touching you. Is Sam having sex with you," Zac confesses which shocks me. "I have already seen it the times I have done it. I hate that I allowed him the chance to torment you Avery. I hate that I let him get into your life. If I hadn't have been that coward and faked my death you wouldn't have gotten hurt."

Frowning at his words I shrug, "I've moved on from Sam hurting me," I tell Zac as I smile some. "I feel safe with you again. I felt safe with you when we made love after that threesome with Taylor. I know you're not Sam."

Zac looks away from me after I speak which breaks my heart. "I'm not over it though Avery," he whispers sadly as he shakes his head. "It hurt hearing you say you didn't love me. It hurt knowing you loved Taylor but the thought of it made things okay because I knew then I wouldn't have to see you or touch you every day with the guilt of what Sam did. I just I can't do this Avery. I am with Rachel now and we are done," Zac states before getting out of my car and slamming the door.

Watching him leave the car I frown but start it up and drive away heading home. Knowing Zac's reasons now for insisting I am with Taylor makes things clear for me but they still hurt. They hurt because the first time I let him talk me into ending things. I let him drive me away and now Zac is refusing to let me back in. Zac is refusing to let me back into his heart. He wants Rachel which makes me sick.

When I get home I park my car and get out heading inside. Once I am inside I go to my room and lay down on the bed where I start to cry again. I am just hurt that Zac doesn't want to be with me because of the Sam stuff. That he still hasn't forgiven himself for what happened even though it's been months now. I want my Zac back but he isn't here. Instead there is Rachel's Zac.

Closing my eyes I let myself drift off into a restless sleep in which I toss and turn entirely too much. By the time I wake up the next morning I feel worse then what I did when I went to sleep and the pounding on my door isn't helping the headache I developed in my sleep.

Getting out of bed I go to the door and open it with a glare wanting whoever it is to know I am pissed they are here at my door pounding like some idiot. Though the moment I see Taylor standing there holding Bree my glare drops slightly.

Taylor makes a face as he looks me over, "You look like shit," he mutters before coming inside the apartment. "I decided to bring Bree back early though so maybe that will help you look less like shit."

"I look like shit because of Zac," I mutter under my breath as I close the door once Taylor is inside. "Did you know he was dating a girl named Rachel and he brought Rachel here for the weekend to propose?" I ask watching as Taylor turns to face me with a guilty look on his face. He knew too but never told me.

"Zac made me promise not to tell you," Taylor reasons as he sits down on the couch putting Bree down on the floor. I can't help but keep an eye on her as she toddles over to some of her toys that are in the corner of the room. "Did you see her?"

"Not just her. I watched Zac propose," I reveal forcing a smile. "I realized I still love Zac when I saw how happy they were with Shepherd and Junia. I told him but he refuses to be with me because of everything Sam did. He wants me to be with you so he doesn't have to feel fucking guilty for shit still."

Taylor smiles as I sit down beside him on the couch, "Then why don't you do what he wants Ave," he says which surprises me. "I mean I know you love him and you'll always love him but why not give me a chance? And don't give me bullshit about hurting Zac because he is trying to push you towards me so give him what he wants."

Sighing I look over at Bree for a while almost wishing I could be her age again. At least then things weren't complicated. Things were easy. I didn't have to make a choice between going against what Zac wanted and fighting for him or doing what he wanted and giving Taylor a chance.

"Fine," I mutter as I look back at him and nod my head. "I'll do what Zac wants. I always do what he wants. I'll give you chance," I smile some this time not having to force it as much. "I'll be with you."


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "I'm glad you could meet with me."

Live In My Memory Chapter Twenty-Two

On Monday I am not surprised when Zac brings Junia back though I am surprised when he tells me that he and Rachel are staying longer than expected. Apparently she wants Zac to convince our dad to let them live in the cabin after they get married because she liked it so much and it's her dream home. I half wonder how much it would be her dream home if she knew that I had sex with Taylor there more than once.

"Taylor isn't here?" Zac asks as he stands from the couch and I give him a confused look. How did he know Taylor brought Bree back early? Ever since getting together with Taylor we had been together almost constantly which meant he had no time to run off and call Zac to let him know.

"How did you know he was here?" I ask before shaking my head when I realize why Taylor came back early. "You told him to come back didn't you?" I accuse Zac knowing I already have my answer. "You told him to come back here early and convince me to be with him."

Zac looks down at the carpet his face giving away his guilt, "Was it that obvious?" he asks when he looks back up to flash me a smile. "I just want you to be happy Avery," he tells me as he shrugs. "Obviously since I can't ever get over what Sam did..what I allowed him to do we can never be together and you deserve to be as happy as I am with Rachel."

"But you said you still loved me. You said that before I left to get Junia's stuff. How can you be happy with Rachel when you still love me?" I ask him as I feel anger at the fact that he has pulled my hand into being with Taylor. That not only did I follow his wishes but he made it so Taylor would come back early and even ask me to be with him.

Zac sighs before sitting back down beside me on the couch again. "I can be happy with someone else while still loving you Avery," he says before looking me in the eyes. "I'll always love you but love isn't enough right now, especially when I am not over certain things."

Frowning I wish his reasons didn't make sense to me but they do. They always have made sense to me. "Fine," I concede before standing from the couch. "I'll stay with Taylor and you go off and marry Rachel and have your perfect family while trying to cover up the fact that you still love me and want to be with me, especially if you could get over all the shit Sam did. One day I am gonna be gone and you're gonna regret pushing me away," I tell him before crossing my arms over my belly.

When Zac goes silent at my words I know I have struck a chord with him. I know I have but I don't care because at least now I know my words are true. He will live in regret one day. One day it will be too late and he'll have to live with that. "Just leave and go be with your future wife. Go convince dad some more to let you have the cabin."

I watch as Zac stands up and walks to the door. He stops when he gets there to look back at me, "I can't convince dad anymore today. Rachel and I have to go and see her sister. Her sister lives in Oklahoma City but decided to drive to Tulsa to have dinner with us since we are staying longer," he explains before turning his back to me and leaving finally.

Once the door is shut I roll my eyes but head into the kitchen where I quickly fix dinner for my own kids and myself. Taylor won't be around for dinner. He had flew back into Georgia to make some final arrangements in his divorce from Natalie. Apparently he is going to try to talk her into not using Bree's paternity against him.

After I have dinner fixed and both girls are fed I get them ready for bed and then I just have me time or what I thought was me time. My me time is interrupted by a knock on the door. A knock that gets louder by the third knock. Whoever it is must really want to see me and well I am just not up for company but I have a feeling this person won't go away. Not if their knocking is an indicator of how badly they want inside.

Going to the door I pull it open and freeze when I see Heather standing at my door. Raising an eyebrow I look her over knowing I haven't seen her since that day in the hospital after Sam had shot Carrick. "What are you doing here?" I ask her blocking the door so she can't come in. I know it's stupid but I don't want her in my place.

Heather bites her lips as her eyes scan me her eyes soon stopping as they reach my belly. It's when they get there that she looks like she is about to get sick but I don't press her on the sick feeling. It's not my place to press her on that.

"I came to give you this," she says before holding out an envelope for me to take. "Carrick wrote it for you and his mother found it when she was going through his stuff. She didn't know where you were staying at now so she had me deliver it. Not that she likes me but she knew I knew where you lived."

Taking the envelope I sigh as I move away from the door some. "How did you know where I lived?"

"I have my ways," Heather shrugs before turning her back to me and walking away. When she is gone I go back inside and shut the door before walking to the couch. Sitting down I open the envelope and pull out a piece of paper.

Unfolding the paper I let my eyes scan the words written on it.

Dear Avery,  
I know things haven't been good for us lately. You have found out about Heather and I, not to mention Zac is back and well I confronted you today about taking Bree away from you. I shouldn't have done that and I was wrong for it. I was wrong for a lot of stuff I did these past few months to you and our family. I still consider you, Junia and Bree as my family...my girls. I'm sorry for what I have done.

In being sorry I guess I should tell you I ended things with Heather. I couldn't keep seeing her especially if maybe there is a chance for us..even with Zac back in town. Though I know I will never win against him I can at least hope that once you get this you may consider me worthy again. It's my confession on why I cheated...why I messed up.

I wasn't lonely and I didn't not love you anymore. I was just dumb and thinking with my dick. I never loved Heather however much she wanted me too. It was always you and she knew that. She knew that and I knew that yet I kept going back to her out of stupidity. I guess I needed to prove to myself that someone could love me because I always felt you never loved me enough even though you did agree to marry me.

Heather eventually realized I loved you though...she realized it when I ended things with her. I just wish I could have done it sooner but I was stupid and I have a lot of missed chances under my belt.  
Love Carrick

Once I am done reading his letter I fold it back up and put it on the table, smiling some as my hand rests on my belly. It is nice to know that his last words before Sam killed him he gave to me. That he apologized for what he had done wrong. Maybe he wasn't as bad as I thought he was. Maybe he was just scared of always losing me.

It's not like he was wrong in that I never loved him as much as he deserved because I didn't. I always had Taylor and Zac in my heart then.

Biting my lip I close my eyes and drift off without really meaning too. It's a sleep filled with dreams of Carrick and our happier times together. Times I will always remember when I think of him.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After seeing Heather and getting Carrick's letter several weeks again seem to pass me by. Weeks in which I spend with my children enjoying the summer though of course something has to come up to ruin all that fun. Zac has given me word via text that Rachel wanted to meet me one on one for lunch.

It was something I knew I shouldn't have agreed too but I did. I agreed to it and also got Zac to agree to watch both of my children while I met his soon to be wife at the nearby Taco Bueno. Apparently Milo is taking after his dad and making me crave Taco Bueno for most of the pregnancy.

Arriving at the restaurant I park my car and get out. Heading inside I make my order even after I spot Rachel sitting at a table waiting for me. Well she can wait all she wants because I am not going to that table until I have my food in my hands. My baby wants some damn Taco Bueno and I am sure if I don't get I will murder someone though I will probably murder someone after this meeting with Rachel mainly because I can't figure out why she wants to meet with me.

When I am given my food I take it and walk over to where Rachel is sitting at. "I hope you don't mind me eating? I mean you did say you wanted to meet for lunch," I tell her as I sit down. A fake smile is plastered on my lips much like the own fake one occupying her lips as well.

Rachel shrugs, "You have to feed your baby. Go ahead and eat," she nods before moving her chair closer to the table. "I'm glad you could meet with me."

"To be honest I thought of saying no," I say after taking a few bites of my burrito. "But then curiosity got me and I wanted to know why you requested to have lunch with me. I mean I don't think you like me too well or like the fact that I had a relationship with my own brother."

Rachel drops her smile finally, "You are right I don't like you too well nor do I agree with what I know of you and Zac...and you and Taylor but I am accepting that because I love Zac. I love Zac and I intend to marry him in a few months. I also plan to make this marriage work and since your dad has agreed to let us live in the cabin after we get married I want some rules between us," Rachel says as she locks eyes with me. "I only want you around Zac when you have to trade kids with him. Only when something comes up with Junia and that baby in your stomach," she nods as she looks down at my belly. "I refuse to have you ruin my marriage like you did Kate's."

After she stops talking I lay my burrito down after taking some more bites. "Well Rachel I can't promise you anything," I tell her as I keep eye contact with her. "You see I may be with Taylor right now but I'm in love with Zac and one day he is going to get over what Sam did and regardless of whether I told him that I will move on I know I never will and I will be waiting for him with open arms when he decides to come back," I smile at her before breaking eye contact and finishing my burrito. "I think you are the one I should be worried about I mean you have the man I love. The man who loves me."

"The love he has for you is sick," Rachel spits but I don't flinch because I have heard those words before. "Anyway if you really loved him you would fight for him and not date Taylor like he wants you to do. I mean I think him wanting you to date Taylor speaks volumes. He's never going to get over what Sam did and he doesn't love you enough to try. He loves me though enough to marry me and start over. I'm the one he wants and I intend to keep him," she smirked before standing from the table. "Now I have to go so I can get back to my soon to be husband and we can make love all day," she says as she walks away but stops briefly. "Did you know he likes oral sex a lot?" she asks with a giggle before leaving for good.

I wait until after Rachel leaves to leave as well and just because of her words on how she wants to make love to Zac I decide I am going to stay out late. I am going to find something to do to make sure that they can't make love for the rest of the day.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: " I am in love with you."

Live In My Memory Chapter Twenty-Three

Once I am satisfied with how late I have been out I arrive back home and park my car before heading inside. Opening the door I turn the lights on and stop in my tracks when I see Zac laying on the couch with Bree asleep on his chest and Junia snuggled into his side. He looks so adorable with both of my girls. He looks really adorable.

Grabbing my cell phone from my pocket I take a picture of the moment before putting the picture as my background. I want to always remember this. How Zac looks with my kids. How he looks with our daughter and his niece. Putting my phone away I slip my shoes off before walking towards the couch.

"Zac," I whisper when I get there. I pray he can hear me because there is no way in hell I am bending down. I will never get back up since I am starting to resemble a beached whale.

Zac's eyes flicker open at my voice and he looks up at me still sleepy, "What time is it?" he asks through a yawn before taking in his surroundings.

"A little after ten-thirty," I answer before leaning down some to pick up Junia who luckily doesn't wake up. "I went shopping after lunch with Rachel," I admit though I know I am never going to tell him I went shopping because I was trying to keep him from the woman he supposedly is in love with enough to marry. "I wanted to get some more baby stuff for Milo," I smile as I carry Junia down to her room.

When I reach Junia's room I go to her bed where I lay her down and cover her up. As I watch her sleep I can't help but smile. She will always be one of the best things I have ever gotten from Zac, the other being Milo who isn't here yet.

Turning to leave the room I again stop when I reach Bree's nursery where I see Zac putting her down in her crib. "I could have done that," I smile as I walk into the room and come to a stop beside him and look down at Bree who is sleeping. Her red hair is all messy and she has drool on her cheek. Oddly she reminds me of Taylor...and also Ezra and Willa

"She's beautiful," Zac speaks ignoring me telling him I could have put her to bed. "Obviously she gets her red hair from Taylor," he notes with a chuckle.

"Makes his third kid to get it," I laugh before I turn to leave the room feeling Zac following after me. "I hope Milo is a blonde like Junia is," I say before rubbing my belly. "I hope he inherits your looks."

I can hear Zac grunt from behind me, "But I look like a dirty hobo half the time," he laugh some. "A very dirty hobo."

Sitting down on the couch when I make it to the living room, "You didn't resemble a dirty hobo when you were a kid," I remind him. "You were an adorable little kid who knew how to work some of the worst hairstyles ever," I shrug before putting my feet on top of the coffee table after slipping my shoes off. I am sure I am looking the pregnant woman cliche right now. My feet on the coffee table and my hand resting on my bump.

"True," Zac nods as he sits down beside me. "How did it go with Rachel?" he asks finally. I knew he'd ask that question and to be honest I have been dreading it because I am not sure if I should tell him that she told me not to be around him unless it involved the kids or if I should just let it be and let it come out in it's own time.

Biting my lip I look away from him, "She thinks I should only be around you when it concerns Junia or Milo," I tell him deciding to be honest here.

"She told me she would tell you that," Zac says and I am shocked. He knew that Rachel was going to say that yet he still wanted me to go. "I hope you agreed to it," he speaks again shocking me more. "Rachel and I know it will be best for our marriage which we both want to make work. It's different with her then it ever was with Kate. I want my marriage to work Avie."

Looking at him I just shake my head, "You knew why she wanted to talk to me?" I ask feeling my voice crack as I do so. "You feel the same way she does?" I ask another question not sure whether I am more hurt or pissed off right now.

"I did know and I do feel the same," Zac confirms as he looks at me his voice a mixture of confusion and clarity both at the same time. "I was hoping you would understand," he sighs as he runs a hand through his hair.

Looking away from him I nod my head, "I understand," I tell him before standing from the couch. "Now leave my house. Rachel is waiting on you at the hotel so you two can have sex," I spit out watching as he stands up. If I expected him to apologize or even just say anything he doesn't. Instead he leaves like I tell him to do. He leaves and I let him. I let him leave.

Turning my back I head down the hallway and into my room. Maybe tonight is my wake up call that things with Zac are finally over no matter how much I love him. He wants his marriage to work with Rachel. He wants to be with Rachel and I am just someone he wants to see if it involves our kids. I am no longer the woman he is willing to fight for. I am not the woman he would bring a child to New York for so he could try to win her back.

Closing my eyes as I lay in bed I finally let my tears fall silently. I almost wish Taylor were here right now instead of being in Georgia working out last minute stuff in his divorce. I need Taylor back so he can help me. I need him here to hold me.  
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Standing at the airport two days later I watch as Junia hops around getting all of her pent up energy out. "Down," Bree says as she tries to wiggle out of my arms.

"You want down?" I ask her and she nods so I put her down. To be honest I am kind of glad she wanted down because my back was starting to hurt holding her. Once she is down she talks off following Junia around like a puppy. It's no lie to say that Bree adores her big sister in the same way that Junia adores Shepherd when she is with Shepherd.

Sitting down in a chair I keep my eyes on the girls while checking my watch. Taylor's plane should be here soon. He should be coming back from Georgia soon. Ever since my conversation with Zac it is what I have wanted. I have wanted Taylor back here because when he is with me everything seems like it will be okay.

"Mommy," Junia asks bringing me out of my thoughts. "When will Uncle Taylah be here?" she asks saying Taylor's name in the childish way she has always said it. "He told me last night when he called he got Bree and I both toys."

I smile at the last thing she says, "He should be getting here any minute now," I tell her. "And what are you going to tell Uncle Taylor once he gives you the toy?"

Junia has to think over that for a moment, "Thank you," she finally speaks and I nod confirming she has given me the right answer. I know Taylor honestly doesn't have to buy her any gifts. She isn't his daughter. She is just his niece. It's Bree who is his daughter.

"There are my three favorite ladies," Taylor's voice speaks and I turn to see him standing not that far from us. Standing up I go over to him right as Bree makes her way to him as well. He picks Bree up first before pulling me to him and kissing me on the lips. A kiss I return.

"Your three favorite ladies missed you," I smile as I pull away from him and watch Junia come running over. He also picks her up and kisses her cheek which causes her to make a face at that. It seems she only likes it when Zac kisses her cheek.

Taylor laughs at the face Junia makes, "I missed my ladies as well," he winks before heading to get his bags. I follow behind him the best I can but my pregnancy is starting to slow me down. "I was thinking on the way home we could stop for ice cream. My treat," he smirks once we reach the baggage claim. "And I will also give these two princesses their presents I got them."

"I'm sure they will love both ideas," I nod watching as he puts both girls down to get his bags. After he has them he picks Bree back up and holds onto Junia's hand as we leave the airport heading to my car. Once we get there I let him put Bree in while I get Junia in.

After everyone is in and situated I drive to the ice cream place where Taylor makes good on his promise of giving the girls their toys. He gets Bree a stuffed monkey and Junia a new barbie doll. It's after they have their toys that we get ice cream. The girls eat their ice cream but they seem much more interested in the toys than the food. To be honest when I was their age I was probably the same way.

By the time we finish the ice cream and head back to my place both girls are wore out and don't even fight bath time or bed time. It's after they are both in bed though that Taylor and I finally get alone time. Time which I am sure we both need together.

"I did really miss you," I tell him again as I shut the door to my bedroom turning to see him stripping down to his underwear. "I missed you a lot."

"Did you miss me because Zac pushed you away more?" Taylor asks me as I open my closet door to get my nightgown out.

I shake my head before undressing, "Why would you ask that?" I ask him trying to deny that it was part of the reason I missed him so much.

"Because he called me and told me about the Rachel situation," Taylor replies and I turn to look at him after I get my nightgown on. Of course Zac called Taylor. Of course he told Taylor about our newest issues. "It just seems like you need me more every time Zac hurts you or pushes you away. Avie we agreed to be in a relationship and if you're just using me to get over whatever hurt Zac gives you could you tell me? Let me know so I can just end things now before I get hurt because I love you. I am in love with you."

Hearing Taylor say he is in love with me I walk over to the bed and get in beside him, "I'm not using you," I tell him honestly. "Yes I did miss you because Zac hurt me but I miss you because you make everything better after he hurts me. You make me feel better. I wouldn't use you like that because I love you too," I nod. I may not be in love with him right now but I do love him. I do love him and that's a start.

"I love you," I whisper before leaning in to kiss him on the lips. I do love him and I want to show him that by making love to him. I want to show him how much I love him.  
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Being awoken in the middle of the night by a loud scream I jump up still half asleep. When I hear the scream again I realize though that it's Junia so I get out of bed not surprised in the least that Taylor can sleep through a child screaming as if she is about to die. Making it to her room I open the door to find her in bed sitting up.

"Junebug?" I ask as I sit down on the bed. "What's the matter sweetie?"

Junia looks at me her lip trembling some, "I had a dream daddy went to heaven again," she whimpers as she leans into me. "I had a dream that he left me and he wasn't coming back. Mommy I want daddy home with us," she whispers before climbing into my lap. "I want daddy and Shepherd home with us," she mutters into my neck as she continues to whimper off and on even with me rocking her back and forth.

I'm not sure what to tell her in response to Zac and Shepherd coming to live with us. I know it will never happen. Zac and are over now. He has made that clear. He is with Rachel where he wants to be and I am with Taylor. How do I tell my daughter that her daddy can't be here with us?


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "And what did you tell her?" I ask almost nervous for his reply.

Live In My Memory Chapter Twenty-Four

After soothing Junia enough that she had stopped crying I knew getting her to sleep would be a different story. She was still so insistent on her dad being her. On Zac being here. I knew I had no other option but to call him even in the middle of the night. At least it would be for our child, the only reason he would want to talk to me anymore it seemed.

Putting Junia on her bed I promise her I will call Zac and he'll be here as soon as possible but the moment I leave her room and walk down the hall I start to regret my decision. How can I promise such things when I am not sure it's going to happen? Zac could deny me since he wants to be a fucking dick lately. He could deny me and make me a liar to our daughter but god I really hope that isn't the case here.

Picking up my home phone when I make into the living room I dial Zac's cell realizing that I don't know the number to his hotel or even which one he is staying at. Here is to hoping that he answers or even has it on since Rachel deliberately told me she wanted to make love all night with him and I did sort of delay that a bit by coming home later than I should have.

"Hello?" Zac's voice comes through after the fourth ring. He sounds sleepy so I feel a little better knowing that I probably interrupted his sleep and not sex with Rachel.

"Hey," I say after trying to shake thoughts of Zac and Rachel from my head. "I..I know you said not to contact you unless it was for the kids and this is kind of about Junia," I sigh unsure of how to explain this to him. He may not even understand it and he can still turn me down though I really hope not. "She had a bad dream and she just wants you here right now. She won't go back to sleep if you don't come by and see her."

I can hear movement and a voice I know as Rachel's in the background though I can't tell what Rachel is saying nor can I tell what Zac mutters to her because he must have moved away from the phone some. In my head though I can picture her trying to convince Zac just to stay there. Put Junia's problem off until a decent hour. I just have a feeling that's how she works. I have a huge feeling that's how she is wired.

"I'll be there soon Avie," Zac finally speaks bringing me out my thoughts. I don't even get a chance to reply though before he hangs up on me.

Hanging up as well I go to sit on the couch my hand resting on my stomach where Milo has decided he is going to be active now. I can feel him kicking me and trying to move up onto my bladder. I really hope he is unsuccessful in that because I don't feel like running to the bathroom every five minutes.

When I hear footsteps coming down the hall I look up expecting to see Junia but instead I see Taylor looking at me. "Junia came into the room looking for you," he laughs as he shakes his head. "I took her back to her room and promised I would find you."

"You found me," I nod giving him a tiny smile. He has found me alright. "I just got off the phone with Zac. He is on his way over. Junia had a bad dream and she won't go to sleep unless she sees him again," I shrug not sure if I should tell Taylor her whole dream though I expect him to ask. He is nosy like that and all. It's a Hanson family trait I think.

Taylor nods as if he understands, "What did she dream about?" he asks which makes me feel happy that I knew he would ask that. I just know Taylor well enough by now to know what he will and won't be nosy on.

"Zac was dead again and in heaven," I frown not liking that thought. I don't want to think of the possibility of being physically separated from Zac. Romantically I can deal because I know he'd still be alive but if he died for real I would lose my shit. I would really become inconsolable. "She wants him and Shepherd to come and live with us," I finish looking at Taylor for his reaction to that.

Taylor sits there silently his expression unreadable to me. It makes me worried that I have upset him again but at least I was being honest and not lying. At least I told him what Junia had wanted, not what I wanted.

"Do you know why he came back to town?" Taylor finally asks breaking the silence and making me look at him confused. "I mean when Sam kidnapped him?" he asked obviously reading the confusion on my face. Instead of speaking I just nod giving Taylor permission to tell me why Zac had came to town. What made him get so close for Sam to take him?

"He came back to win the woman he loved," Taylor smiles at the words he speaks. "He came to win you back. I'm not dumb I know he still loves you Avery. I love you too and I hear his love for you in his voice every time he comes to me to fix his problems," he shrugs before looking away from me.

Shaking my head I look away from Taylor as well. There is no way he is right. If Zac still loved me he'd want to fight for me regardless of him being stuck on what Sam did. He'd want me over Rachel..he wouldn't want me to give him space. "He doesn't love me anymore. If he loved me he'd fight for me regardless. I mean just listen to Juliet...we don't have that love anymore."

Taylor laughs at my words. A bitter laugh that stings me to my core. "You do too," he mutters and I feel him looking at me. "That's why I told you what I did before we made love Avie. I know you two still have so much love for each other and I don't want to get hurt but I know I will. I know I will if I don't back out now," he nods before standing from my couch. "I can't be Zac's go to guy when he needs me to fix shit and I can't be yours when you want me because he pushes you away...or because someone hurts you like Sam did," Taylor pauses as he looks down at me. "It's Zac who needs to be there for you."

After Taylor speaks I just sit there watching as he leaves the room. I'm not sure how long he is gone but when he comes back he has his bag in his hands and he mutters something about going back to his house in Tulsa. That he still loves me but he can't be second best anymore. He can't be someone's second best.

Even after he leaves my house I still sit there in shock that he finally had the balls to leave me. To realize I'd never love him back the way he deserved. Not when my heart belongs to Zac. Him leaving also means I have to finally grow my backbone, stop giving Zac what he wants and fight for him. He came here to win me back but now..now I have to win him back from Rachel before he makes a huge mistake.

Just when I am about to lean against the couch do I hear a knock on the door. Pushing my way up from the couch I walk to the door and open it, not surprised to see that Zac has finally showed up.

"Sorry I am late," he speaks as he pushes his way inside. "Rachel kind of kept me occupied," he tells me and I can only imagine what she kept him occupied with.

Shutting the door a little too loud I glare, "So pussy is more important than Junia?" I ask snapping at him some. I can tell when he turns to face me he is surprised by my attitude.

Zac's face stays surprised as he shakes his head, "No but I was in the shower and she just joined me," he shrugs. "I couldn't really tell her no," he sighs as he crosses his arms. "How about we just drop talk of my sex life with her? What was Junia's bad dream about?" he asks changing the subject on me.

Looking away from him I run a hand through my hair, "That you died for real and went to heaven," I whisper before turning to face him. "She woke up terrified that it was real. Luckily I calmed her down some but not enough. She wants to know you are okay. She needs to know you are okay and she kind of keeps saying she wants you and Shepherd to move in here. To be here with us."

"What did you say when she said that?" Zac asks me his eyebrow raising as if he expected me to tell my daughter, our daughter that her daddy wasn't coming home to be with us.

Shaking my head I shrug, "I didn't say anything," I answer him honestly. "I figured you could be the one to tell our daughter that you can't be with us because you want to try to push me away because you can't get over the Sam shit. That you want to be with Rachel when you still love me."

To that Zac just glares at me but walks off towards Junia's room, leaving me alone in the living room. After he leaves I frown hating that I seem to have made him made by telling the truth.

"Bastard," I whisper under my breath as I walk down the hall to my bedroom. It feels empty without Taylor but I can honestly say his leaving was the right thing to do. He saved himself from being used more than what I had used him. He deserves someone who can love him fully.

Laying down on my bed I drift off not really meaning too. It's just that it's still late and I am still sleepy even after everything that has happened so far.  
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Waking as the sun comes through my bedroom windows I turn in the bed, my eyes opening as I feel a body beside me. To say I am surprised to see Zac laying beside me is an understatement. I am even more surprised to see him awake and staring at me.

"Hi," Zac smiles some as he slips his arm around my waist. "I...well you looked so peaceful sleeping and I didn't want to wake you," he defends himself as he smiles more. "I talked to our daughter. She told me about her dream herself. Told me how she wants Shep and I here like you said she did."

I nod feeling taken aback by his affection. Affection he hasn't shown me in so long. "And what did you tell her?" I ask almost nervous for his reply.

I watch as Zac chews on his lip but not once does he look away from me nor does he move his arm. "I told her we'd move in," he sighs as he pulls me as close as my belly will allow him to. "I know I've been a dick lately and just seeing Junia and her begging me to come home made me realize that. I want to get past this Sam stuff with you," he whispers to me before leaning in to kiss me on the lips.

I really shouldn't return the kiss, not after what he has put me through but I find myself returning it. I find myself kissing him back and wanting to help him through the Sam stuff. I want to help Zac get better so that we can be a family with our kids...all of our kids, even the ones we don't share together.

Pulling away from the kiss eventually I look at him, "I love you," I whisper to him watching as he smiles again. "I love you and I want to help you through this like we should've been doing all along."

"I'm just stupid and stubborn," Zac concedes as he looks at me. "Can you forgive me?" he asks and I don't even have to think my answer over. Instead I just nod my head. I nod my head and lean in to kiss him again. I can forgive him because I love him that much.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "We both need her Taylor. We both love her."

Live In My Memory Chapter Twenty-Five

Sitting in the hospital waiting room I run a hand through my hair. Avery has been in labor with Milo now for hours and Zac my god Zac just came out of the room saying they had to take Avery down to surgery. Something about a complication arising that could put both Avery and Milo in jeopardy. Something that could kill them both.

Looking over at Zac I chew my lip knowing he must be going through hell. He and Avery had finally worked through his issues with Sam a month ago. A month ago though he had left Rachel and gotten with her a few months prior to that. I know he has to be beating himself up though as he thinks of the possibility of losing her for good or even losing Milo a baby they both wanted.

Standing from the chair I was in I walk over to Zac, putting my hand on his back, "You'll be okay," I assure him as I nod forcing a smile. It's only forced because I too am worrying about Avery. If she dies that will leave Bree without a mother and I don't think I can raise Bree on my own not when Avery and I have made a good team in co-parenting her since we broke up. Things are back to how they should be between us though I know deep down I could never make it without her because I love her too much. I love her so goddamn much.

Zac looks up at me and frowns, "No I won't be," he whispers as he lays his head on my shoulder. "I won't be okay and neither will you," he whispers so only I can hear him. "We both need her Taylor. We both love her."

"That we do," I confirm after Zac finally moves his head off my shoulder. "We both love her but I know you're the one she is going to be with in the end. When she makes it through she is going to come back to you so you guys can be a family."

"She could come back to both of us," Zac states as he locks eyes with me. "She could be with both of us and we could all be a family. It's something Avery and I talked about this last month. Where you fit in our life. We..we're going to tell you our final decision but then you know life got hectic as we prepared for Milo."

I look at Zac feeling confused, "What do you mean where I fit in?" I ask unsure of what Zac is trying to say. The only place I fit in Avery's life is as Bree's father. I am Bree's father and nothing more. She is with the man she loves even if I love her too.

Zac goes silent as if he is thinking of a way to answer my question. Just how complicated can his answer be? How complicated is my position in their life?

"We both love you," Zac finally speaks his words coming as a shock to me. I hadn't expected him to say they both loved me. Last I knew he didn't love me back though if I was honest with myself I did love him. I had been in love with him since I helped him through his rape. "We both want you Taylor. I mean if you'll have us if Avery survives."

Going silent now I feel my eyes grow big at his words. They both want me. He and Avery both want me in their lives. They both love me too something I wasn't sure Zac felt towards me but maybe he has just realized it since getting back with Avery and working through his Sam issues.

"I do want both of you," I nod giving Zac a smile as the doctor walks into the room. Zac stands up and I decide to stand and walk with him. His face doesn't look at all happy or what it should be if he is giving good news.

I watch helplessly as Zac chews on his lip listening as the doctor delivers the news. The news which isn't good. The placenta had ruptured and Avery had hemorrhaged. They had tried everything but there was just too much blood loss and she was dead. She was dead though Milo had lived and was being taken to the nursery.

"Can I see her?" Zac asks his voice breaking which makes the tears I had been holding back come out. My sister, the mother of my child and the woman I love was dead. She was dead and she was never coming back. For once this was no elaborate scheme to fake someone's death. Avery was really dead.

The doctor just nods to Zac's question and he leads the way to where they have Avery's body. I don't even think Zac knows I am following him but I have too. I want to see Avery as well one last time. I need to see her.

When we get to the room I let Zac go in first and once I am in I freeze in my spot looking down at Avery who is laying on the bed as if she is sleeping but I know she isn't. There isn't the normal rise and fall of her chest or the snoring that she does but will never admit to. There is nothing there but a body of something that used to be my sister.

"Avery," Zac speaks as he looks down at her. "I need you to wake up," he says as he reaches his hand out to stroke her face. "I need you to come back for me. I can't do this without you," he sighs before his voice breaks. "I can't take care of Junia and Milo by myself. I can't do that baby," he breaths as strokes her face some more.

Seeing Zac like this is breaking my heart and I wish there was something I could do. I wish I could bring Avery back myself but I can't. I can't bring her back. She is gone and it's too late for anything. It's late for any plans she and Zac had about us, everything is too late.

Going over to Zac I put my hand on his back but he doesn't even flinch or acknowledge my presence. He just sits there looking at Avery as if he can will her back to life with stares now instead of words.

I stay silent only turning my head when I hear the door open, watching as a nurse comes in. "We need to get her body ready," she speaks as she looks at me and then towards Zac. "You need to go now."

Zac looks at her shaking his head, "She'll come back," he tells her before reaching for Avery's hand. "She is going to come back to me. We always come back to each other," he states his voice sounding even more sad than it previously had. My brother is a broken mess right now and it's killing me. It's killing me but I know I have to be the strong one for both of us and our children. Children who are now left without their mother.

"Zac come on buddy," I speak up as I slowly pull Zac up but he never once lets go of her hand.

"No," Zac snaps as he turns his head to face me pushing me away with his free hand. He pushes me enough that I move several steps away from him. "If I leave her they are going to cover her body up and that will be it. That will be the end and she won't come back," he frowns as tears go down his cheek. "She can't leave me Taylor. She can't leave me not when I love her and just got her back."

Just looking at him I sigh before running a hand through my hair, "She has left you though Zac. That isn't her right there, that is just her body. What made her Avery is gone."

I am not sure how long after my words Zac stands there but I finally watch as he lets her hand go. He lets her hand go and he walks over to me. When he reaches me I put an arm around him leading him out of the room as he continues to cry though now it's more like he is sobbing loudly. Like he is coming to terms with the fact that Avery is gone. Avery is dead now it's just him. It's Him and I who are left behind. We now have to take care of each other and our children.

"Let's go see your baby," I whisper to him knowing that seeing Milo may cheer him up. Even though Avery died giving birth to him I can't help but feel he is a sign of hope. A sign that Zac will get better, things will change.

Zac nods at my words before resting his head on my shoulder as we continue to walk, "I wanna see my son."  
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Gasping for breath my eyes shoot open and I take in my surroundings looking at a woman dressed in bright pink scrubs. Her back is to me but I can tell she is a nurse and I know I am in a hospital. I remember all of my time with Carrick and I know that I died. I died but I choose to come back to Zac and my children.

"My baby," I finally mutter out my voice feeling hoarse and my throat raw. "I want to see my baby."

The nurse turns to look at me dropping the equipment she had in her hands. Her face pales slightly but she musters up the strength to leave the room and when she comes back she isn't alone. She has brought a doctor with her. A doctor who wants to check me out and ask questions. Questions I don't really want to answer because I want to see my son. I never got to see Milo.

"I want to see Milo," I speak getting agitated as the doctor continues asking questions even after getting a blood sample from me. "My baby."

"Miss.Hanson I just want to ask a few more questions," he starts but I shot him a glare. A glare that makes him gulp and tell the nurse to get me a wheelchair. "After you see your son expect to answer more questions."

I just nod as the nurse helps me into the wheelchair. After I see and hold Milo I will answer and god damn question he has for me.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "It's nice to be here," Taylor says as he kisses my forehead.

Live In My Memory Chapter Twenty-Six

Two days after my near death I am allowed to go home as I am doing well enough for the doctors and Milo is also doing well. Zac is the one who offers to drive and Taylor somehow decides to come back home with us. I know Zac and I talked about where Taylor stood in our lives but I couldn't help but wonder if during my time in limbo with Carrick if Zac hadn't told Taylor.

I wouldn't be mad at Zac if he had. Taylor needed to know that Zac and I both wanted him this relationship too that we both loved him and needed him as much as he hopefully needed us.

Looking over at Taylor who is sitting beside me in the backseat I smile when he turns to look at me, "I like having you here," I tell him before laying my head on his shoulder. "It's nice."

"It's nice to be here," Taylor says as he kisses my forehead. "Zac told me about your plans," he whispers confirming what I suspected. Zac told him that we both wanted him and needed him as well. It's still true too. I want Taylor in my life as much as I want Zac. I need Taylor as much as I need Zac.

Looking up at him I smile, "And you want to be with us?" I ask him though I hope his answer is clear by him being here in the car as Zac drives me home. I hope him being here means that he has accepted what Zac told him and that he wants us as much as we want him.

"I do," Taylor nods as he locks eyes with me. "I want you Avery and I want Zac too. I love you both so much. I love you both more than I ever loved Natalie."

I can't help but smile more at his words. He loves us both. He loves us more than he has ever loved his ex-wife. "We love you too," I whisper as I look away from him and close my eyes. I must have been sleepy because the next thing I know is being woken up by Taylor when we arrive home, though he isn't telling me to get up. Instead he is carrying me inside himself.

I must have gone back to sleep because I am not awoken again until it's dark and I hear Milo crying. Getting out of the bed I look at Taylor who must have fallen asleep beside me. I give his sleeping form a smile before sleeping out of bed and the room.

When I make it to Milo's nursery I stop at the door as I see Zac sitting in the rocking chair holding our son. He doesn't see me yet as his eyes are trained on the baby boy in his arms. The baby that resembles what he looked like as a child though I think Milo's eyes are the same shade of brown as mine and not Zac's brown.

"You need to be quite baby boy," Zac speaks as he keeps his eyes trained on Milo. "You are going to wake your sisters, brother, and mommy up. They all need the rest."

Of course Milo doesn't reply back to him which makes me chuckle some as I step into the room. "I am already awake," I speak letting Zac know he isn't alone. "His crying did wake me up but I think Junia and Bree are still out. Shepherd probably is too as he can sleep through anything."

Zac looks up at me and nods, "Shep can sleep through anything," he laughs as he watches me walker closer to him. "I think the girls can too honestly."

I shrug as I look down at Milo who is just looking up at Zac, "They get it from their Uncle Taylor, I mean Taylor slept through Milo's cries," I laugh before bending down and taking Milo out of his arms. It's after I do that, that Zac moves from the rocking chair and I sit down now.

"It's hard to believe we have another baby," I state still in shock. "Or that you are even still alive."

Zac just gives me a tiny grin but I can see the guilt on his face. He still hates himself for faking his death. "I'm sorry I did that you know," he says repeating what he has told me ever since we got back together. "I'm sorry I made you hurt like that."

"I forgive you," I tell him much like I have done before. "Anyway if you hadn't done that then I wouldn't have Brennan. I like having her and without her neither of us would have Taylor," I shrug knowing Bree was part of the reason we have Taylor in our relationship now.

Zac sighs as if he doesn't believe my words but he doesn't try to go against them. Instead he chews on his lip as if he is debating on saying something. "Are you mad I told Taylor of our plans before you woke up?" he asks finally breaking the silence. I should have known that question was coming though.

Looking away from Milo I shake my head no, "Why would I be mad?" I ask him. I am confused on why he would think I was mad. We were going to tell Taylor anyway but things got hectic. Zac didn't have to wait for me. It was just as much his news to deliver too and he had every right to do it without me being present for it.

"Because you might have changed your mind," Zac answers and his answer does make sense to me in a way but I feel as if he should know I hadn't nor wouldn't change my mind no matter what.

"I didn't change my mind though," I assure him before looking back down at Milo. "I want Taylor and I want you. Together all of us can be one big happy family."

Zac nods at my answer seeming satisfied. He doesn't even say anything else he just turns and walks out the door probably to go join Taylor in bed. I hope he does because God knows he could need the rest too. I know ever since my near death experience that he hasn't been sleeping well, always staying with me at the hospital as if he was afraid I would slip away again.

Once Milo is back to sleep in my arms I stand from the rocking chair and put him in the crib before leaving the nursery, leaving the door cracked. Going down the hall I head into the bedroom where I lay down beside Zac. As I lay down I can hear both him and Taylor snoring which makes me laugh to myself softly.

"What have I gotten myself into?" I ask before closing my eyes. The question isn't just meant for now it's meant in general. What have I gotten myself into? It's an answer I don't have but one I hope to have eventually when I am old and grey and hopefully on my deathbed. Hopefully then will things make sense.

Yawning I curl closer to Zac and soon drift off. I know things started off rocky when I came back to Tulsa but now things seem in place. Things seem to be how they should. Everyone is finally happy and for now that's all that seems to matter.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"How is mom doing?" I ask as I eye my baby sister Bree. "Milo isn't sure if he can make it here in time."

Bree turns to look at me her red hair hanging in her eyes some, "She keeps going in and out of consciousness," she frowns holding onto our mom's frail hand. Mom had been sick for months now. She had gotten bad after daddy died. She had been in bad health since before Uncle Taylor died but daddy dying that's what did her in or so I believe.

"At least she'll finally be with them," I frown as well sitting in the chair beside Bree. "She'll be with both the men she loved, both the men she created a family with."

Bree chews on her lip, "She keeps talking to Uncle Zac as if he is really here. She keeps telling him she'll join him soon," she sighs as she shakes her head. "It's him she'll be with not my daddy."

I roll my eyes shaking my head. Bree has never believed that our mama ever loved her daddy as much as she did mine and Milo's but I know she did. I know she loved him just as much. Looking away from Bree as I hear the door open I smile when I see Shepherd coming in carrying coffee for everyone.

"I'm glad you are here Shep," I tell him before taking my coffee. "I mean you didn't have to be here she wasn't your mom."

"She wasn't my mom but she was the closest to it after mine died and daddy loved her so much. He'd want me here in her final hours," Shepherd speaks before handing Bree her coffee. "Is Milo going to make it?"

I shrug before taking a sip from my coffee, "He is trying his best. He says his plane just landed. I hope she can hold on that long," I whisper before watching as my mom opens her eyes and stares ahead looking at something unseen on the wall.

"They are here," she smiles before looking at Bree and I. "Both of your daddies are here to take me home," she whispers a huge grin on her face as her eyes move towards the door and I turn my head seeing Milo standing there.

I can't say anything back because before I know it the room is filled with the heart monitor's beeping slowing down and before I know it mom is gone. Mom is dead and I know that she is at peace. She was taken home by both of her soul mates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: So Live In My Memory is a sequel to The Broken One that didn't fully form until the end of The Broken One.
> 
> It's also a sequel where an idea happened in the middle that changed the whole story. I had alluded to in The Broken One, Zac not really being dead and that happened in this story but so did a plot with an obsessed fan and kidnapping and murder and that wasn't planned at all.
> 
> Zac was just supposed to come back and be a little crazy but instead Sam happened.
> 
> The OT3 ending wasn't supposed to happen either and a part of me thinks that it might not have stuck even if in the end it was implied both Taylor and Zac were there when Avery died.


	27. Soundtrack

  1. All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You-Heart
  2. Get Out Of My Heart-Hanson
  3. Dirty-Darren Hayes
  4. Sonny Get Your Gun-Hanson
  5. Sparks Fly-Taylor Swift
  6. Mama I'm Coming Home-Ozzy Osbourne
  7. If You Only Knew-Shinedown
  8. Remember When-Alan Jackson
  9. In A Way-Hanson
  10. 3-Britney Spears
  11. Poison&Wine-The Civil Wars
  12. Lightning Crashes-Live
  13. Feels Like Home-Chantel Kreviazuk




End file.
